ATTACHMENT: Jennifer

(Posted by Rick Von Feldt on behalf of Jennifer)

1. What are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?

A 19th century author by the name of George MacDonald, many of whose books I read in high school, wrote, “The cause of all discomfort and strife is never that we are too near others, but that we are not near enough.” That’s always been my modus operandi. Of course, attachment sometimes causes pain, especially when one loses what one is attached to. But as long as one acknowledges and accepts the possibility of loss, without agonizing over it, one can be happy and grow in a state of attachment in ways that detachment does not inspire.

I am also quite attached to things, like my books, for example, which number in the thousands and surround me now. I channel their power and inspiration as I write, and I cherish them because they remind me how I became who I am. I am very attached to my photos, because they also help me remember, and I love remembering. I will be a very happy old lady, sitting in my rocking chair and smiling fondly.

Hmmm, this question has made me think as I write, but I suppose I’ve never responded spiritually to the Buddhist notion of “attachment as suffering.” Perhaps I interpret attachment more as “connection,” rather than “clinging.”

2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment?

I am “securely attached,” according to the attachment survey, which I suspected. I find it interesting that the explanation of my score reads, “Previous research on attachment styles indicates that secure people tend to have relatively enduring and satisfying relationships.” I find, rather, that people who have relatively enduring and satisfying relationships tend to be secure.

3. Is someone too attached to you?
My family and especially my children are attached to me, but appropriately so, I believe. I enjoy watching my children become more independent, however. I’m not one of the hold-too-tight kind of moms. I try to give them roots so that they’ll feel secure enough to try their wings.

4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig

Well, I’m ignoring the second part of this quotation, because I don’t think I really get it. However, I do believe that fear is what really causes suffering. When that which we fear comes to pass, we must simply keep living and deal with it or decide that life is too painful to keep living, but regardless, we cannot fear it anymore. It’s the anticipation of suffering which truly causes the suffering. The only thing I really fear, I suppose, is madness. I like to be in control of my life, and madness is the ultimate loss of control. Or maybe even worse – to be thought mad by others when I am not. Not that I’m worried; in other words, it doesn’t cause me suffering. I suppose I’ve just read too many stories by 19th century women writers, and as a woman, I feel somewhat vulnerable at times.

5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you?

I’m a planner. I carry with me everywhere a little black book with my schedule and my lists of things to do, books to read, presents to buy, classes to take, dissertation topics to consider. I start buying Christmas gifts in January. My husband and I have a seven-year capital improvements plan for our household. When I was pregnant with my first child, we took a very intense childbirth education class and developed a two-page single-spaced birth plan. Even when things didn’t go as planned with child number one, we had a similarly detailed birth plan for child number two. My sister looks at my calendar and remarks, “If I had your life, I’d kill myself.”

For a long time, because of comments like my sister’s, I beat myself up for being too structured and rigid, unable to be spontaneous and live in the moment. I’ve certainly challenged myself to become more flexible – traveling with Up With People was certainly a year that challenged me in this area; being married and having children has definitely obliged me to accept different ways of doing things; and the universe has presented me with many opportunities to learn that I can’t plan everything, which I’ve finally accepted with as much grace as I can muster.
But being a parent has also reinforced my belief that structure is good. My kids do a lot better with regular meal and bed times. My ability to plan has allowed me to travel with children and balance having a family and being a full-time student. My skill with structure means that we live within our means, save for college and retirement, and take occasional vacations. Because I can live with schedules, I am able to be more environmentally responsible and take public transportation.
There are too many cool things to do in life, and I’ve decided that if I want to do them all, I have to fit them in my schedule. In order to be able to take advantage of those moments of true spontaneity, in order to be responsive when things change, I have to be prepared. I must have the money saved to take a last-minute trip to somewhere wonderful. I have to do my research if I want to be able to think on my feet when I’m teaching a class or speaking publicly. I need to know what the consequences will be if I have to make quick decisions about medical care. I have to pack a good lunch if I want to go on an adventurous hike. The life that is waiting for me is the life that I dream about, reach for, and then plan for. In other words, there’s a time and a place for spontaneity. :-)

Attachment - Andreas

1. What are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?
My life, when/if I get old. Because it is in our nature to hang on in there. I just said farewell to my grandpa, on his 96th birthday. I am almost certain I will not see him again, but he is still around as I write this. For his sake, I wish he had passed about a year ago.

2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment?
I am not surprised to see that I am very relaxed and safe - I am in a wonderful marriage since 2001, and with my wife since 1996, when I was just 20!

3. Is someone too attached to you?
No. Daring to be attached is a part of daring to love to the fullest.

4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: ”Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms.” - Chuck Hillig
It's a quote that doesn't seem to catch me, no matter how many times I re-read it. (But I disagree with the usage of the words ”directly proportional” in this context. This matter is less mathematical than that.)

5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you?
Able, perhaps, but not willing.

ATTACHMENT - Peter Waring

1. Picture this. A small boy, twenty months of age with big blue eyes sobbing as he clings to the wire fence enclosing his playgroup - searching and calling for his father while his father watches painfully from a distance, wanting to comfort his boy but knowing he should not.

This has been my life for the last month as my son Jack has begun a new playgroup in Singapore. Parents are instructed to stay with their children for the first half hour of the three hour session and then quietly withdraw to the safe distance of a nearby cafe. So far, each session has begun well and ended badly, with Jack picking up his small bag and heading for the gate within the first hour. It has proved to be the most difficult challenge I have yet faced as a parent to see him distressed and yet resist the temptation to run to him. I'm not sure which of us is suffering the most! The experience underscores my absolute love for him and the vulnerability that comes with being a parent.

My wife's cousin died in his early twenties - I still remember his parent's faces on the day of the funeral - etched with a grief they have never really overcome. I can't and never want to imagine having to deal with that kind of pain but ultimately the bond between parent and child evokes the possibility of both extreme happiness and suffering.

2. Thankfully I'm 'secure' - but I had a good intuitive sense of this in any case.

3. Probably only my son. I would like to also think my wife but she is fiercely capable and independent in every respect.

4. My interpretation of this may be inaccurate but I think there is a sliver of truth in Chuck's statement Sometimes we don't view challenges in our life through the prism of the longer term and perhaps more rational perspective. What seems important to us in the moment and which causes suffering, may, with the passage of time and a more rational outlook, appear just a little silly. Though I also agree with 'Bianca' - Chuck's turn of phrase obfuscates rather than clarifies.

5. I think this is a great question Rick and I moved by Bianca's response to it. I have a strong internal locus of control but I still believe that we can't control, everything. Life sometimes throws us curve balls and how how we deal with these is a measure of the strength of our characters. Life is about getting kicked in the teeth occasionally but what matters is how quickly we pick ourselves up and dust ourselves down. Recently both my sister and brother have separated from their partners and have had to contemplate radical changes to their life plans. I think this kind of 'de-construction' is part of the pattern of life - but let's face it, without 'de-construction' and 're-construction' life might be pleasant but also dull.

ATTACHMENT - Bianca Regina

1. I am quite successful at getting rid of attachments that cause me pain and suffering. This includes people who take advantage of me, household appliances that are not in use, clothes that don't fit any more, methods at work that have proven to be problematic. It might seem heartless to put people, clothes and kitchen stuff and working methods into the same sentence, but there is a common motive behind it. I am a very tidy person, and I guess that I try to keep my life tidy, too. It keeps me happy to only "have" (i.e. be attached to) people and things that feel healthy to me. Consequently, I live in an uncluttered household, I choose my clothes carefully, and I have some very close friends. There is a downside as well, of course: I am sometimes perceived as hard and cold. I don't have a big circle of acquaintances or a wide range of fashionable clothes to choose from.
   
2. I am, like I expected, "securely" attached. I don't avoid or fear attachment. Nothing new there.
3. Attachment is an important part of doing psychotherapy. And of course, some patients become too attached. And therapists, likewise, get too attached to their patients. I try to stay away from that by always reminding myself that these are adults who make their own choices. I don't tell them what to do. I would never suggest to someone that they leave their wife/job/addiction behind. I can, however, make suggestions, and I can help them figure out what the motives for and the consequences of their actions are. I once worked with a woman for 25 sessions after which she told me that she was now much happier because she had understood why she was staying with her cheating, good-for-nothing husband. Therapy had helped her make a choice that was good for her. Psychotherapy becomes very stressful when a therapist tries to get the patient to do what is right for them. I guess the rule is that when I don't get too attached, the patients don't get too attached, either. So all in all, people getting too attached to me is not a big problem in my life.
   
4. I won't answer that question because to me, the quote is not concise enough to understand what the author means. Personal identity in the world of forms? Please. The author claims on his website that his "clarity of expression has earned him [...] admiration and praise". Sorry, no praise from me, Chuck.
   
5. I had planned on a life with kids with my husband (my daughter is from my previous marriage). After three years of unsuccessfully trying to conceive I went to a therapist and learned to mourn and be sad for the babies that we can't have (I also learned about the benefits of psychotherapy from a patient's perspective). Now, my husband and me have made the choice to adopt from Ethiopia. It feels very good, this life that is waiting for us. Dealing with infertility is about dealing with the life that you have planned. In my case, it was good to let go of that plan. And from what I've seen and read, the question of "Do you really want to do everything that is possible to have your own baby, no matter how high the financial/emotional cost?" is asked much too rarely. My doctor never asked me, but I'm very glad I asked myself, and that the answer was no. I have learned that it is important to acknowledge the pain of letting go of your plan - but that it is also a relief.
   

WEEK ONE: Five questions on ATTACHMENT

TOPIC WEEK ONE: ATTACHMENT

AUTHOR IN CHARGE THIS WEEK: Rick Von Feldt

FIVE QUESTIONS ON FRIDAY:

1. What Are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?
2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment? (Attachment Survey)
3. Is someone too attached to you?
4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig
5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you? (See interesting idea on “core beliefs” by Erza Bayda link below)

Over the next week – 10 authors (including myself) will write in this space under the headline of ATTACHMENT – (Author Name). Come back this week to read our thoughts – and provide your comments.

TOPIC INTRODUCTION by this week’s writer

I could hear the collective “groan!” when I typed out the first topic of “FIVE QUESTIONS ON FRIDAY.”

“Rick, did you really have to start with such a huge – deep topic to open this up?” I know. I had to the conversation with myself. This week, I had collected 30-40 ideas of interesting things I wanted to learn about from our ten authors. I debated topics about life, dreams, cats, Sarah Palin, fatherhood, Neil Sedaka and sleep. After writing them all down, I sipped on a cup of coffee, and asked the questions to speak to me. In the end, this topic was the one that shouted the loudest.

And so we begin with this Buddhist idea of attachment – and the potential connection to suffering and happiness in life. I listen often to family and friends talk about the good and bad in their life. Often, I have noticed that in order to stop the bad things – it means giving up something. Are these attachments? That is the topic for us to discuss this week.

BACKGROUND READING and LINKS.

• ATTACHMENT THEORY: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory
• “ATTACHMENT” by by Ezra Bayda. Adapted from At Home in the Muddy Water: A Guide to Finding Peace within Everyday Chaos. From the “Guide to Buddhism” site at: http://www.shambhala.com/html/learn/features/buddhism/basics/attachment.cfm
• “How Our Cravings and Attachments Cause Our Pain And Suffering, Part 2” by the Urbanmonk (link: http://www.urbanmonk.net/321/how-our-cravings-and-attachments-cause-our-pain-and-suffering-part-2/). (Interesting site by the way in general: http://www.urbanmonk.net/ - where Albert Foong, aka “The Urban Monk” aims to provide a free companion in your personal development journey inwards into yourself and outwards into the urban world - modern life, entwined with ancient spirituality. (note: I plan to send him these five questions – and ask if he would be interested in responding.”)
• Attachment Survey: http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl)

AUTHOR BIO: Rick Von Feldt

(updated!) RICK VON FELDT, Redwood Shores, California. Retiree. Thinker. Writer. Rick spent 13 years in the high tech industry specializing in Human Resources, training and leadership development. In May, 2008, he has been taking a sabbatical to enjoy other things on his dream list besides work. His root are from Kansas, but he has lived across the world including 7 years in Singapore and Japan. In addition to his blog “Run Rick Run” at www.morethanatob.blogspot.com, you can also read about Rick’s experiences in the middle of the 2003 tsunami at www.phukettsunami.blogspot.com. Along with hundreds of others who experienced the tsunami, Rick blogged the stories of himself and other survivors. He is single. A uncle of six. And a friend of many.

AUTHOR BIO: Ramak Siadatan

(updated!) RAMAK SIADATAN. Sacramento , California . Husband. Thinker. Generation X..."the final years." Manages a Learning & Development operations team. Ramak is passionate about family, friends, sports and music. He loves to listen, teach and speak. Some day he hopes to retire into teaching high school math, coaching track and field, and writing on the side. Until then, he continues to learn about the world through his own observations as well as through the eyes of everyone he meets.

AUTHOR BIO: Peter Waring

PETER WARING. Originally from Australia, but living with his wife and son in Singapore. PhD. Father. Teacher. Lawyer. Husband. Senior lecturer at the University of Newcastle, Singapore. Assistant Professor at UNSW Asia Singapore. Peter is the co-author of three books including the best selling employment relations text in Australia published by McGraw-Hill. He has also published more than forty refereed book chapters and academic articles in leading international journals such as The Journal of Business Ethics, Corporate Governance: An International Review, Employee Relations, Corporate Governance and Personnel Review. Followed his wife to Malaysia and Singapore. Loves spending as much of the day with his son Jack. And just learned that soon, Jack will have a sister.

AUTHOR BIO: Brett Battles

(updated!) BRETT BATTLES. Los Angeles, California. Father of three. Knew he wanted to be a writer since fifth grade. (see interview at Brett’s website: http://www.brettbattles.com/bio.php) Author of three books. “The Cleaner” and “The Deceived” have been published in multiple languages around the world. They features the character Jonathan Quinn – a professional “cleaner.” Brett has just finished his third book in the series, “Shadow of Betrayal”, to be release in late June 2009 in the U.S. and the U.K. He has also recently signed a new contract for two more Quinn books with his publisher, Bantam Dell. As of mid-September 2008, Brett has begun writing full time. Brett is a member of the International Thriller Writers organization, Mystery Writers of America, and is one of the founders of Killer Year (www.killeryear.com). His blog, “A Writer’s Sphere”, can be found at: http://bbattles.blogspot.com/. He is also a member of the group blog Murderati (http://murderati.typepad.com/murderati/) which features several well known mystery and thriller authors.

AUTHOR BIO: Sherry Zhang

SHERRY ZHANG. Shanghai, China. Leader of Human Resources for a medical supplies company. Wife. One of 5 daughters and born in the far rural north of China. A part of the “new China.”

AUTHOR BIO: Eduardo Infante

(updated!) EDUARDO INFANTE. Aguascalientes, Mexico. Husband. Father of two. Economics & Business Teacher. Football (American) enthusiast. Once thought to become a priest, or the president of his country. Loves to talk. Argue. And listen, “I like teaching because I love talking. But I also thoroughly enjoy listening. And teaching gives you a chance to perform both duties, listening and talking, almost in an non-ending way. And then, there's one more thing I also like doing: arguing.Yes, I'm more of the arguing type. My friends like to say that I'm a stubborn person. They may be right. I'm as stubborn as you can find, especially when there's a beer or two involved. Sometimes I argue because I'm right, and like to defend my points of view. Some other times, I also argue because I like to. Because I can. Throughout life, I've learned that one can get to know oneself very well through arguing, though. Knowing something is wrong and not doing anything to change it, at least to speak up and point it, just does not make sense to me. And so, I've probably gotten myself in more arguments already than most people have in their lifetime.” Eduardo is a daily blogging author at “On Anything Random Thoughts” at: http://eduardoinfante.blogspot.com

AUTHOR BIO: Bianca Regina

(updated!) BIANCA REGINA not her real name). Germany. Mother. Married this month. Psychotherapist, sees patients 4 days a week, reserving the 5th day for balance and family. Loves to read, has a passion for English (occasionally dabbling in translation work). Gets antsy if she doesn't leave the country at least once every year. Used to have her own blog but - due to the nature of her work - wants to keep her private life private these days. Hence the alias.

AUTHOR BIO: Bob Riel

BOB RIEL. Tucson, Arizona. Husband. New father. Stay at home father and writer of cultural learning and awareness materials. Author of book, “Two Laps Around the World: Tales and Insights from a Life Sabbatical.” The book is about the experience Bob and his wife Lisa had when we decided to take a few months off from careers to travel. “The experience was so incredible that we repeated the experience less than three years later and so ended up traveling around the world twice - once in each direction.” Bob writes at his daily blog “Travels in the Riel World” at: http://www.rielworld.com. Bob has written numerous articles and training manuals about business cultures around the world. He is a former newspaper reporter.

AUTHOR BIO: Andreas Ekstrom

(updated!) ANDREAS (Andy) EKSTROM. Lund, Sweden. Husband. Culture writer for the daily paper Sydsvenska Dagbladet. Author of book ”Hemliga Pappan” (Secret Daddy), which started as a secret blog. Eventually, his cover was blown, and the blog became a book, which received nice reviews. The blog and book is about his first year as a father, written after the birth of his first daughter in 2005. Author of five year running blog at: http://www.andreasekstrom.se. Now a father of two including latest arrival of a girl in the fall of 2007. For the most of this year, he has been on paternity leave and just returned to work this week.