Friday, October 3, 2008

ATTACHMENT: Ramak Siadatan

(Posted by Rick from email sent to me by Ramak)

1. What Are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?

Sometimes, it is hard to let go of your security blanket. When I was very young, it was literally a blanket...and I eventually tripped on it. A little older, and it was my teddy bear, Charlie. He and I tumbled down the escalator and scared every one of the movie theater patrons within eye/earshot. Older still, and it was that first relationship that should have ended long before it ended. I don't think I get attached to things that are bad for me...sometimes, I think I just stay attached a little too long, and that's when it can hurt. This brings us to right now. What am I still attached to that I shouldn't be? I don't know. And there's a good chance I won't know until it's too late. But when I do find out, it will make for yet another great story in my current life chapter.

2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment? (link:

"Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the secure quadrant. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that secure people tend to have relatively enduring and satisfying relationships. They are comfortable expressing their emotions, and tend not to suffer from depression and other psychological disorders."
Whew. What a relief. =) Ok, not really much of a relief...I think I already knew that. The survey definitely reinforces something I've learned over the last ten years (and remember, I'm not that old, so 10 years is a LOT!). In romantic relationships, the more secure you are with yourself, the easier it is to be with someone and recognize that while you don't want to lose that person, you aren't afraid to lose them.

3. Is someone too attached to you?

I come from a culture of passionate, loving people. It is very hard for me to think someone is "too attached" to me. My wife, for example, is quite capable of taking care of herself...but she, like me, chooses to be attached. And we like it that way. I am thankful for each person in my life that is pushing the boundaries of being too attached. I wouldn't want it any other way. They are wonderful human beings.

4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig

With all due respect to Chuck, that's a little too scientific a response for my taste. Do I agree with him? I'm sure I agree with what I think he's trying to say. For example, perhaps you are suffering in a relationship because you can't tear yourself away from a bad situation. It goes back to that notion of being in love versus being in love with the idea of being in love...or sometimes, more simply, just being too comfortable to want to change your situation. But there is a big difference between a "desire to be free of something" and a *need* to be free of something. Many times in life we need something that we don't want.

5. What Are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?

I suppose I can get rid of the life I planned, because I plan at a very high level. Long ago, I learned that life doesn't work for me if the plan is too detailed. I know I want to enjoy my family, learn from people, teach people, help the ones I love. And as I explore and grow and change, so do my plans. In some respects, I get rid of different parts of my life plan all the time and replace them with new ones. The trick is too be consistent with who I am and what I feel I'm about as life, and the world around me, changes.

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