ATTACHMENT: Sherry Zhang

1. What Are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?

I indeed spent a little bit time to understand the phrase of "attachment" and got better understanding when I finished the reading of all others' response; and after conducting the survey of my attachment style. If we could go beyond the context of relationship, I would say, I might have attached too much with my work, my current romantic relationship, nice clothes and household goods, some habit from my childhood... And, maybe all of these links to the feeling of security.

I came from a rural area of China - northwest China where connects to eight countries at the board area like Russia, Afghanistan..etc. The living in hometown was poor but pleasant. As the eldest at home for 3 younger sisters, I was expected to be the role model, the leader to share the live burden with my parents, bring positive impact to my sisters and meet the expectation of "being the ridgepole" when I grow up. The living condition, lifestyle and culture of that location as well as the attention from my parents impacted me to be a person that maybe subconsciously worry about the scarcity of resources - therefore, you have to work extremely hard to earn them, this might have been reflected on my hardworking, my strong sense of caring and being loved, my yearn for nice materials - just to make myself feel secure.

Does the above attachments bring me pain, suffering and negative impact than pleasure and benefit? I think they provide me both feelings at different stage of life. Example as one of my younger sisters - she is used to "go with the flow of life" - in a negative way, no planning, lazy to prepare and relative passive on taking iniatives (or doesn't know how to) to build up relationship... When my father shared his strong concern on her life, I often comfort him that human beings intend to live in a life that he/she feels most comfortable. When the pain grows over the benefit, she will reinvent herself. I can see that she lives in the life of obtuse pain and pleasant of the moment. I'm going to talk about how this may reflect/affect me on my relationship in the responses to coming questions.

2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment? (Attachment Survey)

The survey says that I "fall into the preoccupied quadrant. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can often interfere with their relationships".

I was given the comments that I have a "big heart", and I have been surprised to be aware of my tolerance and patience on handling conflict during the relationship... sometimes I was totally confused by myself with my tolerance. To dig it, I think it may come out from the following two sources:

One is the lack of individualism due to my growing environment and the normal collectivism culture in China. I have been always taught to take care of others in my childhood - to my sisters, to guests that visited our home and to classmates of the school as I had been almost always as the class monitor Till today, I am often descripted by my peers as like a "elder sister" to take care of everyone in the team... when I see the needs from my partner, I feel the obligation to stay on and offer my help. Interestingly, this may also comes out from inherit of my parents. Though often my father would scold my mom as "you are not the saviour", I saw my father never rejected any requests from his patients even when he retired and those patients just came to my parents' apartment for free treatment.

I think the other reason may come out from my inner belief of taking the suffer as a challenge and only move on when I feel I overcome it. I experienced two serious relationships before I got married. In each, I had pleasant, suffering, tears, back and forth on breaking up... each lasted for 3-4 years. It seems it's not easy for me to just break with people quickly and decidedly - that's why when I watched "the Sex and City", I often was really surprised to see how quick they can get in and out a relationship (maybe even for Americans, that's just a show - I'll need other authors' comments on this point). To me, I just feel when the time is right, the relationship will be "terminated" naturally, and when such time comes, I feel ease and peaceful in my mind. It's just the cost of such "natual maturity" may become too high when I'm getting older and older. But this is also part of life experience. Some people enjoy "quick and diverse" relationships, while for me, the lessons might be deep and thorough in each relationship, until you're released naturally (or sometimes, "exhausted"). I could also be viewed as too stubborn. In my professional life, I once experienced really "bad" peer and boss, and I struggled and stopped idea of escape - it's so easy to change a job with higher pay in China. But I insisted and figured out how to deal with them, then I move on with relief in my mind and feel proud that I did not give up, and I can handle such people in the future. Not sure if this also applies to my personal relationship.

3. Is someone too attached to you?

I can easily attach to people who are around me. Sometimes, I need to be cautious on keeping distance with my working peers whom I really appreciate and enjoy talking to therefore to avoid favorism and bias to team members. But "over attachment" may happen on my relationship with my husband. I once moaned he did not care me as I cared him, and then I realized that different people have different way to express their emotion and he is just different than me. But when I am also clear that he is just more selfish and immature, my "altruism" starts to effect mischievously. On one side, I want to run away and be in a relationship that I can feel be loved and cared; the other side, I feel the needs from him to me. And this sometimes makes me intentionally contribute more in the relationship just expect that my change will support him to grow up. And sadly, I seems still not find the key. Or maybe the key is in my mind and the solution is easy - as some of my friends said "you deserve more and better". I just can't to make that decision now. To me, the decision seems not as easy as "get rid of the life and reinvent myself", it's even not the scare of worse life, it's just a cross I have on my back now. Maybe when the time is right, I will move on and feel ease in my mind.

4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig

I have some difficutlies to understand thoroughly the quote given my English level. After reading Rick's answer, I know where he came from as we recently had the wonderful chat of "dream". I think my answers to the above questions may have shared some of my thoughts relates to the quote. My suffering comes out from all the attachments I have which corelates to the growing experience I had. And if I'm a type of person that not care or think so much (or not at a position to be forced to think so much by a guy named Rick), my life could be easier. I am a Sagittarius, if I believe some of the saying about it, I believe my suffer comes out from the yearning for freedom from the bottom of my heart ("like to be free as the wind that blows") while I came out from the experience that I've been so used to take care of others' feeling - on some of the life choice I made, I think I'm scared to disppoint people who are important to me (like my parents). I know you may say but life is yours, yes, it's because of that, I know I would also suffer if I sense that I disppointed my parents or hurt others that I care. I'm still struggling in mind but not in a bad way, as I'm also learning and exploring pleasant from the journey.

5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you? (See interesting idea on “core beliefs” by Erza Bayda link below)

As shared in the above answers, I guess I'm the one that not decisive enough at this stage of my life to get rid of the life I'm having - maybe not planned. I still have the dream on my list of chasing wonderful relationship and be a freelanced consultant as the last phase of my professional life. And I believe I'm on the way to the life I am dreaming, it may just take longer time for me to go there, and it takes effort and sincerity if I avoid to be hurt too much and to hurt others too much - in my mind, there is the visual image now that a person is crossing the thorns, it indeed takes more effort not to be hurt and not break too much tress...

Okay, I dare to go back and read each of the answers I made to the above questions. I admit that I've been really honest, to people who know me. And I appreciate your patience to read through them.

Time to go to bed - it's almost my 2am and I am not the one on sabbatical time. Luckily I'm still in jet lag of flying back from SF last night so that I can finish this tough task, but worthy! Thanks, Rick, and thanks for all other authors' sharing.

ATTACHMENT - Bob Riel

1. What are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?

Is it possible to be too attached to geography? Here is why I ask: I love oceans and seasons, and I love urban environments. Left to my own devices and with enough finances, I'd live in Boston or New York, or in a smaller town by the ocean. However, I find myself in a suburban environment in Arizona, in the middle of the desert. There are excellent reasons for this - my wife is from Tucson, she has a great job, her family is here, and the cost of living is low. But I'm unable to escape my attachment to a different geography, my desire for a different environment.

Does this provide more pain than pleasure? I can't say yes to that when I see my son getting to know his extended family on my wife's side (a situation that isn't fully possible with my family, with parents and siblings sprinkled across Rhode Island, Florida and Utah). I can't say yes when I see how happy my wife is in her job. I can't say yes when I see that we can afford a nice home here for the price of a tiny apartment on the East or West coasts. But if there is not more pain than pleasure, then there is at least some angst. It would be easier, of course, to let go of my desire for any idealized environment whatsoever and to simply "be" in the present. But I'm human and I unfortunately haven't mastered the art of living according to an abstract ideal.

2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment?

No. The survey indicates I fall into the secure quadrant. After seven years of marriage and more than a decade in the same relationship, I might begin to worry if the survey showed a different result.

3. Is someone too attached to you?

I don't think so. My wife and son are fairly attached to me (as far as I can tell), but to be "too" attached in my mind implies an unhealthy dependency. My wife is not dependent on me to be a strong, vital person in her own right, and my son is 12 months old so being attached sort of comes with the territory. If any attachment is loving and doesn't cross over into dependency, then I'm unable to define it as "too attached." I love Andreas' answer - "Daring to be attached is a part of daring to love to the fullest."

4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig

There is some truth in this statement, and perhaps it relates a little to my answer to the first question, but the quote doesn't grab me or shake me. The suggestion that suffering is caused in part by my desire to seek "personal identity in the world of forms" may resonate from a theological/philosophical perspective, but I'm too wrapped up in the world of forms at the moment to even desire release from a personal identity. Perhaps that's unfortunate from Chuck's perspective, but I rather like grappling with the wonders and the challenges of the world of forms.

5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you?

This is a very interesting question. I've always believed that the answer to this was an obvious yes, and I have in fact reinvented myself a few times. But I'm also realizing that the further one gets into life, each new direction may be more challenging than the one before it, as our lives are slowly constructed over a foundation of all of our earlier choices.

I find it intriguing, actually, how life unfurls as a series of independent decisions that, in their totality, become our lives and may even lead us far from where we began. In my case, for instance - Do I want to get married? Take time off from work to travel? Write a book about these travels? Move to Arizona for a job for my wife? Have a child? Until one day, these choices deposited me in my current life, as a part-time writer, part-time stay-at-home Dad in the Arizona desert. And the thing is, I know this will evolve and change, as well. So I look at life with a sort of wonder at how these varied decisions congeal and become part of a larger reality.

So, yes, I'm able to get rid of the life I've planned and to reinvent myself. I know this because I've done it. But I do think that my desire and ability to do this dwindles just a bit with each passing year.

ATTACHMENT: Ramak Siadatan

(Posted by Rick from email sent to me by Ramak)

1. What Are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?

Sometimes, it is hard to let go of your security blanket. When I was very young, it was literally a blanket...and I eventually tripped on it. A little older, and it was my teddy bear, Charlie. He and I tumbled down the escalator and scared every one of the movie theater patrons within eye/earshot. Older still, and it was that first relationship that should have ended long before it ended. I don't think I get attached to things that are bad for me...sometimes, I think I just stay attached a little too long, and that's when it can hurt. This brings us to right now. What am I still attached to that I shouldn't be? I don't know. And there's a good chance I won't know until it's too late. But when I do find out, it will make for yet another great story in my current life chapter.

2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment? (link: http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

"Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the secure quadrant. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that secure people tend to have relatively enduring and satisfying relationships. They are comfortable expressing their emotions, and tend not to suffer from depression and other psychological disorders."
Whew. What a relief. =) Ok, not really much of a relief...I think I already knew that. The survey definitely reinforces something I've learned over the last ten years (and remember, I'm not that old, so 10 years is a LOT!). In romantic relationships, the more secure you are with yourself, the easier it is to be with someone and recognize that while you don't want to lose that person, you aren't afraid to lose them.

3. Is someone too attached to you?

I come from a culture of passionate, loving people. It is very hard for me to think someone is "too attached" to me. My wife, for example, is quite capable of taking care of herself...but she, like me, chooses to be attached. And we like it that way. I am thankful for each person in my life that is pushing the boundaries of being too attached. I wouldn't want it any other way. They are wonderful human beings.

4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig

With all due respect to Chuck, that's a little too scientific a response for my taste. Do I agree with him? I'm sure I agree with what I think he's trying to say. For example, perhaps you are suffering in a relationship because you can't tear yourself away from a bad situation. It goes back to that notion of being in love versus being in love with the idea of being in love...or sometimes, more simply, just being too comfortable to want to change your situation. But there is a big difference between a "desire to be free of something" and a *need* to be free of something. Many times in life we need something that we don't want.

5. What Are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?

I suppose I can get rid of the life I planned, because I plan at a very high level. Long ago, I learned that life doesn't work for me if the plan is too detailed. I know I want to enjoy my family, learn from people, teach people, help the ones I love. And as I explore and grow and change, so do my plans. In some respects, I get rid of different parts of my life plan all the time and replace them with new ones. The trick is too be consistent with who I am and what I feel I'm about as life, and the world around me, changes.

ATTACHMENT - Eduardo Infante

1. What are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?

My comfort zone. As surprising as it is, I am rather aware than I am in a comfort zone, and I’ve been doing very little lately to get out of it. Mmhh, in fact, it’s not even like I just realized that I’m living in as comfort zone. It’s more as if I’ve been aware about it for months, perhaps years, and time has elapsed without me trying to do something to stop it.

This comfort zone includes a lot of things. Work is obviously among the most important matters. I’ve been working for the same employer for the past 10 years in three months from now. I’ve learnt a lot working for my university campus. But I’ve also let behind some opportunities, just because I felt protected around here. Safety is something every human being seeks at some instance in their lives. The boundaries between safety and comfort zone are somehow narrow, though. And I think I’ve past protection and security to get stuck in comfort.

Some other aspects of this comfort zone, and thus, attachment, include: status, love, and lifestyle.

2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment?

No, it does not. I think I’ve known about my attachments since a long time ago. Therefore, the attachment score is not surprising at all. If something, it reminds me that I could always take some risks and start dis-attaching myself from stuff that it’s simply “not allowing me to fly”.

3. Is someone too attached to you?

I believe so. The practical answer would be my daughters are. Yet, at ages 4 and 6, I’m very aware that, if for some reason I disappeared from their lives, it could always be a bummer, but they’d have the capacity to adjust. That’s the gift we all receive from God, the capacity to adjust and make changes. I’ve always believed that one tends to forget about it as you grow old, though.

Now, my wife Amira might be a little different. Sometimes, I have the feeling she’s too attached and too dependant on me. Yet, from time to time I like to remind myself that I’m not that important, either. Nobody is. In the end, you are born, and die, alone.

4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: ”Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms.” - Chuck Hillig

Just like Andreas does, I don’t think that suffering has to do that much with mathematics as it has to do with feelings and people’s personal experiences. What I do believe is correct, nonetheless, is the fact that attachments, hatred, and not guilt are key components to a miserable life. The more you have them, the smaller the chance to ride a happy life you get.

5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you?

Yes, everybody is able to do such thing. Are we willing to? Are we aware that we can? Do we want to? Are we fearful about it? Are we able to ponder the pros and the cons? Is comfort too big of an issue in our lives so that we rather play it safe? When some of these questions come into play, it gets more, and more, and more complicated. In my case, it’s evident I have not taken a step forward to even take a glance out of the window to see the life that’s been waiting for me and that I have not dared to go greeting.

ATTACHMENT - Rick Von Feldt

1. What Are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?

How do you answer this?
Do you first begin by asking, “where do I feel pain in my life?”
Do you ask “what don’t I like about my life or myself?”

I see so many people who don’t like what they are doing – who they are. Or maybe more specifically – people who want to do something different. But they have attachments. And so I thought it was interesting to look at those attachments.

I think my worst “foe attachment” at the moment is the sense for achievement. For the last 5-10 years, I was attached to the chase for achievement (as measured by my professional climb) and wealth accumulation. Each gave me some strong sense of accomplishments. I still sometimes rely on that when I look backwards. But it is interesting how short lived it can be. Four months ago, I was a vice president. Now, I am just a guy who sits at home in his boxer shorts if he wants to. Four months ago – I had some money. But with the economy – and much of that money in the stock market – I have about 40% less money.

So – those things go away.

A second “attachment” challenge comes in my “list” that ultimately sets about expectation. My brain allows me to think of so many exciting things I want to do. Now that I have time – I have no excuses. But then, I get out my “to do” list – and I see literally hundreds of things I want to do – people I want to communicate with – things I want to try. And soon – even though I am relatively free – I see this huge LIST of things that I want to do.

So – do I just give up the list? Do I just “do” whatever comes to mind at the moment? That would be hard – since at the end of each day, I have this inclination to want to think about what I did (accomplish) for the day. It was the beauty perhaps of what has allowed me to be who I am. But this “attachment” to accomplishment also creates angst in my life. And I am not sure exactly if I like it. Or if I want to get rid of it. None-the-less, it has been a part of my DNA for most of my life. It isn’t going away soon. But it is good for me to be aware of.

2.. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment? (Attachment Survey)

As I started to think about the ten people in this group – I realize that I may not have been as focused on diversity as I should have been. Of the ten people, only two of us are not married. And of the 8 that are married, I think that six of the eight are pretty darn happy about it.

So – I am the odd, unattached, single guy. And the only one who is happy about it. I am the only one of the ten that has not given in to marriage – and attachment to another a serious chance.
I guess it should not be surprising then, that my “attachment indicator” is described as being in the “dismissing” quadrant. The survey says “Previous research on attachment styles indicates that dismissing people tend to prefer their own autonomy--oftentimes at the expense of their close relationships. Although dismissing people often have high self-confidence, they sometimes come across as hostile or competitive by others, and this often interferes with their close relationships.”
You have to know – I admire and appreciate all of those folks out there that just love being in love. Or at least love being a part of “two.” For me – it is just an odd thing. I have hard time attaching myself to “just one.” But that doesn’t mean that I am not attached to friends. As some of my friends hopefully know, I am fair to good in terms of friendship. I just choose not to do it with only one person.

This survey tells me that I am uncomfortable depending upon others. It is true. For me – that attachment has spelled trouble in the past. I have high expectations – and thus, it is easy to create that world myself. Then I don’t have such pressure on my friends. Although I am sure many of my friends would beg to differ. I do expect a lot.

3. Is someone too attached to you?

When I wrote the question – I expected answers from our parental writers to include attachment from their kids. Most of our parents have young children – ranging from 1 to less than 10. It will be interesting to see how these new millennial kids and “helicopter parents” interact with them as they grow older.

As a single person – I have made a more specific choice to not have people attached to me. My personal philosophy, children aside, is that indeed, adults shouldn’t be too attached. I need my space. My freedom. I need the ability for spontaneity. I am there for friends and family as they need me. But if it moves towards “attachment” – it becomes too much for me. And I make the judgment that it is also not good for others.

I have wondered if there is some genetic or spiritual choice that is “given” to us to be either more or less attached to people. For that matter, it is the same for things. Is it somehow in our DNA or part of a karma that we must either appreciate or void?

The other element of attachment that is present indirectly in my life is that of my grandmother. She is 94 years old. And she is attached to my mother – even tethered. This is something my mother never anticipated. It is something that I don’t think any of ever anticipate. As children at the beginning of our lives, we are attached to our parents. And now, living so long in life, we are now facing this attachment to someone in our old days. It is a fear that I have. I will have no choice to be attached one day. Over the next years, I have to think about how I can hire people to be attached to so I won’t burden my family and friends one day.

I will become attached one day. To whom is the question?

4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig

Based upon the first people writing about this question, this quote clearly said a little more to me than others. For that, I then need to ask myself why this meant something interesting enough to use it as one of my precious questions.

Perhaps it comes from recent discussions with family and friends. Lately, I have been interested in the concept of “dream chasing.” It asks humans to relook at what they dream about doing before they die. Once people sit down and actually think about their dreams – items on a list that many have not thought about for years, it becomes interesting to then ask, “So – what stops you from doing it?”

My recent perspective is that it is “attachments” that threatens people from achieving those dreams. As I scrape away the “why I can’t” – I am starting to see that people are fearful of something that will go away if they start to focus on something else. Often, there is that sense of “I am not sure if I am willing to give up the current, because perhaps the future could be even worse.”

For me, and I also believe for others, the other attachment we often find ourselves focusing on are “expectations.” Somewhere along our way in life, we develop these expectations of “what I though I should do” and “what I thought I should be.” But we get in to the middle of life – and forget to continue to make adjustments on those expectations. Those lingering expectations of what we thought we should or would be doing become attachments that we have to shed in order to reinvent ourselves.

One of the games I play with myself sometimes is “what if?” What other things in life could I be doing if circumstance would not be what they are today. I think I could have been a chef. Or an actor. Or a sales leader. I would be a good teacher. Or a psychologist. But I have attachments to these rules, expectations and even fears in my life that prevent me from believing in those ideas. What would it take for me to become unattached to those ideas and fears?

5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you? (See interesting idea on “core beliefs” by Erza Bayda link below)

I love this notion. Perhaps in asking the question, I was trying to preach. I have walked this talk for much of my career. I love reinvention. I love making the most of the world that I am in. But if I sense one of two things – then I make it my obligation to move on.

First, if I ever feel as if I have “learned most of what I can learn” from any situation, person or place – then I feel obligated to move on. Second, if my soul feels as if it is not inspired or challenged – then I also make myself give up – or become unattached – to those things that have kept me where I am.

I love the idea of reinvention.

But it is a very selfish thought. I make the choice to be single. I know it would be much more difficult if you are a part of a family. Perhaps though, each person in the family could have a designated year for reinvention. Kids included. But remember, I believe in the idea that you have to feel as if you have learned most of what you could learn or your soul yearns to be – do – or try something different.

One last thing. Like Jen, one of my fellow writers, I am a list maker. I love lists. However, I have given up on making “to the end of my life” plans. I have learned that there are too many interesting things and situations out there. I throw myself in to the river of life – and trust that it will bring me to the next exciting learning opportunity. And as of yet, I have not found a company or organization that has been able to harness that creativity and restlessness to keep me around for a long time. Too bad. They could have. But most leaders – managers are so bad at sitting down and understanding the dreams and potentials of their team members that they loose out. Big time.

In one of my lives going forward, I am going to help make that better.

ONE LAST NOTE. I am attached to new tastes! As I write this on a Wednesday evening, I am in San Francisco, eating at a wonderful little restaurant called “Bar Crudo.” Ranked in the top 100 restaurants in San Francisco – and one of Wine Spectators Top 20 in San Francisco, it is a charming small place specializing in the fresh tastes of seafood. I am sitting in a corner, eating wonderful raw fishes and lobster salads. Tables of two and four people all around me buzz with conversation. I try to ignore them. I am on a date with you dear reader. I planed to come here this evening and write about attachment. My work done, I will soon leave, and head to a theatre production of a show called “Rock and Roll.” It is described as, “Nominated for four Tony Awards and direct from record-breaking runs on Broadway, Tom Stoppard's newest sensation, Rock 'n' Roll, hits the A.C.T. stage to smashing reviews. Don't miss this rapturous, decades-spanning tale of passion, politics, and rock music” It should be fun! Have a great week dear readers!

Attachment - Brett Battles

1. What are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negativity than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?

Attachments can be to things, ideas, emotions, people, hell pretty much anything. I have attachments to them all to one extent or another.

Things: Books, books everywhere. Some I’ve owned for decades. Most I’ll never open again, but can’t bring myself to get rid of or even donate to a worth cause. I hold on to ticket stubs that remind me of time spent with good friends, to pictures, to notes, to baseball cards from my youth, to a rock my daughter and I found on a hike eight years ago.

Ideas: My political beliefs, my thought that friendships don’t change just because of time and distance, my belief that everyone I meet is an equal, my feeling that there are connection you can have with people that can not be explained in words.

Emotions: A strong sense of empathy that I’ve come to rely on in helping me get to know and talk to others, the ability to be moved by the simplest things – a gesture, an act of kindness, even a touching TV commercial.

People: My girlfriend, my kids, my family, my friends.

Do any of these cause me more pain, suffering or negativity than pleasure or benefit? I don’t think anything can be measures in such black and white terms. There are probably times when any of the above could do that, but not for long. My life is very positively focused. I don’t think I could become attached to anything that did anything of those things for the long term.


2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment?

I’m secure and relaxed. Pretty much where I thought I’d be.

3. Is someone too attached to you?

Too much? No. My children and I have a healthy relationship and enjoy each other. My girlfriend and I have the best romantic relationship I’ve ever experienced: loving, supportive, understanding, and independent.

4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig

God…what’s with all the suffering questions? I have no idea if this is right. I don’t like to suffer, so I don’t. The life I have right now is so close to the one I envisioned when I was 12, it’s hard not to be happy. Suffering just drags me down, and I don’t want that. Ever.

5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you?

HA! A very pertinent question for me. Since I was young, fifth or sixth grade I think, I have wanted to be a novelist. To write story that people could buy in a bookstore and enjoy was my calling. I knew it. In my dream of that future (as I alluded to in the last answer) I always saw myself as being a full time writer. Now, that didn’t happen right away. I spent almost 20 years working in television. My specialization was television graphics, something that worked well for me because I didn’t have to do a lot of writing during the day. I was afraid that if I took a job that focused on writing, I wouldn’t have the energy to write my own stuff. So for years I wrote and improved my craft until finally I sold my first novel. Even then, with a three book contract in my back pocket, I wasn’t able to step away from the security of the day job. That is until this past August when I received a new contract for books 4 & 5. September 19th was my last day in the corporate world. Now I get up and work at my kitchen table living the life I’ve planned for almost forty years.

ATTACHMENT: Jennifer

(Posted by Rick Von Feldt on behalf of Jennifer)

1. What are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?

A 19th century author by the name of George MacDonald, many of whose books I read in high school, wrote, “The cause of all discomfort and strife is never that we are too near others, but that we are not near enough.” That’s always been my modus operandi. Of course, attachment sometimes causes pain, especially when one loses what one is attached to. But as long as one acknowledges and accepts the possibility of loss, without agonizing over it, one can be happy and grow in a state of attachment in ways that detachment does not inspire.

I am also quite attached to things, like my books, for example, which number in the thousands and surround me now. I channel their power and inspiration as I write, and I cherish them because they remind me how I became who I am. I am very attached to my photos, because they also help me remember, and I love remembering. I will be a very happy old lady, sitting in my rocking chair and smiling fondly.

Hmmm, this question has made me think as I write, but I suppose I’ve never responded spiritually to the Buddhist notion of “attachment as suffering.” Perhaps I interpret attachment more as “connection,” rather than “clinging.”

2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment?

I am “securely attached,” according to the attachment survey, which I suspected. I find it interesting that the explanation of my score reads, “Previous research on attachment styles indicates that secure people tend to have relatively enduring and satisfying relationships.” I find, rather, that people who have relatively enduring and satisfying relationships tend to be secure.

3. Is someone too attached to you?
My family and especially my children are attached to me, but appropriately so, I believe. I enjoy watching my children become more independent, however. I’m not one of the hold-too-tight kind of moms. I try to give them roots so that they’ll feel secure enough to try their wings.

4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig

Well, I’m ignoring the second part of this quotation, because I don’t think I really get it. However, I do believe that fear is what really causes suffering. When that which we fear comes to pass, we must simply keep living and deal with it or decide that life is too painful to keep living, but regardless, we cannot fear it anymore. It’s the anticipation of suffering which truly causes the suffering. The only thing I really fear, I suppose, is madness. I like to be in control of my life, and madness is the ultimate loss of control. Or maybe even worse – to be thought mad by others when I am not. Not that I’m worried; in other words, it doesn’t cause me suffering. I suppose I’ve just read too many stories by 19th century women writers, and as a woman, I feel somewhat vulnerable at times.

5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you?

I’m a planner. I carry with me everywhere a little black book with my schedule and my lists of things to do, books to read, presents to buy, classes to take, dissertation topics to consider. I start buying Christmas gifts in January. My husband and I have a seven-year capital improvements plan for our household. When I was pregnant with my first child, we took a very intense childbirth education class and developed a two-page single-spaced birth plan. Even when things didn’t go as planned with child number one, we had a similarly detailed birth plan for child number two. My sister looks at my calendar and remarks, “If I had your life, I’d kill myself.”

For a long time, because of comments like my sister’s, I beat myself up for being too structured and rigid, unable to be spontaneous and live in the moment. I’ve certainly challenged myself to become more flexible – traveling with Up With People was certainly a year that challenged me in this area; being married and having children has definitely obliged me to accept different ways of doing things; and the universe has presented me with many opportunities to learn that I can’t plan everything, which I’ve finally accepted with as much grace as I can muster.
But being a parent has also reinforced my belief that structure is good. My kids do a lot better with regular meal and bed times. My ability to plan has allowed me to travel with children and balance having a family and being a full-time student. My skill with structure means that we live within our means, save for college and retirement, and take occasional vacations. Because I can live with schedules, I am able to be more environmentally responsible and take public transportation.
There are too many cool things to do in life, and I’ve decided that if I want to do them all, I have to fit them in my schedule. In order to be able to take advantage of those moments of true spontaneity, in order to be responsive when things change, I have to be prepared. I must have the money saved to take a last-minute trip to somewhere wonderful. I have to do my research if I want to be able to think on my feet when I’m teaching a class or speaking publicly. I need to know what the consequences will be if I have to make quick decisions about medical care. I have to pack a good lunch if I want to go on an adventurous hike. The life that is waiting for me is the life that I dream about, reach for, and then plan for. In other words, there’s a time and a place for spontaneity. :-)

Attachment - Andreas

1. What are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?
My life, when/if I get old. Because it is in our nature to hang on in there. I just said farewell to my grandpa, on his 96th birthday. I am almost certain I will not see him again, but he is still around as I write this. For his sake, I wish he had passed about a year ago.

2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment?
I am not surprised to see that I am very relaxed and safe - I am in a wonderful marriage since 2001, and with my wife since 1996, when I was just 20!

3. Is someone too attached to you?
No. Daring to be attached is a part of daring to love to the fullest.

4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: ”Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms.” - Chuck Hillig
It's a quote that doesn't seem to catch me, no matter how many times I re-read it. (But I disagree with the usage of the words ”directly proportional” in this context. This matter is less mathematical than that.)

5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you?
Able, perhaps, but not willing.

ATTACHMENT - Peter Waring

1. Picture this. A small boy, twenty months of age with big blue eyes sobbing as he clings to the wire fence enclosing his playgroup - searching and calling for his father while his father watches painfully from a distance, wanting to comfort his boy but knowing he should not.

This has been my life for the last month as my son Jack has begun a new playgroup in Singapore. Parents are instructed to stay with their children for the first half hour of the three hour session and then quietly withdraw to the safe distance of a nearby cafe. So far, each session has begun well and ended badly, with Jack picking up his small bag and heading for the gate within the first hour. It has proved to be the most difficult challenge I have yet faced as a parent to see him distressed and yet resist the temptation to run to him. I'm not sure which of us is suffering the most! The experience underscores my absolute love for him and the vulnerability that comes with being a parent.

My wife's cousin died in his early twenties - I still remember his parent's faces on the day of the funeral - etched with a grief they have never really overcome. I can't and never want to imagine having to deal with that kind of pain but ultimately the bond between parent and child evokes the possibility of both extreme happiness and suffering.

2. Thankfully I'm 'secure' - but I had a good intuitive sense of this in any case.

3. Probably only my son. I would like to also think my wife but she is fiercely capable and independent in every respect.

4. My interpretation of this may be inaccurate but I think there is a sliver of truth in Chuck's statement Sometimes we don't view challenges in our life through the prism of the longer term and perhaps more rational perspective. What seems important to us in the moment and which causes suffering, may, with the passage of time and a more rational outlook, appear just a little silly. Though I also agree with 'Bianca' - Chuck's turn of phrase obfuscates rather than clarifies.

5. I think this is a great question Rick and I moved by Bianca's response to it. I have a strong internal locus of control but I still believe that we can't control, everything. Life sometimes throws us curve balls and how how we deal with these is a measure of the strength of our characters. Life is about getting kicked in the teeth occasionally but what matters is how quickly we pick ourselves up and dust ourselves down. Recently both my sister and brother have separated from their partners and have had to contemplate radical changes to their life plans. I think this kind of 'de-construction' is part of the pattern of life - but let's face it, without 'de-construction' and 're-construction' life might be pleasant but also dull.

ATTACHMENT - Bianca Regina

1. I am quite successful at getting rid of attachments that cause me pain and suffering. This includes people who take advantage of me, household appliances that are not in use, clothes that don't fit any more, methods at work that have proven to be problematic. It might seem heartless to put people, clothes and kitchen stuff and working methods into the same sentence, but there is a common motive behind it. I am a very tidy person, and I guess that I try to keep my life tidy, too. It keeps me happy to only "have" (i.e. be attached to) people and things that feel healthy to me. Consequently, I live in an uncluttered household, I choose my clothes carefully, and I have some very close friends. There is a downside as well, of course: I am sometimes perceived as hard and cold. I don't have a big circle of acquaintances or a wide range of fashionable clothes to choose from.
   
2. I am, like I expected, "securely" attached. I don't avoid or fear attachment. Nothing new there.
3. Attachment is an important part of doing psychotherapy. And of course, some patients become too attached. And therapists, likewise, get too attached to their patients. I try to stay away from that by always reminding myself that these are adults who make their own choices. I don't tell them what to do. I would never suggest to someone that they leave their wife/job/addiction behind. I can, however, make suggestions, and I can help them figure out what the motives for and the consequences of their actions are. I once worked with a woman for 25 sessions after which she told me that she was now much happier because she had understood why she was staying with her cheating, good-for-nothing husband. Therapy had helped her make a choice that was good for her. Psychotherapy becomes very stressful when a therapist tries to get the patient to do what is right for them. I guess the rule is that when I don't get too attached, the patients don't get too attached, either. So all in all, people getting too attached to me is not a big problem in my life.
   
4. I won't answer that question because to me, the quote is not concise enough to understand what the author means. Personal identity in the world of forms? Please. The author claims on his website that his "clarity of expression has earned him [...] admiration and praise". Sorry, no praise from me, Chuck.
   
5. I had planned on a life with kids with my husband (my daughter is from my previous marriage). After three years of unsuccessfully trying to conceive I went to a therapist and learned to mourn and be sad for the babies that we can't have (I also learned about the benefits of psychotherapy from a patient's perspective). Now, my husband and me have made the choice to adopt from Ethiopia. It feels very good, this life that is waiting for us. Dealing with infertility is about dealing with the life that you have planned. In my case, it was good to let go of that plan. And from what I've seen and read, the question of "Do you really want to do everything that is possible to have your own baby, no matter how high the financial/emotional cost?" is asked much too rarely. My doctor never asked me, but I'm very glad I asked myself, and that the answer was no. I have learned that it is important to acknowledge the pain of letting go of your plan - but that it is also a relief.
   

WEEK ONE: Five questions on ATTACHMENT

TOPIC WEEK ONE: ATTACHMENT

AUTHOR IN CHARGE THIS WEEK: Rick Von Feldt

FIVE QUESTIONS ON FRIDAY:

1. What Are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?
2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment? (Attachment Survey)
3. Is someone too attached to you?
4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig
5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you? (See interesting idea on “core beliefs” by Erza Bayda link below)

Over the next week – 10 authors (including myself) will write in this space under the headline of ATTACHMENT – (Author Name). Come back this week to read our thoughts – and provide your comments.

TOPIC INTRODUCTION by this week’s writer

I could hear the collective “groan!” when I typed out the first topic of “FIVE QUESTIONS ON FRIDAY.”

“Rick, did you really have to start with such a huge – deep topic to open this up?” I know. I had to the conversation with myself. This week, I had collected 30-40 ideas of interesting things I wanted to learn about from our ten authors. I debated topics about life, dreams, cats, Sarah Palin, fatherhood, Neil Sedaka and sleep. After writing them all down, I sipped on a cup of coffee, and asked the questions to speak to me. In the end, this topic was the one that shouted the loudest.

And so we begin with this Buddhist idea of attachment – and the potential connection to suffering and happiness in life. I listen often to family and friends talk about the good and bad in their life. Often, I have noticed that in order to stop the bad things – it means giving up something. Are these attachments? That is the topic for us to discuss this week.

BACKGROUND READING and LINKS.

• ATTACHMENT THEORY: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory
• “ATTACHMENT” by by Ezra Bayda. Adapted from At Home in the Muddy Water: A Guide to Finding Peace within Everyday Chaos. From the “Guide to Buddhism” site at: http://www.shambhala.com/html/learn/features/buddhism/basics/attachment.cfm
• “How Our Cravings and Attachments Cause Our Pain And Suffering, Part 2” by the Urbanmonk (link: http://www.urbanmonk.net/321/how-our-cravings-and-attachments-cause-our-pain-and-suffering-part-2/). (Interesting site by the way in general: http://www.urbanmonk.net/ - where Albert Foong, aka “The Urban Monk” aims to provide a free companion in your personal development journey inwards into yourself and outwards into the urban world - modern life, entwined with ancient spirituality. (note: I plan to send him these five questions – and ask if he would be interested in responding.”)
• Attachment Survey: http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl)