1. How would you describe your diet? How do you feel about it? Do you think you need to change it in any way, and if so, how and why? If you feel you need to change it, but haven't yet, what is standing in your way of making the change?
I would describe my diet as fairly healthy. I try to eat lots of fruit and veg, like you should. I recently quit drinking alcohol (for good, I think, though I'm not sure yet). We cook on 3-4 evenings a week, I don't eat much meat etc etc. But. I do eat too much chocolate. Which I should change. Because I, like Andreas, gain weight quite easily. I have recently switched from sweet breakfast cereal to just oats with fresh fruit, that feels good. I have also given up the habit of eating chocolat in bed every night (which I did for years!). Now, I brush my teeth in the evening, go to bed and feel all healthy. Alright, sometimes I feel a craving for my favourite choco-drug, to, but so far, I have always resisted it. However, I have given in to the craving at other times of the day far too many times. So all in all, I'm quite content with the way that I eat. As for the chocolate thing, I guess I haven't changed it because I don't really want to.
2. How do you or your family eat? How do you feel about this? Again, do you feel the need for change?
In the evenings, we all eat together, sit down, no music, no TV, talk and enjoy our food. While I'm at work, I eat at my desk. I work by myself, and I have organized my working days so that I spend as little times as possible at work, which means few and short breaks. So lunches are more of a sustenance and less of an enjoyment thing. Sadly, my daughter is a VERY picky eater, the list of things she will eat is incredibly short. I think that she should change, but she hasn't (yet, I hope). The husband and me love to go out to restaurants. On the weekends, I sometimes cook more elaborate meals. I love trying out new recipes!
3. Where do you shop for your food? How do your food-shopping habits reflect your values?
I shop at one of the two local supermarkets, trying to buy organically grown and local produce as much as possible. We buy our fairly traded espresso beans and some delicacies (like Fleur de Sel) online. We used to have a box of organically grown vegetables delivered to our home every week, but that turned out to be too much of a commitment. All in all, my shopping habits reflect different values: not wanting to spend a lot of time shopping and trying to buy organically grown and tasty stuff.
4. What does your country do to influence how and what people eat? Does this need to change, in your opinion?
All in all, I am happy with what my country does to influence what and how people eat: there is a lot of extra funding for organic farming, school meals are monitored for their nutritional value, and there is now a wide-spread awareness of what is and isn't healthy food.
5. What one thing can you do to:
a) wean yourself off an oil-based diet and onto sun-based foods?
I'm not sure that I know what sun-based foods are. To limit my oil intake, I could quit eating pizza, I guess. Or limit myself to eating a pizza every other months.
As for sun-based - there is a temptation now, in the winter, to buy a lot of fruit from far-off, sun-soaked places like South America and Northern Africa, but that's not really environmentally sound... so I try to make do with products like apples and pears from my own sun-starved country.
b) improve your eating habits and thus your health?
Leave the chocolate at the store.
c) encourage others to do the same?
Abstain from eating dessert with them. Encourage my daughter to try new things again and again. She's good with the sweets, though: she has one "Sweets Day" a week where she can pick 15 sweets from a box - outside of that, there are no sweets, and she deposits all sweets that she receives in that box, telling people "thank you, I'll eat that on Wednesday". That works very well, and she never cheats. Maybe I should pick up the "Sweets Day" habit for myself...
Showing posts with label Bianca Regina. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bianca Regina. Show all posts
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
RICK VON FELDT: Prejudice and Stereotypes
1. What are some of the things people who don't know you very well tend to think about you?
When I used to work in Singapore – I would sometimes go out to coffee with my assistant. That poor woman had to deal with my “office demeanor” – which often times would be short, impatient and rather direct. After a few cups of coffee, and taking time to really talk, I would usually ask her about how the team was doing – and if there was any thoughts about me she was hearing. I was always surprised to hear her call me “fierce.” I don’t see myself as fierce. I also think that until people get to know me – they wonder what in the world I am doing living a single life. I think the assume there must be something wrong with me – and that something bad in my life happened, causing me to want to live alone all these years.
2. Which of these assumptions are true?
I don’t think I am fierce. Impatient? Yes. And ok – if certain principles in life are violated – then I can get fierce – at least in my stare. But I rarely erupt in anger. I sometimes like to “grrr” at other cars on the highway. There I can be fierce. Last week, when I was in Kansas, my parents would often fight on where they would sit in the car. They would argue on who would get to be in the back seat. Perhaps that is a reflection of people who do know me – and my fierceness?
3. Which stereotypes about your country are true about you, if any?
I suppose I have to start with what I think are the main stereotypes: thoughtlessly optimistic, sometimes shallow, generally US centric and not thinking about the world. We can be seen as fundamentalists – based upon not well thought out ideas or based upon religion. We are thought to be consumptive and wasteful. We act sometimes before we think. We are more interesting in what is possible versus what should not be.
Am I like that?
I think I do embody the optimism of America. I like to think about “yes I can” vs. “no – we can’t do that.” I have been weaned on the idea that hard work can get you anything. I don’t take no for an answer and I will question, but yes, sometimes on emotion rather than thought. I don’t think I am shallow and if anything – too intense in general.
I think what would have also been interesting with this question is that each of us should have provided to the others what our perspectives of stereotypes were for their countries. I think I will go back and do that in the comment section. For example, I have some interesting ideas for Peter as an Australian….
4. What are situations in which you find yourself to be prejudiced?
I am prejudiced at times. I admit it. For example, I stereotype – and am predjudiced about drivers in California. I believe, and am right about 95% of the time that the slowest and wrong drivers on the highway are Hispanics or Asian women wives. I stereotypically blame this on lack of confidence or skill. It drives me crazy – and I talk to them when I pass them crazily in my car in the fast lane. Or rather – when they are in the fast lane – and I have to go around them!
When I returned to the USA – I had to once again adjust to the idea in America that you are not allowed to see color. In Asia – people would describe me as a Caucasian. That is what I was. It was a way to designate. That could have add on connotations. But with so much ethnic diversity – it was sometimes easier to understand people based upon a starting point. Of course, it also irked me when I was described as an American. And with that – came lots of stereotypes of silly Americans or American expats that hung out at the American Club.
Last week, I was reminded about how some of these predjudices form. I was back home with my family. I had taken a few of them out for lunch. In the route to drive to the Thai restaurant, I managed to take wrong turn – and headed incorrectly in to East Topeka. Topeka, like many Midwest towns either self segregate – or simply do it economically, which often achieves the same result. (Oops. You see – that is also a stereotype – some of which is true – but of course, not completely.)
As we started to drive into these neighborhoods, in which lawns were not cut, debris not removed and houses were not well kept, horror crossed the eyes of my families face. One of them even made a surprising comment with racial overtones. I was surprised at their reaction. Yet – I reminded myself that 20 years ago – I had the same perspective. This type of neighborhood in Topeka meant either Hispanic or Black neighborhoods. It was still true – but somehow – thinks looked less dangerous to me. I am not sure if this is because while living in Asia – I made new associations that poor did not equal bad or dangerous. I replaced some of that fear with empathy. But that is not what I was brought up to believe. While my Germanic upbringing has served me well in worth ethic – it can also breed intolerance to those who don’t work hard and make something of themselves. That intolerance gets mixed with fear – and expectations – and for many – nasty stereotypes develop.
Let me recount one more story that is fresh on my mind. It happened tonight, on the eve of Barack Obama becoming the president-elect of the US. About an hour before Obama was declared the winner of the election, I was finishing up at the gym. (If I have to watch election results, I might as well be on the treadmill at the same time!)
In the men’s locker room, I had finished showering, and was putting on my clothes. Usually, most people in the gym only talk to people they know. And since this is not my purpose in the gym, I keep my head down, do my work out and get out of there. No conversation.
A man on the nearby bench blurted out to me, “Well – that seems to have ended pretty quick tonight.” I looked around, and not seeing anyone else, realized he was talking to me.
“Pardon me?” I said.
“The election is already over. He won.”
I nodded.
“Now what are we going to do?” he said.
I was surprised that a stranger was talking to me. And even more surprised that he was asking provoking questions about politics. I was trying to think about how to handle the question. I was wearing jeans. My hair is longer. I certainly didn’t “look” the McCain (stereotype). Why was he saying this to me?
I decided to take the high road – and just get out of it. I responded, “It is time for a new America.”
He simply huffed and said, “We have been paying them to have babies for twenty years. Now we are going to pay for it.”
I was surprised. Shocked. I didn’t know what to say. I was tempted to spit something back at him, but I knew that it was a wrong place to debate. And moreover – he was a person not worth convincing.
I said nothing.
But as I drove home, I played the conversation over in my head – and tried to realize where his prejudice and perspective was coming from.
I can go more into my thought. But my bottom line realization is that the man had fear in his eyes. In his mind, his white world of supremecy was slowly coming to an end. And for him – and many Americans with wrong impressions about diversity in their minds – they are filled with fear.
I had to fortunately experience to be a diverse person living in a diverse world. Young people today are growing up in the same way.
But older generations of self (and this is a generalization and a stereotype) segregation haven’t learned that the world is a mix.
5. To you, what value is there in stereotypes?
Several of my author colleagues said that there is not much value in predjudice. While I agree that it can lead to many negative things – I think there is some value.
Sometimes, to me, it is like starting out with a hypothesis. You start with a set of assumptions and then your job is to either validate or dispel them. I have a sterotype that Asian women of 45 years of age here in California are slow drives that only come out at 10:30 am. I would hope that I find them out here kicking my butt in the fast lane. Generally, my sterotype is true. And I cheer them on when the buck the trend.
I stereotype that people from the Midwest have a certain set of “land values.” I go about validating if it is true and what is not true.
I believe, whether we like it or not – we all discover other people in this way. What is wrong is when we judge and don’t optimistically look to validate both sides.
I will give one more example.
Today, I needed to go in to ATT to get a new USB wireless card for my computer. I walked in to the store, and walked up to the man behind the counter who was free. He had scruffy facial hair. His polo shirt was way too tight to cover his massive 250 lb frame. He was not Caucasian. He had an ear ring.
Whether I wanted to or not – I had instant perspectives in what I thought he might be – both good and bad.
To me – challenge is to have those stereotypes – and then go about dispelling them or proving them true.
Isn’t that what we do as humans?
Is that right or wrong?
(drop me a note for more on my interactions with this particular chap – and whether my stereotype held true or not.)
When I used to work in Singapore – I would sometimes go out to coffee with my assistant. That poor woman had to deal with my “office demeanor” – which often times would be short, impatient and rather direct. After a few cups of coffee, and taking time to really talk, I would usually ask her about how the team was doing – and if there was any thoughts about me she was hearing. I was always surprised to hear her call me “fierce.” I don’t see myself as fierce. I also think that until people get to know me – they wonder what in the world I am doing living a single life. I think the assume there must be something wrong with me – and that something bad in my life happened, causing me to want to live alone all these years.
2. Which of these assumptions are true?
I don’t think I am fierce. Impatient? Yes. And ok – if certain principles in life are violated – then I can get fierce – at least in my stare. But I rarely erupt in anger. I sometimes like to “grrr” at other cars on the highway. There I can be fierce. Last week, when I was in Kansas, my parents would often fight on where they would sit in the car. They would argue on who would get to be in the back seat. Perhaps that is a reflection of people who do know me – and my fierceness?
3. Which stereotypes about your country are true about you, if any?
I suppose I have to start with what I think are the main stereotypes: thoughtlessly optimistic, sometimes shallow, generally US centric and not thinking about the world. We can be seen as fundamentalists – based upon not well thought out ideas or based upon religion. We are thought to be consumptive and wasteful. We act sometimes before we think. We are more interesting in what is possible versus what should not be.
Am I like that?
I think I do embody the optimism of America. I like to think about “yes I can” vs. “no – we can’t do that.” I have been weaned on the idea that hard work can get you anything. I don’t take no for an answer and I will question, but yes, sometimes on emotion rather than thought. I don’t think I am shallow and if anything – too intense in general.
I think what would have also been interesting with this question is that each of us should have provided to the others what our perspectives of stereotypes were for their countries. I think I will go back and do that in the comment section. For example, I have some interesting ideas for Peter as an Australian….
4. What are situations in which you find yourself to be prejudiced?
I am prejudiced at times. I admit it. For example, I stereotype – and am predjudiced about drivers in California. I believe, and am right about 95% of the time that the slowest and wrong drivers on the highway are Hispanics or Asian women wives. I stereotypically blame this on lack of confidence or skill. It drives me crazy – and I talk to them when I pass them crazily in my car in the fast lane. Or rather – when they are in the fast lane – and I have to go around them!
When I returned to the USA – I had to once again adjust to the idea in America that you are not allowed to see color. In Asia – people would describe me as a Caucasian. That is what I was. It was a way to designate. That could have add on connotations. But with so much ethnic diversity – it was sometimes easier to understand people based upon a starting point. Of course, it also irked me when I was described as an American. And with that – came lots of stereotypes of silly Americans or American expats that hung out at the American Club.
Last week, I was reminded about how some of these predjudices form. I was back home with my family. I had taken a few of them out for lunch. In the route to drive to the Thai restaurant, I managed to take wrong turn – and headed incorrectly in to East Topeka. Topeka, like many Midwest towns either self segregate – or simply do it economically, which often achieves the same result. (Oops. You see – that is also a stereotype – some of which is true – but of course, not completely.)
As we started to drive into these neighborhoods, in which lawns were not cut, debris not removed and houses were not well kept, horror crossed the eyes of my families face. One of them even made a surprising comment with racial overtones. I was surprised at their reaction. Yet – I reminded myself that 20 years ago – I had the same perspective. This type of neighborhood in Topeka meant either Hispanic or Black neighborhoods. It was still true – but somehow – thinks looked less dangerous to me. I am not sure if this is because while living in Asia – I made new associations that poor did not equal bad or dangerous. I replaced some of that fear with empathy. But that is not what I was brought up to believe. While my Germanic upbringing has served me well in worth ethic – it can also breed intolerance to those who don’t work hard and make something of themselves. That intolerance gets mixed with fear – and expectations – and for many – nasty stereotypes develop.
Let me recount one more story that is fresh on my mind. It happened tonight, on the eve of Barack Obama becoming the president-elect of the US. About an hour before Obama was declared the winner of the election, I was finishing up at the gym. (If I have to watch election results, I might as well be on the treadmill at the same time!)
In the men’s locker room, I had finished showering, and was putting on my clothes. Usually, most people in the gym only talk to people they know. And since this is not my purpose in the gym, I keep my head down, do my work out and get out of there. No conversation.
A man on the nearby bench blurted out to me, “Well – that seems to have ended pretty quick tonight.” I looked around, and not seeing anyone else, realized he was talking to me.
“Pardon me?” I said.
“The election is already over. He won.”
I nodded.
“Now what are we going to do?” he said.
I was surprised that a stranger was talking to me. And even more surprised that he was asking provoking questions about politics. I was trying to think about how to handle the question. I was wearing jeans. My hair is longer. I certainly didn’t “look” the McCain (stereotype). Why was he saying this to me?
I decided to take the high road – and just get out of it. I responded, “It is time for a new America.”
He simply huffed and said, “We have been paying them to have babies for twenty years. Now we are going to pay for it.”
I was surprised. Shocked. I didn’t know what to say. I was tempted to spit something back at him, but I knew that it was a wrong place to debate. And moreover – he was a person not worth convincing.
I said nothing.
But as I drove home, I played the conversation over in my head – and tried to realize where his prejudice and perspective was coming from.
I can go more into my thought. But my bottom line realization is that the man had fear in his eyes. In his mind, his white world of supremecy was slowly coming to an end. And for him – and many Americans with wrong impressions about diversity in their minds – they are filled with fear.
I had to fortunately experience to be a diverse person living in a diverse world. Young people today are growing up in the same way.
But older generations of self (and this is a generalization and a stereotype) segregation haven’t learned that the world is a mix.
5. To you, what value is there in stereotypes?
Several of my author colleagues said that there is not much value in predjudice. While I agree that it can lead to many negative things – I think there is some value.
Sometimes, to me, it is like starting out with a hypothesis. You start with a set of assumptions and then your job is to either validate or dispel them. I have a sterotype that Asian women of 45 years of age here in California are slow drives that only come out at 10:30 am. I would hope that I find them out here kicking my butt in the fast lane. Generally, my sterotype is true. And I cheer them on when the buck the trend.
I stereotype that people from the Midwest have a certain set of “land values.” I go about validating if it is true and what is not true.
I believe, whether we like it or not – we all discover other people in this way. What is wrong is when we judge and don’t optimistically look to validate both sides.
I will give one more example.
Today, I needed to go in to ATT to get a new USB wireless card for my computer. I walked in to the store, and walked up to the man behind the counter who was free. He had scruffy facial hair. His polo shirt was way too tight to cover his massive 250 lb frame. He was not Caucasian. He had an ear ring.
Whether I wanted to or not – I had instant perspectives in what I thought he might be – both good and bad.
To me – challenge is to have those stereotypes – and then go about dispelling them or proving them true.
Isn’t that what we do as humans?
Is that right or wrong?
(drop me a note for more on my interactions with this particular chap – and whether my stereotype held true or not.)
Sunday, November 2, 2008
BIANCA REGINA: Travel, Work and Politcs
1. Can you describe a favorite travel memory? It doesn’t have to be extraordinary - simple is good, too – but what is a memory of some travel experience that you treasure?
Being in Naples, Italy with the husband, eating pizza every day, drinking as much capuccino as we could, savouring street food, being outside - just trying to soak up all the simple, wonderful things about Italian life. Another favourite memory is being by myself on transatlantic flights. I really enjoyed being alone, and noticing that moment when time begins to drift, changing from one time zone and continent to another.
2. What is something you’ve learned from traveling – a lesson that you’ve tried to carry with you in the rest of your life?
Like Andreas: to take less. I once travelled in Mexico with my elder brother, me having already learned this lesson, him more and more annoyed with the weight of his backpack (and with watching me and my small, lightweight backpack) every day. In the end, he left a bunch of clothing behind in a hotel. Maybe some very tall Mexican is still wearing his clothes today.
Another lesson: to prepare. I love it when I have everything with me, down to the miniature bottle of my favourite conditioner, earplugs and a well-stocked MP3 player. It kind of contradicts the first lesson, so I would probably modify it to say that I think about not taking too much, but that I also take as many things as possible to treat myself well (even if three pairs of pants, four rings and four pairs of earrings aren't really necessary for a weekend, it's great to be able to choose).
3. I’ve been doing a bit of reading about work and careers lately, and came across this quote: “Jump, and a net will appear.” What does that say to you, if anything, and does it apply in any way to your own life?
I haven't jumped all that muchcareer-wise, in fact, parts of my career can accurately be described as stumbling. I like to think that I could jump if I had to, and that I would trust that a net would appear. Currently, I don't have to, so it doesn't really apply. I take risks in doing therapy and I try out new things, but that's walking or possibly skipping, not jumping.
4. Here is another quote about work and life choices that I recently discovered: “I must simplify my life, and whittle down what I do to the things that I am absolutely the most passionate about, or else I risk being stuck in mediocrity.” Similarly, what does that say to you, if anything, and does it apply to your own life?
It does say something to me. Like I said, I try to get rid of stuff that's not good for me. I also only work four days a week - a luxury I can afford because my job is well paid, but also something I do to increase the quality of my work. Well, also to increase the amount of time I have to do fun things. I can live with being mediocre for part of the time too, otherwise, life just gets too exhausting for me.
5. The U.S presidential election is on Tuesday. By the time you have to answer this question, we’ll know the outcome of the vote. How do you think the result of this election affects how the world views the U.S.? (Or, if you prefer, how you personally view the U.S., or how the U.S. might view itself?)
Most Europeans support Barack Obama. The weekly newspaper I read does not even try to be objective in its coverage of the election, it has wholeheartedly embraced the Democratic candidate. It's only Sunday, but the husband and me have already talked about when results will be coming in. See from afar, the question associated with this election is whether the States will change or not. Me, I'd like to see change.
Being in Naples, Italy with the husband, eating pizza every day, drinking as much capuccino as we could, savouring street food, being outside - just trying to soak up all the simple, wonderful things about Italian life. Another favourite memory is being by myself on transatlantic flights. I really enjoyed being alone, and noticing that moment when time begins to drift, changing from one time zone and continent to another.
2. What is something you’ve learned from traveling – a lesson that you’ve tried to carry with you in the rest of your life?
Like Andreas: to take less. I once travelled in Mexico with my elder brother, me having already learned this lesson, him more and more annoyed with the weight of his backpack (and with watching me and my small, lightweight backpack) every day. In the end, he left a bunch of clothing behind in a hotel. Maybe some very tall Mexican is still wearing his clothes today.
Another lesson: to prepare. I love it when I have everything with me, down to the miniature bottle of my favourite conditioner, earplugs and a well-stocked MP3 player. It kind of contradicts the first lesson, so I would probably modify it to say that I think about not taking too much, but that I also take as many things as possible to treat myself well (even if three pairs of pants, four rings and four pairs of earrings aren't really necessary for a weekend, it's great to be able to choose).
3. I’ve been doing a bit of reading about work and careers lately, and came across this quote: “Jump, and a net will appear.” What does that say to you, if anything, and does it apply in any way to your own life?
I haven't jumped all that muchcareer-wise, in fact, parts of my career can accurately be described as stumbling. I like to think that I could jump if I had to, and that I would trust that a net would appear. Currently, I don't have to, so it doesn't really apply. I take risks in doing therapy and I try out new things, but that's walking or possibly skipping, not jumping.
4. Here is another quote about work and life choices that I recently discovered: “I must simplify my life, and whittle down what I do to the things that I am absolutely the most passionate about, or else I risk being stuck in mediocrity.” Similarly, what does that say to you, if anything, and does it apply to your own life?
It does say something to me. Like I said, I try to get rid of stuff that's not good for me. I also only work four days a week - a luxury I can afford because my job is well paid, but also something I do to increase the quality of my work. Well, also to increase the amount of time I have to do fun things. I can live with being mediocre for part of the time too, otherwise, life just gets too exhausting for me.
5. The U.S presidential election is on Tuesday. By the time you have to answer this question, we’ll know the outcome of the vote. How do you think the result of this election affects how the world views the U.S.? (Or, if you prefer, how you personally view the U.S., or how the U.S. might view itself?)
Most Europeans support Barack Obama. The weekly newspaper I read does not even try to be objective in its coverage of the election, it has wholeheartedly embraced the Democratic candidate. It's only Sunday, but the husband and me have already talked about when results will be coming in. See from afar, the question associated with this election is whether the States will change or not. Me, I'd like to see change.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
WEEK FOUR: Five Questions on PREJUDICE and STEREOTYPES
WEEK FOUR: Five Questions on PREJUDICE and STEREOTYPES
AUTHOR IN CHARGE OF THIS WEEK: Bianca Regina
Hi everyone, here are my five questions for next week:
1. What are some of the things people who don't know you very well tend to think about you?
2. Which of these assumptions are true?
3. Which stereotypes about your country are true about you, if any?
4. What are situations in which you find yourself to be prejudiced?
5. To you, what value is there in stereotypes?
AUTHOR IN CHARGE OF THIS WEEK: Bianca Regina
Hi everyone, here are my five questions for next week:
1. What are some of the things people who don't know you very well tend to think about you?
2. Which of these assumptions are true?
3. Which stereotypes about your country are true about you, if any?
4. What are situations in which you find yourself to be prejudiced?
5. To you, what value is there in stereotypes?
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
BIANCA REGINA: Funerals
1. Which is the best funeral you ever visited?
2. Which is the worst funeral you ever visited?
In my 34 years, I've only ever been to one funeral that I can remember: my grandmother's. It was so-so. I was sad, and it was good to have a ceremony to say goodbye to her, but they had hired an orator who didn't know her, and it all felt much too anonymous, not like her. I remember my grandfather crying and crying, a man who had always been so controlled. He died half a year later, but I didn't go to his funeral.
3. Did you make any plans for your own funeral?
Yes, I do. I recently read a post about preparing an "in case of..." box on unclutterer.com (a wonderful site for tidy, organized people). That's something I will prepare in the near future: a box that contains everything my relations need to know and do in case I die. I haven't thought about the funeral itself all that much. I'd go with Brett in saying that I would want it to be a celebration of my life, with people telling stories about me. I have thought about what music I would like, and a couple of songs from The Beatles' White Album have come to me:
Blackbird
I Will
Martha My Dear
Honey Pie
Rocky Raccoon
While lycrics-wise, not all of them seem appropriate, I love each and every one of them dearly and think that they convey a sober, yet fun mood.
4. What are your thoughts on burial in the soil versus cremation?
Cremation for sure. After having - if possible - donated organs and body tissue (I carry my donor pass with me all the time). In Germany, you can have an "anonymous burial" which means that you are buried in a grassy area at the back of the cemetary, but without a gravestone. I don't want a burial site as I have learned from several people that while they can be good for having a place to say goodbye, they also cost a lot of money. And really, I would want people to remember me in their own way, in memories and gifts and thoughts, not standing on a cemetary. Alternatively, there is now something called "Ruheforst" where you can be buried in a forest. I would like that, too.
5. And finally: Isn't it just odd that the word funeral starts with fun...? What are your thoughts on the very word? And what is the word for funeral in your language, if your first language isn't English?
Yes, that is odd. I like the word, and I also like the expression "funeral home". There is a wonderful comic by Alison Bechdel called "Fun Home" in which she writes and draws about her childhood. Her father owned a funeral home which her and her brother called fun home. In my language, the words for a funeral are much more sober: there is "Begräbnis" which comes from graben, to dig, meaning that you will be dug into the ground, and there is "Beerdigung", which comes from Erde, the soil, meaning pretty much the same thing. Once again, English has the better expression *sigh*.
2. Which is the worst funeral you ever visited?
In my 34 years, I've only ever been to one funeral that I can remember: my grandmother's. It was so-so. I was sad, and it was good to have a ceremony to say goodbye to her, but they had hired an orator who didn't know her, and it all felt much too anonymous, not like her. I remember my grandfather crying and crying, a man who had always been so controlled. He died half a year later, but I didn't go to his funeral.
3. Did you make any plans for your own funeral?
Yes, I do. I recently read a post about preparing an "in case of..." box on unclutterer.com (a wonderful site for tidy, organized people). That's something I will prepare in the near future: a box that contains everything my relations need to know and do in case I die. I haven't thought about the funeral itself all that much. I'd go with Brett in saying that I would want it to be a celebration of my life, with people telling stories about me. I have thought about what music I would like, and a couple of songs from The Beatles' White Album have come to me:
Blackbird
I Will
Martha My Dear
Honey Pie
Rocky Raccoon
While lycrics-wise, not all of them seem appropriate, I love each and every one of them dearly and think that they convey a sober, yet fun mood.
4. What are your thoughts on burial in the soil versus cremation?
Cremation for sure. After having - if possible - donated organs and body tissue (I carry my donor pass with me all the time). In Germany, you can have an "anonymous burial" which means that you are buried in a grassy area at the back of the cemetary, but without a gravestone. I don't want a burial site as I have learned from several people that while they can be good for having a place to say goodbye, they also cost a lot of money. And really, I would want people to remember me in their own way, in memories and gifts and thoughts, not standing on a cemetary. Alternatively, there is now something called "Ruheforst" where you can be buried in a forest. I would like that, too.
5. And finally: Isn't it just odd that the word funeral starts with fun...? What are your thoughts on the very word? And what is the word for funeral in your language, if your first language isn't English?
Yes, that is odd. I like the word, and I also like the expression "funeral home". There is a wonderful comic by Alison Bechdel called "Fun Home" in which she writes and draws about her childhood. Her father owned a funeral home which her and her brother called fun home. In my language, the words for a funeral are much more sober: there is "Begräbnis" which comes from graben, to dig, meaning that you will be dug into the ground, and there is "Beerdigung", which comes from Erde, the soil, meaning pretty much the same thing. Once again, English has the better expression *sigh*.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
RESPONSIBILITY - Bianca Regina
What is your principle on responsibility. And how does that play out in your life?
I had time to think about this during a boring concert I went to last night and came up with a simple principle: I am responsible for myself, for my actions, my desires, dreams, needs etc. How does this play out in my life? I have come to accept that my influence over what other people do, think and feel is VERY limited. An example - this morning, I told my husband that I would like it if he bought some new t-shirts as his old ones are worn and tent-shaped. I can express this as a wish, but I know that that wish might not be fulfilled because that kind of stuff is not that important to him. Which is fine. So what I'm saying is: he's responsible for how his clothes looks, and I'm responsible for dealing with the fact that he looks less beautiful to me in shabby clothes. Also, as a parent, I am responsible for doing everything so that my daughter can become a responsible adult herself.
Where does the principle of responsibility come from? Does it come from religious beliefs? As an offshoot from philosophical principles like “the golden rule? Does it rise out of fear? Is it a requirement of being human?
In my case, being responsible comes from having been raised by responsible parents, and by my own bad experiences with being irresponsible. I'm an atheist, so there is no religious background to this. It has just turned out to be the best way to live for me. Is it a requirement of being human? No, lots of people act irresponsibly some or all of the time (myself included!). Being human is being fallible is being irresponsible. Being responsible, to me at least, is a requirement for what I would call nice to be around.
What is something you learned from being irresponsible?
That it leads to all kinds of trouble:
What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?
There are lots of examples: people with high blood pressure need to exercise more. People who drive everywhere need to think about the impact that has on the environment. Parents need to think about how it will affect their children if they act irresponsibly. Personally - without going into too many details - I should accept my share of the responsibility I have for my sometimes difficult relationships with other people (my mother, my mother in law) instead of being lazy and just letting things happen. In sum, I think that becoming more responsible for ourselves and the effect our actions have would be a good point to start.
Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world? Is a country responsible for something greater than their country?
No, of course we are not all responsible for each other. How could we be? Like I said, I think that it's difficult enough to be responsible for ourselves. Of course, a government is not an individual: by its nature, it is responsible for many people - that's what is has been elected for: to carry out tasks that an individual can't; the vote delegates responsibility. I would agree with what the questions seems to suggest: that US foreign policy has on several occasions called actions "responsible" that were in fact mostly self-serving.
I had time to think about this during a boring concert I went to last night and came up with a simple principle: I am responsible for myself, for my actions, my desires, dreams, needs etc. How does this play out in my life? I have come to accept that my influence over what other people do, think and feel is VERY limited. An example - this morning, I told my husband that I would like it if he bought some new t-shirts as his old ones are worn and tent-shaped. I can express this as a wish, but I know that that wish might not be fulfilled because that kind of stuff is not that important to him. Which is fine. So what I'm saying is: he's responsible for how his clothes looks, and I'm responsible for dealing with the fact that he looks less beautiful to me in shabby clothes. Also, as a parent, I am responsible for doing everything so that my daughter can become a responsible adult herself.
Where does the principle of responsibility come from? Does it come from religious beliefs? As an offshoot from philosophical principles like “the golden rule? Does it rise out of fear? Is it a requirement of being human?
In my case, being responsible comes from having been raised by responsible parents, and by my own bad experiences with being irresponsible. I'm an atheist, so there is no religious background to this. It has just turned out to be the best way to live for me. Is it a requirement of being human? No, lots of people act irresponsibly some or all of the time (myself included!). Being human is being fallible is being irresponsible. Being responsible, to me at least, is a requirement for what I would call nice to be around.
What is something you learned from being irresponsible?
That it leads to all kinds of trouble:
- pregnancy scare trouble
- hangover trouble
- regret/disappointment trouble
- money trouble
- end of relationship/loss of friendship trouble
What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?
There are lots of examples: people with high blood pressure need to exercise more. People who drive everywhere need to think about the impact that has on the environment. Parents need to think about how it will affect their children if they act irresponsibly. Personally - without going into too many details - I should accept my share of the responsibility I have for my sometimes difficult relationships with other people (my mother, my mother in law) instead of being lazy and just letting things happen. In sum, I think that becoming more responsible for ourselves and the effect our actions have would be a good point to start.
Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world? Is a country responsible for something greater than their country?
No, of course we are not all responsible for each other. How could we be? Like I said, I think that it's difficult enough to be responsible for ourselves. Of course, a government is not an individual: by its nature, it is responsible for many people - that's what is has been elected for: to carry out tasks that an individual can't; the vote delegates responsibility. I would agree with what the questions seems to suggest: that US foreign policy has on several occasions called actions "responsible" that were in fact mostly self-serving.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
ATTACHMENT - Bianca Regina
- I am quite successful at getting rid of attachments that cause me pain and suffering. This includes people who take advantage of me, household appliances that are not in use, clothes that don't fit any more, methods at work that have proven to be problematic. It might seem heartless to put people, clothes and kitchen stuff and working methods into the same sentence, but there is a common motive behind it. I am a very tidy person, and I guess that I try to keep my life tidy, too. It keeps me happy to only "have" (i.e. be attached to) people and things that feel healthy to me. Consequently, I live in an uncluttered household, I choose my clothes carefully, and I have some very close friends. There is a downside as well, of course: I am sometimes perceived as hard and cold. I don't have a big circle of acquaintances or a wide range of fashionable clothes to choose from.
- I am, like I expected, "securely" attached. I don't avoid or fear attachment. Nothing new there.
- Attachment is an important part of doing psychotherapy. And of course, some patients become too attached. And therapists, likewise, get too attached to their patients. I try to stay away from that by always reminding myself that these are adults who make their own choices. I don't tell them what to do. I would never suggest to someone that they leave their wife/job/addiction behind. I can, however, make suggestions, and I can help them figure out what the motives for and the consequences of their actions are. I once worked with a woman for 25 sessions after which she told me that she was now much happier because she had understood why she was staying with her cheating, good-for-nothing husband. Therapy had helped her make a choice that was good for her. Psychotherapy becomes very stressful when a therapist tries to get the patient to do what is right for them. I guess the rule is that when I don't get too attached, the patients don't get too attached, either. So all in all, people getting too attached to me is not a big problem in my life.
- I won't answer that question because to me, the quote is not concise enough to understand what the author means. Personal identity in the world of forms? Please. The author claims on his website that his "clarity of expression has earned him [...] admiration and praise". Sorry, no praise from me, Chuck.
- I had planned on a life with kids with my husband (my daughter is from my previous marriage). After three years of unsuccessfully trying to conceive I went to a therapist and learned to mourn and be sad for the babies that we can't have (I also learned about the benefits of psychotherapy from a patient's perspective). Now, my husband and me have made the choice to adopt from Ethiopia. It feels very good, this life that is waiting for us. Dealing with infertility is about dealing with the life that you have planned. In my case, it was good to let go of that plan. And from what I've seen and read, the question of "Do you really want to do everything that is possible to have your own baby, no matter how high the financial/emotional cost?" is asked much too rarely. My doctor never asked me, but I'm very glad I asked myself, and that the answer was no. I have learned that it is important to acknowledge the pain of letting go of your plan - but that it is also a relief.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
AUTHOR BIO: Bianca Regina
(updated!) BIANCA REGINA not her real name). Germany. Mother. Married this month. Psychotherapist, sees patients 4 days a week, reserving the 5th day for balance and family. Loves to read, has a passion for English (occasionally dabbling in translation work). Gets antsy if she doesn't leave the country at least once every year. Used to have her own blog but - due to the nature of her work - wants to keep her private life private these days. Hence the alias.
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