SHERRY ZHANG: Travel, Work and Politics

1. Can you describe a favorite travel memory? It doesn’t have to be extraordinary - simple is good, too – but what is a memory of some travel experience that you treasure?

The question recalls my memory of a trip to India with my friend Jennifer five years ago. We spent a few days in Delhi and visited Taj Mahal. Both Jennifer and I dressed look like the local women. When we were in the rickshaw and went through the market of Old Delhi, local people put friendly attention and greeted us, elephant and cows passed by… Even today, the smell of flavor, the color of people’s dress and houses, and the sunshine still feel so vivid – it’s an exotic experience!

The Taj Mahal is just a miracle, with a sad love story. I had the best tasted curry chicken there.

The recent trip to Yosemite and Camel-by-the-Sea at California was also wonderful. I felt my heart and mind was washed clearly by the broader and beautiful view.

Another trip that stayed in my memory as the sweetest one was the trip to Southern China with my parents back to 7 years ago… It was the first time that my mom swam – in the pool and the sea! I can’t forget the smile in her face – that’s the smile I never saw from her, she was just like a little girl!

2. What is something you’ve learned from traveling - a lesson that you’ve tried to carry with you in the rest of your life?

I travelled a lot due to work, but I found the memorable traveling are those with people I cherish… I once tried travel alone at Australia, but found it’s hard for me to enjoy such trip. The lesson I gave to myself was not to travel alone – I might be too narrow and dependent, it’s still hard for me to enjoy a real trip alone.

3. I’ve been doing a bit of reading about work and careers lately, and came across this quote: “Jump, and a net will appear.” What does that say to you, if anything, and does it apply in any way to your own life?

I believe the saying, and wonder if I’m following it… I once was asked if I’m not aggressive enough to try new things when I was interviewed for the existing role (which I’ve been in three years) as I stayed with my last employer for over seven years. The reason I found was that my roles had been changed almost every other year and I moved to three places in the last job, so there was always enough challenges. But now, three years has passed and there were not so much significant changes happened in my role except my team and I had run many of programs… It’s just recently I found it’s a bit boring that the team is still using the framework and methodology that I developed three years ago on a program. I have the urge to make change but it seems drive the team a bit crazy.

So far in my life, I experienced living in 5 cities other than my hometown. All seems happened naturally without strong intention, purpose or plan. It just happened due to work change.

So in short, I think my way of handling life and work may not to make significant change decision but there got to be something new from time to time. And I follow my heart. When the time is right, I see the change happens naturally.

4. Here is another quote about work and life choices that I recently discovered: “I must simplify my life, and whittle down what I do to the things that I am absolutely the most passionate about, or else I risk being stuck in mediocrity.” Similarly, what does that say to you, if anything, and does it apply to your own life?

I always feel shame when I saw this kind of quote – I feel that I’m a mediocrity that lives in a life with daily trifles… I often admire those who could be very successful on their professional life, yet also colorful in their personal life – they sing, dance, write, paint and design… and they’re really good at everything!

I am not. I could get excuses of being exhausted on work; not talented enough, no light in my life or no time…

I’m still on the way to explore things that I am absolutely passionate about in my life… And I know I would agree to the quote by then. For now, I have to be a mediocrity to enjoy the little joy of trifles in life.

5. The U.S presidential election is on Tuesday. By the time you have to answer this question, we’ll know the outcome of the vote. How do you think the result of this election affects how the world views the U.S.? (Or, if you prefer, how you personally view the U.S., or how the U.S. might view itself?)

This is absolutely some things exciting! My husband once bet with me that he believed most of Americans would change their mind and still give the vote to McCain at the last minute. I disagreed and won the bet. I see the need of change though as a foreigner, I may not have so much insight as you all have.

I personally heard so much about diversity by working in American companies so far. And I often doubted that people said so it’s just because the US government has requirements to companies in this area, and it’s just because they said there would be labor shortage in the future 20 years if the company does not consider diversity in their employment…etc. – it’s just because that often in the working environment, what I saw is not what I heard.

The election result created a record in US history, and I believe it would prove to the world what diversity really mean in US.

I did not spend time to study Obama’s political viewpoints and his speech, but I just dislike Bush, and don’t believe people at McCain’s age with same party of Bush would make any positive and new change to this country.

I just wish that all what Obama said is not just for the election and I believe the world is waiting for changes of the U.S.

SHERRY ZHANG: Prejudice and Sterotypes

1. What are some of the things people who don't know you very well tend to think about you?

I guess my colleagues may think that I’m influential and aggressive in life on getting things done just like I am in working environment…

For people who meet me the 1st time may think I’m docile and will follow whatever others says; or I’m effeminacy, needs a lot of caring and help…

2. Which of these assumptions are true?
All of the above are not true. In life, I’m pretty easygoing, often not bother to think too much or spend too much time and energy to plan things which I think is not important. I follow my feeling pretty much in life, and often show as no plan and not intelligent and capable…that might give people the feeling that I have no idea and would easily follow others.

The truth is, in my work, I would be viewed as influential and sometimes stubborn. I could be pushing to others as I can move very fast on things I know I need to get it done.

3. Which stereotypes about your country are true about you, if any?
“Time reveals a person's heart” – I like this saying. And I believe in it. I do keep long term friendship with my friends and ex-colleagues. They know me by working with me.

4. . What are situations in which you find yourself to be prejudiced?
I once thought that poor people are more sympathetic and wealthy are cruel… When I went to the school in the urban area the last year at my high school, I got chance to stay in the class with all the students whose families were in the city – and I was from a small town. I initially thought my classmates were selfish and penny-pinching “oppidans”. Indeed I experienced the most care from them as the only one that stayed in the poor dormitory of the school. I got to know that often it’s only when an individual doesn’t need to worry his/her own living, he/she would have more care to others.

I once thought that foreigners usually obey transportation rules, not like many of Chinese. Only when I saw that more and more westerns started to cross the road without pay attention to the lights, I got to know that people are influenced by the environment they are in not by their race.

Our education in many years instilled negative impression of Japanese, till I saw them in their country and worked with them together…

5. To you, what value is there in stereotypes?

In our culture, there are a lot of idioms which people may view as stereotypes. We often view many of our parents’ words are “stereotypes”… but as I’m growing up, I got to see the value from those stereotypes. There are things are accumulated from history that we have to follow.

A minor example, in Chinese saying, two parties of marriage should be “matched” to each other from their family, wealth, background…etc. It was debated and challenged for many years by people. Then you noticed many divorced people gave the reason of “personality was not matched to each other” for their divorce. Exploring back, “personality” was formed from growing history, it’s also the value that was built up along the way the person was raised up… Matching is important for a marriage.

Okay, so much for this topic – I’m not sure if I get it right to the meaning of “stereotypes” in English…

SHERRY ZHANG: Funerals

1. Which is the best funeral you ever visited?
2. Which is the worst funeral you ever visited?

In our world, there are indeed formal funerals which the format might be different as westerns or joyous as Balinese… I indeed never visited such formal funerals (I view this as a good thing so far in my life), what I could remember is only the two funerals that I attended for my grandfather and grandmother – they were even not called as funerals. At the age of 7 and 12, I was brought to the hospital, and saw how my father (as a doctor and also as the son-in-law) to make them looked decent… I saw my father got his eyes red and tearing, but I was in a very strange mood – I did not cry, I was not very frightened, but after such “ceremony”, when I walked on the way to school in the chilly winter alone (I remember both happened in winter), I felt a bit “shame” – I am still not able to explain such mood, I guess in a youth’s mind, having someone dead in family is a bad thing that I also felt a bit angry.

So, neither really gave me the feeling of best or worst. The overall feeling is bad. Especially when I saw my grandfather lying there with wax yellow face, looked cold body, I felt regret on what I did during his last days of staying with my parents and kids – he was not a very pleasant old man in his last days – complained everything with bad temper, so we kids sometimes were not happy with him or just naughty to him.

Another funeral I missed but I think would be the worst in my life is my uncle’s funeral in LA. My 2nd younger sister, Liping was in charge of that when she was at University of LA. It was such a sad thing happened so far in our family. By only reading the letter from my sister, my heart was broken. My father kept quite and in deep sadness for almost the whole month… My uncle was raised by my father and died at 42 years old in the US due to liver cancer. He was deemed as the most achieving person in the whole family’s history.

3. Did you make any plans for your own funeral?

I never thought about this till I saw the question. Even now, I have no idea… The least thing I would like to think in my life so far is the day for my parents…no, I have been always avoiding to think about it. I know human has nature reaction when the time is there but that’s the only thing that frightens me to think over. As for me, if I think now, the “traditional Balinese” that was described by Peter sounds not bad. I wish when the day is coming, I feel restful and happiness in my mind and people who are around me are not so sad…

4. What are your thoughts on burial in the soil versus cremation? Which is better? Which is better for you? (And did you hear about the Swedish method, not yet sanctioned, where the body and the casket is frozen very very cold, and then vibrated into a powder...? Apparently very friendly for the environment.)

I refer cremation and bury the dust somewhere to be absorbed by the soil. As for the Swedish method, to get it very very cold may also consume a lot of energy which could be anti-environment…?:)

5. And finally: Isn't it just odd that the word funeral starts with fun...? What are your thoughts on the very word? And what is the word for funeral in your language, if your first language isn't English?

You raised an interesting point that the word of “funeral” starts with “fun…”, that’s what I expect happened in my funeral, as I said, not so much sad but more of restful and happiness for a life with fruitful joy and meaning. In Chinese, the translation of “funeral” means “a forum of mourning” – so it doesn’t mean “fun” and the Chinese funeral music is really sad which would bring your tears out naturally…. I guess that’s why inner side, I would prefer never to attend such funerals in my life.

SHERRY ZHANG: Responsibility

1. What is your principle on RESPONSIBILITY? And how does that play out in your life? (Principle defined as: set of beliefs that guide your actions).

My principle on “RESPONSIBILITY” includes the following believes:
• Everyone is responsible for what he/she is doing and should take the sequence of such actions;
• Everyone is also be responsible for others at a certain level given their roles in professional and personal life

Most of the time, I feel pretty ease when I went to bed every night, knowing that I’ve fulfilled my responsibility on personal and professional life that day. I found this belief and feeling makes me strong to ignore negative comments or misunderstanding from people around me. Just on an one on one meeting I had with one of my subordinates yesterday, she hesitantly told me who said what about me… And I found that I was not bothered by such words now, as I know what and why I did so, and I know that I’m responsible for me and for others on doing so.

In my personal life, “responsible to myself” means to follow my heart but it often splits me when I feel the pressure of following my mind to be responsible for others as well. This made my life a bit challenging but also charming.

It’s the 2nd belief on responsibility often creates guilty in my life, and made me to be on the track to take sequence of what is happening in my life. So, the 2nd belief seems more overwhelming than the 1st one and it made me more as an altruist in others’ eyes that are around me.

2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from? Does it come from religious beliefs? As an offshoot from philosophical principles like “the golden rule? Does it rise out of fear? Is it a requirement of being human?

To me, the principle comes out mainly from the people who plays important role in my life when I grow up. My parents are definitely “altruists” – my father brought up two of his younger sisters and one younger brother at his 15 when both of his parents passed away. And he has been taking such responsibility for the whole of his life, sometimes, too much, which hurts himself. Recently, my aunt, the youngest sister of my father, at her early 50s, complained that it took her years to get money from my parents to support her family to buy an apartment. I view that my father took too much responsibility of being parent to his siblings. My mother actually took similar approach as my father on dealing with her siblings. They both were also selfless in their professional work before retirement. I guess this comes out from Chairman Mao’s education. No doubt, I was deeply impacted by them. Of course, their din exhortations into my ears about my responsibility of being the eldest daughter and the sister of 3 younger sisters also made me take it nature responsibility to take care of others.

I did not find school education played important role to me in this part. But there are also few people in my career impacted me a lot on how I see my responsibility to people who are around me. I once had a good conversation with Rick last summer about a closed friend’s marriage. She believes she has the right to pursue the life she expects even the cost is to leave 3 kids to be apart from parents. The insights that Rick shared on one’s responsibility vs. one’s freedom indeed made me to think through the words of “responsibility”.

The family influence somehow made me easy to be angry with others who are irresponsible and not care… I had an experience that when I was at the grade 2 of high school, I was deeply impressed by the teacher’s effort to help each of my classmates to be good at study, therefore we could pass the examination of university. But I saw many students never cared the effort and just ignore the teacher’s effort. So with angry and urge, I wrote a letter “To All Classmate” and attached the letter on the board of the classroom. I can still feel some of those students’ jeer today; I can hear those people saying “what’s hell of her business!”. But that’s me.

3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible?

I have mixed mood of sympathy and angry to those who are unfortunate due to their irresponsible attitude or actions. Lessons learnt for me was that irresponsible would made you miserable and hateful.

I have one case that happened in my family which I don’t know whom to blame… My cousin delivered a baby 5 years ago. The baby came out earlier than maturity for 2 months. The doctor asked for family’s decision of getting the baby out through Caesarean operation or natural birth. The young couple could not make the decision, so they asked my father to make the decision. My father suggested them to give the baby nature birth. After a few hours waiting, the doctor finally took the baby out via Caesarean operation. The baby was proved as a brain-paralysis patient when he was one year old. He could not walk and act like a normal person till now. The doctor could not explain the root cause of such disease as the baby was borne 2 months early. But my parents have been taking the cross for their life. I feel so bad when I heard the whole story, and I feel so bad when I saw the kid… Should this be a lesson learnt that my father took over the responsibility of the parents and the doctor?

4. What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?

I definitely think the government needs to take more responsibility to instill the sense of responsibility to the whole nations in China. If there is one thing to make the country collapsed someday, I view it as the creditability of this nation. The creditability of the country is based on the responsibility that each of individual person and organization is taking. The noxious baby formula that happened recently made me really angry and worry. In a country where there is no major religious belief, many people are surviving to have better life without considering more about the sequence of quick success and instant benefit, the government take unshirkable responsibility to educate people, set regulations and compliance to monitor the progress therefore to instill the believes of each one’s responsibility.

5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world? Is a country responsible for something greater than their country?

Yes to both questions in my mind. As for individual’s responsibility to others, I view that from the role an individual is playing – as a mother, a son, or a manager, a project leader…, everyone is responsible for others at a certain level via different ways. For the responsibility of a country to another one, I totally agree to many others comments from world peace. I may add a bit more in terms of environment – when one country is consuming more resources of the world, it creates trouble to all countries in the world. From this point of view, one country is definitely responsible for other countries, and for the whole world. In a great harmony world, a world policeman may not be well-accepted by others, but the great harmony is based on each country is responsible for their own and for the benefits of the whole world.

ATTACHMENT: Sherry Zhang

1. What Are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?

I indeed spent a little bit time to understand the phrase of "attachment" and got better understanding when I finished the reading of all others' response; and after conducting the survey of my attachment style. If we could go beyond the context of relationship, I would say, I might have attached too much with my work, my current romantic relationship, nice clothes and household goods, some habit from my childhood... And, maybe all of these links to the feeling of security.

I came from a rural area of China - northwest China where connects to eight countries at the board area like Russia, Afghanistan..etc. The living in hometown was poor but pleasant. As the eldest at home for 3 younger sisters, I was expected to be the role model, the leader to share the live burden with my parents, bring positive impact to my sisters and meet the expectation of "being the ridgepole" when I grow up. The living condition, lifestyle and culture of that location as well as the attention from my parents impacted me to be a person that maybe subconsciously worry about the scarcity of resources - therefore, you have to work extremely hard to earn them, this might have been reflected on my hardworking, my strong sense of caring and being loved, my yearn for nice materials - just to make myself feel secure.

Does the above attachments bring me pain, suffering and negative impact than pleasure and benefit? I think they provide me both feelings at different stage of life. Example as one of my younger sisters - she is used to "go with the flow of life" - in a negative way, no planning, lazy to prepare and relative passive on taking iniatives (or doesn't know how to) to build up relationship... When my father shared his strong concern on her life, I often comfort him that human beings intend to live in a life that he/she feels most comfortable. When the pain grows over the benefit, she will reinvent herself. I can see that she lives in the life of obtuse pain and pleasant of the moment. I'm going to talk about how this may reflect/affect me on my relationship in the responses to coming questions.

2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment? (Attachment Survey)

The survey says that I "fall into the preoccupied quadrant. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can often interfere with their relationships".

I was given the comments that I have a "big heart", and I have been surprised to be aware of my tolerance and patience on handling conflict during the relationship... sometimes I was totally confused by myself with my tolerance. To dig it, I think it may come out from the following two sources:

One is the lack of individualism due to my growing environment and the normal collectivism culture in China. I have been always taught to take care of others in my childhood - to my sisters, to guests that visited our home and to classmates of the school as I had been almost always as the class monitor Till today, I am often descripted by my peers as like a "elder sister" to take care of everyone in the team... when I see the needs from my partner, I feel the obligation to stay on and offer my help. Interestingly, this may also comes out from inherit of my parents. Though often my father would scold my mom as "you are not the saviour", I saw my father never rejected any requests from his patients even when he retired and those patients just came to my parents' apartment for free treatment.

I think the other reason may come out from my inner belief of taking the suffer as a challenge and only move on when I feel I overcome it. I experienced two serious relationships before I got married. In each, I had pleasant, suffering, tears, back and forth on breaking up... each lasted for 3-4 years. It seems it's not easy for me to just break with people quickly and decidedly - that's why when I watched "the Sex and City", I often was really surprised to see how quick they can get in and out a relationship (maybe even for Americans, that's just a show - I'll need other authors' comments on this point). To me, I just feel when the time is right, the relationship will be "terminated" naturally, and when such time comes, I feel ease and peaceful in my mind. It's just the cost of such "natual maturity" may become too high when I'm getting older and older. But this is also part of life experience. Some people enjoy "quick and diverse" relationships, while for me, the lessons might be deep and thorough in each relationship, until you're released naturally (or sometimes, "exhausted"). I could also be viewed as too stubborn. In my professional life, I once experienced really "bad" peer and boss, and I struggled and stopped idea of escape - it's so easy to change a job with higher pay in China. But I insisted and figured out how to deal with them, then I move on with relief in my mind and feel proud that I did not give up, and I can handle such people in the future. Not sure if this also applies to my personal relationship.

3. Is someone too attached to you?

I can easily attach to people who are around me. Sometimes, I need to be cautious on keeping distance with my working peers whom I really appreciate and enjoy talking to therefore to avoid favorism and bias to team members. But "over attachment" may happen on my relationship with my husband. I once moaned he did not care me as I cared him, and then I realized that different people have different way to express their emotion and he is just different than me. But when I am also clear that he is just more selfish and immature, my "altruism" starts to effect mischievously. On one side, I want to run away and be in a relationship that I can feel be loved and cared; the other side, I feel the needs from him to me. And this sometimes makes me intentionally contribute more in the relationship just expect that my change will support him to grow up. And sadly, I seems still not find the key. Or maybe the key is in my mind and the solution is easy - as some of my friends said "you deserve more and better". I just can't to make that decision now. To me, the decision seems not as easy as "get rid of the life and reinvent myself", it's even not the scare of worse life, it's just a cross I have on my back now. Maybe when the time is right, I will move on and feel ease in my mind.

4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig

I have some difficutlies to understand thoroughly the quote given my English level. After reading Rick's answer, I know where he came from as we recently had the wonderful chat of "dream". I think my answers to the above questions may have shared some of my thoughts relates to the quote. My suffering comes out from all the attachments I have which corelates to the growing experience I had. And if I'm a type of person that not care or think so much (or not at a position to be forced to think so much by a guy named Rick), my life could be easier. I am a Sagittarius, if I believe some of the saying about it, I believe my suffer comes out from the yearning for freedom from the bottom of my heart ("like to be free as the wind that blows") while I came out from the experience that I've been so used to take care of others' feeling - on some of the life choice I made, I think I'm scared to disppoint people who are important to me (like my parents). I know you may say but life is yours, yes, it's because of that, I know I would also suffer if I sense that I disppointed my parents or hurt others that I care. I'm still struggling in mind but not in a bad way, as I'm also learning and exploring pleasant from the journey.

5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you? (See interesting idea on “core beliefs” by Erza Bayda link below)

As shared in the above answers, I guess I'm the one that not decisive enough at this stage of my life to get rid of the life I'm having - maybe not planned. I still have the dream on my list of chasing wonderful relationship and be a freelanced consultant as the last phase of my professional life. And I believe I'm on the way to the life I am dreaming, it may just take longer time for me to go there, and it takes effort and sincerity if I avoid to be hurt too much and to hurt others too much - in my mind, there is the visual image now that a person is crossing the thorns, it indeed takes more effort not to be hurt and not break too much tress...

Okay, I dare to go back and read each of the answers I made to the above questions. I admit that I've been really honest, to people who know me. And I appreciate your patience to read through them.

Time to go to bed - it's almost my 2am and I am not the one on sabbatical time. Luckily I'm still in jet lag of flying back from SF last night so that I can finish this tough task, but worthy! Thanks, Rick, and thanks for all other authors' sharing.

(Temporary update from Author Sherry Zhang)

A note from author SHERRY ZHANG. Sherry is visiting the United States this week, and had hoped to write her response to week one. However, her traveling and camping will slow her down a little. Sherry writes:

Dear Rick,

Just let you know that I have difficulties to access to internet in the small Inn I’m staying at Carmel-Monterrey... We went to Yosemite National Park yesterday from SF, stayed in a camp last night, hiked for 4 hours this morning, then drove back to Carmel-Monterrey today. The plan is to visit the place named as “17 miles drive” near the sea. We’ll then leave for the airport the day after tomorrow.

Given the difficulties to access to internet, I’ll have to respond your questions when I’m back to China – I’m now writing via my blackberry - surprisingly, I explored how to write email on my blackberry through yahoo mailbox. But the speed is too slow.

So, in case you’re online, you’ll know where I am and what I’m doing.

The travel so far is amazing! The view from Yosemite back to Carmel-Monterrey is as “vast” and & “broad” as I experienced in my hometown. I feel I just started to experience US.

AUTHOR BIO: Sherry Zhang

SHERRY ZHANG. Shanghai, China. Leader of Human Resources for a medical supplies company. Wife. One of 5 daughters and born in the far rural north of China. A part of the “new China.”