ATTACHMENT - Bianca Regina

1. I am quite successful at getting rid of attachments that cause me pain and suffering. This includes people who take advantage of me, household appliances that are not in use, clothes that don't fit any more, methods at work that have proven to be problematic. It might seem heartless to put people, clothes and kitchen stuff and working methods into the same sentence, but there is a common motive behind it. I am a very tidy person, and I guess that I try to keep my life tidy, too. It keeps me happy to only "have" (i.e. be attached to) people and things that feel healthy to me. Consequently, I live in an uncluttered household, I choose my clothes carefully, and I have some very close friends. There is a downside as well, of course: I am sometimes perceived as hard and cold. I don't have a big circle of acquaintances or a wide range of fashionable clothes to choose from.
   
2. I am, like I expected, "securely" attached. I don't avoid or fear attachment. Nothing new there.
3. Attachment is an important part of doing psychotherapy. And of course, some patients become too attached. And therapists, likewise, get too attached to their patients. I try to stay away from that by always reminding myself that these are adults who make their own choices. I don't tell them what to do. I would never suggest to someone that they leave their wife/job/addiction behind. I can, however, make suggestions, and I can help them figure out what the motives for and the consequences of their actions are. I once worked with a woman for 25 sessions after which she told me that she was now much happier because she had understood why she was staying with her cheating, good-for-nothing husband. Therapy had helped her make a choice that was good for her. Psychotherapy becomes very stressful when a therapist tries to get the patient to do what is right for them. I guess the rule is that when I don't get too attached, the patients don't get too attached, either. So all in all, people getting too attached to me is not a big problem in my life.
   
4. I won't answer that question because to me, the quote is not concise enough to understand what the author means. Personal identity in the world of forms? Please. The author claims on his website that his "clarity of expression has earned him [...] admiration and praise". Sorry, no praise from me, Chuck.
   
5. I had planned on a life with kids with my husband (my daughter is from my previous marriage). After three years of unsuccessfully trying to conceive I went to a therapist and learned to mourn and be sad for the babies that we can't have (I also learned about the benefits of psychotherapy from a patient's perspective). Now, my husband and me have made the choice to adopt from Ethiopia. It feels very good, this life that is waiting for us. Dealing with infertility is about dealing with the life that you have planned. In my case, it was good to let go of that plan. And from what I've seen and read, the question of "Do you really want to do everything that is possible to have your own baby, no matter how high the financial/emotional cost?" is asked much too rarely. My doctor never asked me, but I'm very glad I asked myself, and that the answer was no. I have learned that it is important to acknowledge the pain of letting go of your plan - but that it is also a relief.