BOB RIEL: Prejudice and Stereotypes

1. What are some of the things people who don't know you very well tend to think about you?

Well, I just got back from an appointment with a new chiropractor and am currently sitting in a local cafe, where I just had a short conversation about coffee and Halloween with a barista who only recently began working here. Neither of these individuals know me well at all, so what would their impressions be of me? I think for someone who doesn't know me very well, I come across as friendly, down to earth, calm, probably unexcitable. People who know me slightly better probably assume I am relatively organized.

2. Which of these assumptions are true?

All of them, at least to some degree (otherwise people wouldn't get a certain impression, right?). However, with people who know me well, I think I'm more excitable, have more interests and am less organized than I probably show in public.

3. Which stereotypes about your country are true about you, if any?

Americans are generally seen as a friendly people. They are also perceived to be individualists and risk-takers. And, for better or worse, I guess most non-U.S. citizens perceive Americans to be woefully uninformed about or uninterested in the rest of the world. I meet the first stereotype in that I'm a friendly person who is easy to get along with. I'm an intermittent risk-taker (more than some people but less than others, and perhaps less than I should be). I am, though, very interested in the rest of the world.


4. What are situations in which you find yourself to be prejudiced?

Does it make sense to be prejudiced against people who are prejudiced? And does this mean, in fact, that I'm no better than those I'm prejudiced against? Sorry, but I do find myself with a prejudice against those who judge others by their skin color or their education or whatever. And I can't help myself, but I'm prejudiced against the right-wing nutjobs who make up the base of the national Republican party here in the U.S. Not against all Republicans, as there are some very good and reasonable ones out there, but some of these people really need to get a grip on reality.


5. To you, what value is there in stereotypes?

Stereotypes are valuable to the degree that they give us a flavor of the truth. Just as in question one, surface assumptions about an individual have at least some basis in reality but are rarely the entire story. It's the same with stereotypes about a people or culture. They are not completely true, but there are enough nuggets of truth to give us insight into how a people act and think.

ANDREAS EKSTROM: Prejudice and Stereotypes

1-2 What are some of the things people who don't know you very well tend to think about you? Which of these assumptions are true?
I don't drink alcohol, because I don't like the taste of it. It breaks through, in beer, in wine, in liquor and in cocktails. So I don't drink it. (I don't like celery either, but noone has ever put much effort in trying to get me to eat celery...) People tend to think I am a control freak because of that. It's true that I am, to an extent – but it has little or nothing to do with me not liking a particular taste. (How much control do you lose over two glasses of wine to dinner? That is not the issue.) People also think I don't mind conflicts, since I am confident and express myself well. But I do, boy do I ever.

3. Which stereotypes about your country are true about you, if any?
Swedes are dull. I am not. Swedish food is bland. I don't cook bland food. But Swedes are also said to be morally liberal, democratic, non-corrupt, a little envious by nature, tall and fair skinned. Yep, that's me.

4. What are situations in which you find yourself to be prejudiced?
I am generally quick. Quick to analyze, quick to categorize, quick to understand. Sometimes I rush it. I always have to make sure I re-evaluate often. And I try to put very little pride in being right – that does make it easier to change one's mind...

5. To you, what value is there in stereotypes?
A stereotype is often based on a foundational truth – that might not be true all the time, or with all people. I might make use of it in some sort of simplified context, to understand the first little bit of what there is to understand. And that's ok, as long as I am aware of what is what.

WEEK FOUR: Five Questions on PREJUDICE and STEREOTYPES

WEEK FOUR: Five Questions on PREJUDICE and STEREOTYPES

AUTHOR IN CHARGE OF THIS WEEK: Bianca Regina

Hi everyone, here are my five questions for next week:

1. What are some of the things people who don't know you very well tend to think about you?
2. Which of these assumptions are true?
3. Which stereotypes about your country are true about you, if any?
4. What are situations in which you find yourself to be prejudiced?
5. To you, what value is there in stereotypes?

RICK VON FELDT: Funerals

1. Which is the best funeral you ever visited?

I have yet to attend a funeral that I ever thought was good. I don’t like death. I don’t like any part of it. We can pretend it is a celebration. A party. A going away event. But to me – funerals are not about the dead. They are gone. Funerals are for the living. For me, if I love someone, I am going to be sad.

But I have not been to a funeral since 1999. And it was not a natural death.

I love life so much. I would be one of those people that if asked to make three wishes – first on my list would be to live forever. Second would be to be in good mental and physical health during that never ending life. Therefore, a funeral to me means an end – no more – everything that is wonderful is taken away.

Not believing in a fabulous afterlife also stops me from believing it is a celebration of the passing from one world to the other.

2. Which is the worst funeral you ever visited?

All funerals are sad to me. In 1989, one of my best friends died early in an accidental death. He was robbed of the rest of his glorious days. And we were robbed of him. We did our best to celebrate the good things that happened in his life. But I hated it. I felt so sad. It was one of the times that in public, I was doing the “gasping sobbing” – where you my face ached and I could not catch my breath because of the pain. I tried to tell stories about him. But it only reminded me of what I was not going to have going forward.

And worse was watching his wife. It hurt so much.

And no matter how much I tried to convince myself that it was a part of some plan or it was “mean to be” or he was going to be in a “better place” – it didn’t matter. He was gone. I was sad. And Angry.

Fortunately, I have not had a family member die in over twenty years. That will also be heard when it happens one day.

3. Did you make any plans for your own funeral?

No. I am trying to avoid the idea. Perhaps part of it is that belief that if I think about my own death, I might be speeding up the process.

I am not a big public celebration guy. The idea of having all of my friends come together to “celebrate” my life seems crazy. What’s the point? I am dead. But I am reminded again that funerals are not for the dead – they are for the living. I hope to outlive most of my friends and family – and so hopefully – not many will be around to remember who I was or all of my crazy adventures in life.

If I did start to think about my funeral – perhaps I will have to rethink how we actually do this. Perhaps I will create an ONLINE module for everyone to go through when I die. It might be an adventure game to walk through – both to recap my life, but in true Rick style, to also ask questions – and get people to think.

I WOULD RATHER HAVE A ANNUAL FUNERAL. I am always concerned when people die – people go to funerals to “say goodbye” – and then in many ways – almost forget them. I like to look at it differently. I try not to forget them. On their birthdays, I take personal moments to sit down and spend an hour or so thinking about the dead person. I think about their life – my moments with them, what I learned from them and how to keep their memory alive. I would hope that people would do this for me one day.

4. What are your thoughts on burial in the soil versus cremation? Which is better? Which is better for you? (And did you hear about the Swedish method, not yet sanctioned, where the body and the casket is frozen very very cold, and then vibrated into a powder...? Apparently very friendly for the environment.)

I have not decided on my own final outcome yet. Frankly, I am hoping that cryonics will continue to develop as a potential. If so, I will consider this potential.

The central premise of cryonics is that memory, personality, and identity are stored in cellular structures and chemistry, principally in the brain. While this view is widely accepted in medicine, and brain activity is known to stop and later resume under certain conditions, it is not generally accepted that current methods preserve the brain well enough to permit revival in the future. Cryonics advocates point to studies showing that high concentrations of cryoprotectant circulated through the brain before cooling can prevent structural damage from ice, preserving the fine cell structures of the brain in which memory and identity presumably reside.

If I could find a way to come back to life – and have a chance to live another 100 years – I would. And perhaps I will!

But if not - then cremation seems a more economical and practical way of begin buried. (But I will still preserve some DNA - just in case one day - the world wants another me!)

5. And finally: Isn't it just odd that the word funeral starts with fun...? What are your thoughts on the very word? And what is the word for funeral in your language, if your first language isn't English?

I really didn’t have many thoughts about this. If what Jennifer says is true – then I like the “circle of life” theory. I still cry at the opening and closing of The Lion King which celebrates this idea.

SHERRY ZHANG: Funerals

1. Which is the best funeral you ever visited?
2. Which is the worst funeral you ever visited?

In our world, there are indeed formal funerals which the format might be different as westerns or joyous as Balinese… I indeed never visited such formal funerals (I view this as a good thing so far in my life), what I could remember is only the two funerals that I attended for my grandfather and grandmother – they were even not called as funerals. At the age of 7 and 12, I was brought to the hospital, and saw how my father (as a doctor and also as the son-in-law) to make them looked decent… I saw my father got his eyes red and tearing, but I was in a very strange mood – I did not cry, I was not very frightened, but after such “ceremony”, when I walked on the way to school in the chilly winter alone (I remember both happened in winter), I felt a bit “shame” – I am still not able to explain such mood, I guess in a youth’s mind, having someone dead in family is a bad thing that I also felt a bit angry.

So, neither really gave me the feeling of best or worst. The overall feeling is bad. Especially when I saw my grandfather lying there with wax yellow face, looked cold body, I felt regret on what I did during his last days of staying with my parents and kids – he was not a very pleasant old man in his last days – complained everything with bad temper, so we kids sometimes were not happy with him or just naughty to him.

Another funeral I missed but I think would be the worst in my life is my uncle’s funeral in LA. My 2nd younger sister, Liping was in charge of that when she was at University of LA. It was such a sad thing happened so far in our family. By only reading the letter from my sister, my heart was broken. My father kept quite and in deep sadness for almost the whole month… My uncle was raised by my father and died at 42 years old in the US due to liver cancer. He was deemed as the most achieving person in the whole family’s history.

3. Did you make any plans for your own funeral?

I never thought about this till I saw the question. Even now, I have no idea… The least thing I would like to think in my life so far is the day for my parents…no, I have been always avoiding to think about it. I know human has nature reaction when the time is there but that’s the only thing that frightens me to think over. As for me, if I think now, the “traditional Balinese” that was described by Peter sounds not bad. I wish when the day is coming, I feel restful and happiness in my mind and people who are around me are not so sad…

4. What are your thoughts on burial in the soil versus cremation? Which is better? Which is better for you? (And did you hear about the Swedish method, not yet sanctioned, where the body and the casket is frozen very very cold, and then vibrated into a powder...? Apparently very friendly for the environment.)

I refer cremation and bury the dust somewhere to be absorbed by the soil. As for the Swedish method, to get it very very cold may also consume a lot of energy which could be anti-environment…?:)

5. And finally: Isn't it just odd that the word funeral starts with fun...? What are your thoughts on the very word? And what is the word for funeral in your language, if your first language isn't English?

You raised an interesting point that the word of “funeral” starts with “fun…”, that’s what I expect happened in my funeral, as I said, not so much sad but more of restful and happiness for a life with fruitful joy and meaning. In Chinese, the translation of “funeral” means “a forum of mourning” – so it doesn’t mean “fun” and the Chinese funeral music is really sad which would bring your tears out naturally…. I guess that’s why inner side, I would prefer never to attend such funerals in my life.

SHERRY ZHANG: Responsibility

1. What is your principle on RESPONSIBILITY? And how does that play out in your life? (Principle defined as: set of beliefs that guide your actions).

My principle on “RESPONSIBILITY” includes the following believes:
• Everyone is responsible for what he/she is doing and should take the sequence of such actions;
• Everyone is also be responsible for others at a certain level given their roles in professional and personal life

Most of the time, I feel pretty ease when I went to bed every night, knowing that I’ve fulfilled my responsibility on personal and professional life that day. I found this belief and feeling makes me strong to ignore negative comments or misunderstanding from people around me. Just on an one on one meeting I had with one of my subordinates yesterday, she hesitantly told me who said what about me… And I found that I was not bothered by such words now, as I know what and why I did so, and I know that I’m responsible for me and for others on doing so.

In my personal life, “responsible to myself” means to follow my heart but it often splits me when I feel the pressure of following my mind to be responsible for others as well. This made my life a bit challenging but also charming.

It’s the 2nd belief on responsibility often creates guilty in my life, and made me to be on the track to take sequence of what is happening in my life. So, the 2nd belief seems more overwhelming than the 1st one and it made me more as an altruist in others’ eyes that are around me.

2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from? Does it come from religious beliefs? As an offshoot from philosophical principles like “the golden rule? Does it rise out of fear? Is it a requirement of being human?

To me, the principle comes out mainly from the people who plays important role in my life when I grow up. My parents are definitely “altruists” – my father brought up two of his younger sisters and one younger brother at his 15 when both of his parents passed away. And he has been taking such responsibility for the whole of his life, sometimes, too much, which hurts himself. Recently, my aunt, the youngest sister of my father, at her early 50s, complained that it took her years to get money from my parents to support her family to buy an apartment. I view that my father took too much responsibility of being parent to his siblings. My mother actually took similar approach as my father on dealing with her siblings. They both were also selfless in their professional work before retirement. I guess this comes out from Chairman Mao’s education. No doubt, I was deeply impacted by them. Of course, their din exhortations into my ears about my responsibility of being the eldest daughter and the sister of 3 younger sisters also made me take it nature responsibility to take care of others.

I did not find school education played important role to me in this part. But there are also few people in my career impacted me a lot on how I see my responsibility to people who are around me. I once had a good conversation with Rick last summer about a closed friend’s marriage. She believes she has the right to pursue the life she expects even the cost is to leave 3 kids to be apart from parents. The insights that Rick shared on one’s responsibility vs. one’s freedom indeed made me to think through the words of “responsibility”.

The family influence somehow made me easy to be angry with others who are irresponsible and not care… I had an experience that when I was at the grade 2 of high school, I was deeply impressed by the teacher’s effort to help each of my classmates to be good at study, therefore we could pass the examination of university. But I saw many students never cared the effort and just ignore the teacher’s effort. So with angry and urge, I wrote a letter “To All Classmate” and attached the letter on the board of the classroom. I can still feel some of those students’ jeer today; I can hear those people saying “what’s hell of her business!”. But that’s me.

3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible?

I have mixed mood of sympathy and angry to those who are unfortunate due to their irresponsible attitude or actions. Lessons learnt for me was that irresponsible would made you miserable and hateful.

I have one case that happened in my family which I don’t know whom to blame… My cousin delivered a baby 5 years ago. The baby came out earlier than maturity for 2 months. The doctor asked for family’s decision of getting the baby out through Caesarean operation or natural birth. The young couple could not make the decision, so they asked my father to make the decision. My father suggested them to give the baby nature birth. After a few hours waiting, the doctor finally took the baby out via Caesarean operation. The baby was proved as a brain-paralysis patient when he was one year old. He could not walk and act like a normal person till now. The doctor could not explain the root cause of such disease as the baby was borne 2 months early. But my parents have been taking the cross for their life. I feel so bad when I heard the whole story, and I feel so bad when I saw the kid… Should this be a lesson learnt that my father took over the responsibility of the parents and the doctor?

4. What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?

I definitely think the government needs to take more responsibility to instill the sense of responsibility to the whole nations in China. If there is one thing to make the country collapsed someday, I view it as the creditability of this nation. The creditability of the country is based on the responsibility that each of individual person and organization is taking. The noxious baby formula that happened recently made me really angry and worry. In a country where there is no major religious belief, many people are surviving to have better life without considering more about the sequence of quick success and instant benefit, the government take unshirkable responsibility to educate people, set regulations and compliance to monitor the progress therefore to instill the believes of each one’s responsibility.

5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world? Is a country responsible for something greater than their country?

Yes to both questions in my mind. As for individual’s responsibility to others, I view that from the role an individual is playing – as a mother, a son, or a manager, a project leader…, everyone is responsible for others at a certain level via different ways. For the responsibility of a country to another one, I totally agree to many others comments from world peace. I may add a bit more in terms of environment – when one country is consuming more resources of the world, it creates trouble to all countries in the world. From this point of view, one country is definitely responsible for other countries, and for the whole world. In a great harmony world, a world policeman may not be well-accepted by others, but the great harmony is based on each country is responsible for their own and for the benefits of the whole world.

BOB RIEL: Funerals

1. Which is the best funeral you ever visited?

Two funerals, actually. My grandmother's funeral and then my wife's grandfather's. There was nothing extraordinary about either event, as they were both simple affairs. There was sadness, of course, in knowing that the person was gone, but in both cases there was joy in recognizing that we were there to celebrate a life well-lived and long-lived.

2. Which is the worst funeral you ever visited?

My niece's. She was not yet a year old and, although she was born with a dangerous condition, it appeared that she had survived the worst and was well on her way to normal health when tragedy struck. There was something unbelievably dreadful about seeing her tiny, tiny coffin and watching my sister wail in grief. Such a different experience from saying goodbye to a grandparent who lived into old age and died of natural causes.

3. Did you make any plans for your own funeral?

I have not. It still seems too abstract to think about. Though I am reminded of an episode of the U.S. television show "Frasier" in which the lead character worked on writing his own obituary as a self-actualizing exercise to help him think about how he wanted to live the rest of his life. I suppose planning one's own funeral could have much the same affect, in that it would force us to consider how we want our life to be celebrated.

4. What are your thoughts on burial in the soil versus cremation? Which is better? Which is better for you?

Like most of you, I am also an organ donor. And I always thought that cremation made the most sense, if only to save the land and expense of a burial plot. Although for families that have lived in the same geographical area for generations, there is something to be said for having a spot where people can go to memorialize and remember their close relatives.

5. And finally: Isn't it just odd that the word funeral starts with fun...? What are your thoughts on the very word? And what is the word for funeral in your language, if your first language isn't English?

I guess my only comment would be that I, also, want my funeral to be fun in the sense that people can celebrate our relationship and my life.

And Jen, thank you for researching the etymology of the word. It's appropriate that it means to come full circle. That's really the perfect meaning. I also love your comment about babies who are born into families near when another family member dies. That actually happened to us, as our son was born just two weeks after Lisa's grandfather passed away. We were sad that her grandfather never got to meet Brady, but it was actually a topic of conversation at the funeral - the fact that we would soon be welcoming a life into the world, showing that life comes full circle and goes on.

EDUARDO INFANTE: Funerals

1. Which is the best funeral you ever visited?

That’s got to be Jaime’s, my best friend from High School, who died at the age of 24 while riding his bicycle in a rather shocking accident. Not only was Jaime my best friend, but I was very close to his family, too. So, in his funeral, and even in the days prior to his decease, my role was being a pillar for them. For some reason, even though there was sadness, there were also over 200 people showing up at the funeral, all demonstrating how much Jaime had touched them in life.

2. Which is the worst funeral you ever visited?

A high school classmate’s, who died at the age of 15. I didn’t really know the guy. But the whole funeral was impacting since it made me realize that life was not to be taken for granted.

3. Did you make any plans for your own funeral?

No, I have not. But I certainly would like joy to reign over sorrow.

4. What are your thoughts on burial in the soil versus cremation? Which is better? Which is better for you?

Like some of you, I’m also an organ donor. And I’m more for cremation than for burial. I don’t know, I guess it’s a little bit less painful for family and friends.

5. And finally: Isn't it just odd that the word funeral starts with fun...? What are your thoughts on the very word? And what is the word for funeral in your language, if your first language isn't English?

I had never actually stopped to focus on the first few letters of this word. In Spanish, it’s cepelio, and it does not have any special connotation other than a rather painful one.

JENNIFER RABOLD: Funerals

1. Which is the best funeral you ever visited?

I don’t think I’ve ever been to the kind of funeral I’d like for myself, with the exception of the one we just held for our beloved golden retriever, Belle, who died in May of last year at the ripe old age of 15. We scattered her ashes in her favorite places: Cape Cod Bay, our garden, and under the boys’ fort in our back yard, where she loved to stay cool on hot summer days. Then we planted a dogwood tree in our fairy garden, and the boys decorated the site with some favorite rocks. We read some wonderful dog poems and had a good cry. And every year, when the dogwood tree blooms, we smile to think of the spirit of our fairy dog.

2. Which is the worst funeral you ever visited?

Probably my first, the funeral of a classmate of mine in high school, a girl so full of life who died of leukemia. I didn’t know what to think about it, didn’t have anyone to process with, and just cried a lot without understanding why. The last one I attended was for a young wife and mother of two little girls, a beautiful woman who died of breast cancer. It was tragic. I identified too much with her.

3. Did you make any plans for your own funeral?

Not formally, although I’ve got a little mental list of music I’d like played or sung when my ashes are scattered, like Van Morrison’s “Into the Mystic” and “Sing Me To Heaven,” a choral piece by Daniel Gawthrop, and Mozart’s “Ave Verum Corpus,” which is just one of the most beautiful songs ever written. And I want a big party, perhaps at the beach, then at my home, with eating and drinking and dancing. I want my photo albums out so people can take any photos they want for keepsakes, and I want laughing and crying and story telling. I want lots of living at my funeral.

4. What are your thoughts on burial in the soil versus cremation? Which is better? Which is better for you?

I too am registered as an organ donor, which you can do in Massachusetts when you get a driver’s license (speaks to the danger of driving, I suppose). I would like to be cremated and scattered in my garden, so that I can get right to work making the flowers grow, which is what I’d be doing if I were alive. It’s all about the circle of life, as far as I’m concerned. And there’s no sense just lying around when there’s work to do. :-)

My favorite thoughts about death come from Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass, where he asks what the grass is and comes up with some wonderful ideas, like “the beautiful uncut hair of graves.” He wonders about those who have lived and died before him, and concludes,

They are alive and well somewhere,
The smallest sprout shows there is really no death,
And if ever there was it led forward life, and does not wait at the end to arrest it,
And ceas'd the moment life appear'd.

All goes onward and outward, nothing collapses,
And to die is different from what any one supposed, and luckier.
…

I bequeath myself to the dirt to grow from the grass I love,
If you want me again look for me under your boot-soles.

5. And finally: Isn't it just odd that the word funeral starts with fun...? What are your thoughts on the very word? And what is the word for funeral in your language, if your first language isn't English?

I did a little searching on the etymology of the word, which always fascinates me. It seems that “funeral” comes from the Indo-European root dheu, which means “to close, finish, come full circle,” which I think is definitely appropriate. My grandmother died on her birthday, after being sick for some time. I think she did it on purpose. I always find it beautiful when babies are born into families around the time of a family member’s death. My second son, Jacob David, gets his middle name from my husband’s cousin, who baptized my first son, Jackson, but died shortly before Jacob was born. There is really no death…

PETER WARING - Funerals

1. Which is the best funeral you ever visited?

Two weeks ago I was a bystander to a traditional Balinese funeral which is by far the best and most joyous celebration of life at a funeral I’ve witnessed. Much of Bali is Hindu and they believe that the spirit is released through ritual cremation. The body is placed into a cremation tower which is then paraded down the middle of the village on the shoulders of men. The women dress colourfully and carry white umbrellas – there are drums and singing, music and movement. See
http://www.baliblog.com/travel-tips/balinese-funeral-procession-in-kerobokan-bali.html

for photos and more information on Balinese funerals.

2. Which is the worst funeral you ever visited?

Easily my wife’s cousin’s funeral who died tragically in his early twenties. Lives cut short, children dying before parents – these are the worst and most difficult to process.


3. Did you make any plans for your own funeral?

What a happy thought! No but I certainly should given earlier remarks on the importance of responsibility. I need to get my Will in shape though like Bianca, I have given some thought to music – perhaps some Jeff Buckley and Queens ‘Who wants to live forever?’...

Who dares to love forever?
When love must die
But touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips
And we can have forever
And we can love forever
Forever is our today
Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever? Forever is our today

4. What are your thoughts on burial in the soil versus cremation? Which is better? Which is better for you?

Cremation is for me I think after all that is useful to others has been removed. Like Bianca I am a declared donor and what remains might be scattered off the coast where I was born or across some mountains in Tasmania where I have walked.

5. And finally: Isn't it just odd that the word funeral starts with fun...? What are your thoughts on the very word? And what is the word for funeral in your language, if your first language isn't English?

Yes but the etymology of the word doesn’t suggest that ‘fun’ is the origin. Nonetheless, I agree with Brett that a joyous celebration of life with a few jokes is probably the way I’d like to be seen out. Ideally, I would have Larry David (from Curb Your Enthusiasm and Seinfeld fame) give the eulogy.

BIANCA REGINA: Funerals

1. Which is the best funeral you ever visited?
2. Which is the worst funeral you ever visited?

In my 34 years, I've only ever been to one funeral that I can remember: my grandmother's. It was so-so. I was sad, and it was good to have a ceremony to say goodbye to her, but they had hired an orator who didn't know her, and it all felt much too anonymous, not like her. I remember my grandfather crying and crying, a man who had always been so controlled. He died half a year later, but I didn't go to his funeral.

3. Did you make any plans for your own funeral?

Yes, I do. I recently read a post about preparing an "in case of..." box on unclutterer.com (a wonderful site for tidy, organized people). That's something I will prepare in the near future: a box that contains everything my relations need to know and do in case I die. I haven't thought about the funeral itself all that much. I'd go with Brett in saying that I would want it to be a celebration of my life, with people telling stories about me. I have thought about what music I would like, and a couple of songs from The Beatles' White Album have come to me:

Blackbird
I Will
Martha My Dear
Honey Pie
Rocky Raccoon

While lycrics-wise, not all of them seem appropriate, I love each and every one of them dearly and think that they convey a sober, yet fun mood.

4. What are your thoughts on burial in the soil versus cremation?

Cremation for sure. After having - if possible - donated organs and body tissue (I carry my donor pass with me all the time). In Germany, you can have an "anonymous burial" which means that you are buried in a grassy area at the back of the cemetary, but without a gravestone. I don't want a burial site as I have learned from several people that while they can be good for having a place to say goodbye, they also cost a lot of money. And really, I would want people to remember me in their own way, in memories and gifts and thoughts, not standing on a cemetary. Alternatively, there is now something called "Ruheforst" where you can be buried in a forest. I would like that, too.

5. And finally: Isn't it just odd that the word funeral starts with fun...? What are your thoughts on the very word? And what is the word for funeral in your language, if your first language isn't English?

Yes, that is odd. I like the word, and I also like the expression "funeral home". There is a wonderful comic by Alison Bechdel called "Fun Home" in which she writes and draws about her childhood. Her father owned a funeral home which her and her brother called fun home. In my language, the words for a funeral are much more sober: there is "Begräbnis" which comes from graben, to dig, meaning that you will be dug into the ground, and there is "Beerdigung", which comes from Erde, the soil, meaning pretty much the same thing. Once again, English has the better expression *sigh*.

FUNERALS - Brett Battles

1. Which is the best funeral you ever visited?

At forty-six, you’d think I would have attended several funerals by now. But in actuality I think I’ve only attended two. One when I was probably only twelve or thirteen for a kid who was younger than I, and one five years ago for a friend and mentor who was only seven or so years older than I.

I would have to say the second was the best. It was more of a wake really. Happened at a home of a friend of my dead friend. Probably nearly two hundred people showed up. We stood around telling stories and laughing and remembering. That was good for all of us.

2. Which is the worst funeral you ever visited?

I would have to have been that first one I attended. The boy, Donnie, had died of leukemia at a far too young age. It was the first funeral I had ever attended. It was also open casket. My parents went with me, and said that I didn’t have to walk up and look in the casket if I didn’t want to. I actually don’t remember now if I did or not. But I do remember seeing his face sticking above the edge of the casket…now that I think about it, it was possible the casket was tilted toward the audience a bit.

I was on edge for weeks after that. In fact it still makes me sad when I think about it.

3. Did you make any plans for your own funeral?

Not yet. I’m planning on living forever. That’s possible, right?

4. What are your thoughts on burial in the soil versus cremation? Which is better? Which is better for you? (And did you hear about the Swedish method, not yet sanctioned, where the body and the casket is frozen very very cold, and then vibrated into a powder...? Apparently very friendly for the environment.)

Haven’t heard about that Swedish method. Sounds…jarring. Of course I guess you’re dead so it’s not as big a deal. I honestly don’t know between burial or cremation, which would be better for me. Sometimes I’ve thought it would be nice to have my ashes scattered across an area that I love…say the mountains or something like that.

5. And finally: Isn't it just odd that the word funeral starts with fun...? What are your thoughts on the very word? And what is the word for funeral in your language, if your first language isn't English?

Don’t know if it’s odd or not, but it certainly is ironic. Still, and this is kind of reaching back to a question or two before, I’d want my funeral to be fun. I’d want old friends telling funny stories about me. I’d want upbeat music. I’d want laughter. Okay, so maybe I have thought about my funeral a little bit.

RESPONSIBILITY - Brett Battles

1. What is your principle on RESPONSIBILITY. And how does that play out in your life? (principle defined as: set of beliefs that guide your actions).

I’m a big believer in personal responsibility, though, conversely, I don’t expect everyone to live up to that. Here’s what I mean. If I promise something to someone one, even if it’s a little thing or one of those apparent empty promises people sometimes tell others, I make it a point to keep my promise even if it means compromising other parts of my life. I don’t do this 100%, of course. But it is important to me to fulfill on something someone else might be counting on. Now when others promise things to me, I will immediately take them at their word, and expect the promise will be kept. Sometimes there are not. When that happens, I usually just say to myself, “that’s fine. It’s no big deal.” And I move on. I do believe, though, if more people took personal responsibility more seriously (and this goes beyond just keeping promises, but also doing the right thing), it would make this world a better place.


2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from? Does it come from religious beliefs? As an offshoot from philosophical principles like “the golden rule? Does it rise out of fear? Is it a requirement of being human?

It is certainly not from religious beliefs for me. Though, I think was very affected by the notion of doing unto others as I would have them do unto me. In fact, I’d say that that is my baseline test. I’m not sure how that worked its way into my brain. As I hinted at, I did not grow up religious at all. My father (now retired) was a scientist, so that was our base. Still, my parents were always fair minded, and I believe they must have imparted some of that fair mindedness to me over the years. Sometimes, though, I think I’ve taken it to an extreme.

3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible

Being irresponsible can hurt others. And there is nothing I hate more than hurting others.

4. What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?

Okay…big picture here…I think we ALL need to take a role in reaching out to others who are not like us (ethnically, racially, religiously, etc.) to help each of us to understand the others not in hate, but in respect. We are responsible to live on this planet together in harmony rather than hatred. Wow…that’s kind of new agey…but it’s what I believe.

5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world? Is a country responsible for something greater than their country? America is often criticized for being more responsible than others in the world believe they should be. Is that responsibility or something else? On the other hand, The United Nations estimates that the conflict in Darfur has left as many as 500,000 dead from violence and disease. The United States Holocaust Memorial Museum estimates that 100,000 have died each year because of government attacks. Most non-governmental organizations use 200,000 to more than 400,000. How do you decide what you are responsible for?

This isn’t one question…I count 4….A) yes. B) yes. C) Something else I think. If the US was acting responsibly, we would have done something to stop the blood shed in Darfur, among other things. D) As a world we are responsible for them all. Sometimes, most times if possible, we need to share the burden. But we can’t just sit around and let those things happen again and again. People are more important than oil, or other resources.

WEEK THREE: Five questions on FUNERALS

AUTHOR IN CHARGE OF THIS WEEK: Andreas Ekström

I just attended a wonderful funeral. Does that sentence sound weird? We buried my grandfather, who had just turned 96. He led a full life, and left a big family in harmony behind as he now passed away. I am not a religious man. I don't think grandpa is around anymore, not in any way. But he is in us! I was a pallbearer at the funeral, and was one of the six who actually put the casket down in the grave. And old farmer, returning to the soil from which he harvested a life. I will remember it forever.

1. Which is the best funeral you ever visited?

2. Which is the worst funeral you ever visited?

3. Did you make any plans for your own funeral?

4. What are your thoughts on burial in the soil versus cremation? Which is better? Which is better for you? (And did you hear about the Swedish method, not yet sanctioned, where the body and the casket is frozen very very cold, and then vibrated into a powder...? Apparently very friendly for the environment.)

5. And finally: Isn't it just odd that the word funeral starts with fun...? What are your thoughts on the very word? And what is the word for funeral in your language, if your first language isn't English?

RESPONSIBILITY - Bianca Regina

What is your principle on responsibility. And how does that play out in your life?

I had time to think about this during a boring concert I went to last night and came up with a simple principle: I am responsible for myself, for my actions, my desires, dreams, needs etc. How does this play out in my life? I have come to accept that my influence over what other people do, think and feel is VERY limited. An example - this morning, I told my husband that I would like it if he bought some new t-shirts as his old ones are worn and tent-shaped. I can express this as a wish, but I know that that wish might not be fulfilled because that kind of stuff is not that important to him. Which is fine. So what I'm saying is: he's responsible for how his clothes looks, and I'm responsible for dealing with the fact that he looks less beautiful to me in shabby clothes. Also, as a parent, I am responsible for doing everything so that my daughter can become a responsible adult herself.

Where does the principle of responsibility come from? Does it come from religious beliefs? As an offshoot from philosophical principles like “the golden rule? Does it rise out of fear? Is it a requirement of being human?

In my case, being responsible comes from having been raised by responsible parents, and by my own bad experiences with being irresponsible. I'm an atheist, so there is no religious background to this. It has just turned out to be the best way to live for me. Is it a requirement of being human? No, lots of people act irresponsibly some or all of the time (myself included!). Being human is being fallible is being irresponsible. Being responsible, to me at least, is a requirement for what I would call nice to be around.

What is something you learned from being irresponsible?

That it leads to all kinds of trouble:

• pregnancy scare trouble
• hangover trouble
• regret/disappointment trouble
• money trouble
• end of relationship/loss of friendship trouble

That this is not the kind of trouble I like to be around any more. Mostly, I succeed.

What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?

There are lots of examples: people with high blood pressure need to exercise more. People who drive everywhere need to think about the impact that has on the environment. Parents need to think about how it will affect their children if they act irresponsibly. Personally - without going into too many details - I should accept my share of the responsibility I have for my sometimes difficult relationships with other people (my mother, my mother in law) instead of being lazy and just letting things happen. In sum, I think that becoming more responsible for ourselves and the effect our actions have would be a good point to start.

Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world? Is a country responsible for something greater than their country?

No, of course we are not all responsible for each other. How could we be? Like I said, I think that it's difficult enough to be responsible for ourselves. Of course, a government is not an individual: by its nature, it is responsible for many people - that's what is has been elected for: to carry out tasks that an individual can't; the vote delegates responsibility. I would agree with what the questions seems to suggest: that US foreign policy has on several occasions called actions "responsible" that were in fact mostly self-serving.

RESPONSIBILITY - Jennifer Rabold

1. What is your principle on RESPONSIBILITY. And how does that play out in your life? (principle defined as: set of beliefs that guide your actions).

I don’t generally go around quoting Bible verses, but JFK made one very famous which captures the principle of responsibility for me. It’s from Luke 12:48, and it reads, “To whom much is given, much is required.” I’m not wealthy by anyone’s standards, but I have been very blessed in my lifetime. I was born to two parents from stable, loving families, parents who loved each other and loved their children and raised us with values that have brought me and my sisters success and happiness. My parents were well-educated, and they passed that education down to us – truly one of the greatest gifts. And yet the advantages I enjoy are simply an accident of my birth. I do not deserve them, any more than children born into poverty or war or simply lack of love deserve their fate. And even though inheritance is not destiny, and people do manage to rise out of terrible situations, I know that we have to play the cards we are given, and sometimes those cards just really suck. Thus, I believe we have a responsibility to help others who are not as fortunate as we are, to the best of our ability. This is perhaps one of the most important life lessons I wish to teach my children.
2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from? Does it come from religious beliefs? As an offshoot from philosophical principles like “the golden rule? Does it rise out of fear? Is it a requirement of being human?

I believe I learned responsibility from my parents. My father worked very hard all his life, and I started working at age 12, when I woke at 5:30 every morning to deliver newspapers. My parents have always tried very hard to live within their means, even when that meant selling their first home and renting a house because they couldn’t afford the mortgage anymore when the company my father worked for went bankrupt. My father has always been fiercely self-reliant and quite critical of social programs and political philosophies that require us to take care of others (he’s appalled that his daughter leans toward Socialism). And yet, in his private life, he has been taken care of and has taken care of others. In those dark days after the company went bankrupt, people who knew our situation dropped bags of groceries on our front porch, completely anonymously. And even as they were selling their home, my parents anonymously sent $100 to a family they knew was even worse off, so that they could buy Christmas presents for their children. Their impulse toward generosity and responsibility lives in me, but I suppose I’m a bit more cynical about people. I don’t believe that many people live like my parents and take care of each other voluntarily. I believe it must be the responsibility of the community and, on a larger scale, of the country and even the world. We must take care of all the children of the world as if they were our own, and we must take care of the weak, the infirm, the elderly, and those who cannot care for themselves… to the best of our ability. That’s when the hard choices happen. We cannot give so much of our money away that our own children starve. We must be responsible for ourselves. But we can always do more for others. And we need leaders who will ask it of us.
3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible?

I think anyone who is honest will have to admit to being irresponsible about something at one time or another (thank you to Peter for admitting it). I will admit to my share of irresponsible acts, but I believe those moments of irresponsibility have made me more tolerant of others’ weaknesses, less judgmental of others’ bad judgment. Because I realize that I have experienced nothing less than pure luck at several moments in my life when, if things had been different, I could have ended up dead, injured, or infected with some nasty disease. So I have more compassion for people who have not been as lucky, on whom the consequences of their poor choices have fallen hard.
4. What is an example in the world today in which you or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?

I saw an advertisement in the subway in Boston encouraging people to use the equity in their homes to add an addition to the home, buy a boat, pay for college, buy a big screen TV, or take a vacation. I was sorely tempted to inscribe some fiscally responsible graffiti, something like “This is the problem with our country!” or “Don’t do it!” I was responsible and refrained.

An acquaintance on Cape Cod sent me this well-written and reflective pledge to be more fiscally responsible in her own home. We've been having the same conversation in our house. I think it starts at home...

Dear friends,

I don't completely understand the bailout and how it's supposed to help this heinous situation. I do understand that like most Americans our government has blown the surplus of funds we had, lived on credit for too long and allowed Wall St. to back some really bad mortgages with little or no regulation. I understand that corporations and financial institutions reward (with outrageous amounts of money) those executives who grow their profit margins, no matter how that money is earned. I understand golden parachutes and how very wrong it is to provide such silken rewards for these bloodsuckers when they've produced such a horror show within our current economy. I know that at least one of the economic strategists has called the bailout a crap sandwich. We are all on tenterhooks waiting for wiser minds to fix this debacle and have no control over the outcome. For the most part we don't know how to fix it - just how we DON'T want to fix it. It's a dire time for all of us and I hope sincerely that Washington can resolve this in the right way.

I also understand that here at my house finances are not in order; our mortgage is too high, our credit card debt is too high and for most of our lives have had inadequate savings to shore us up in the bad times. In seeking the good life we have put ourselves in a situation that is somewhat irresponsible as we have left ourselves cash-strapped like our government.

I also understand that banks have been allowed to write some bad deals for people desperate to buy a home, often beyond their means, with teaser intro rates. I know that in spite of risky credit ratings there is always SOME bank that would give you a mortgage. I know that the mortgage backing industry with the free rein granted by Washington has done a terrible job of policing those banks who allow people to hang themselves with these seductive loans.

I believe in the concept of home ownership; for 98% of us it will be the biggest investment of our lives and will reap the greatest reward. After all, it gives us a place to live and raise our families and hopefully over time will grow in value earning us some nice equity. But I know now that we should not be allowed to borrow that equity to add on a sun room, finance the kids' college tuition or invest in a vacation home. That equity is just a figure on paper - not real money - until you sell the house and the cash is in your hand. There was about 200K in 'equity' on my home at one point; that figure has dwindled to zero in the last year or two. It will go up again eventually if I live that long and can keep up the payments. Perhaps a better way to look at that growth in value is as a way to supplement your retirement and only if you're willing to sell the house, buy smaller, cheaper housing for cash and bank or invest the rest for the future. As for tuition, if we were a nation of savers we might have what we need to help the kids when the time comes. And that sun room or second home ... again those things should come from saved funds.

I realize how idealistic this is but perhaps that's what is needed here - ideals. If we as citizens would exercise enough control to delay the gratification of a big screen television until we can afford to pay for it instead of flashing a card on impulse one Saturday when we've decided the 'old' TV doesn't have quite the features we desire it would set an example to our government to spend only what is affordable for those things we want or need for our country. Maybe if we saved consistently and with vigor it would inspire our leaders to work toward having a surplus of funds in America once again.

I believe that my effort, although miniscule by itself, will help this country get back on track. Therefore I am now taking a vow along with my hubby that we will save more by modestly increasing the small deductions now going from checking to savings each month. We will pay down debt more vigorously even if we can't go out to eat or replace our aging cars. We'll shop more judiciously and stretch our food dollars with more 'from scratch' cooking. It's healthier anyway. We'll think twice before wasting gas to drive where we can walk and will combine errands when possible - perhaps use the bus now and again. The thermostats are at 65 degrees tops and at 60 while we sleep. We have fuzzy slippers and thick sweatshirts and will certainly not freeze! We'll follow all the energy saving tips offered us by the utility companies. And we will never borrow against the equity in this house again should regrowth occur.

I would like to reach people who agree to take the same pledge - all or in part. I know from talking with many of you that you're already doing a lot of these things to conserve. But let's start our own grassroots movement of revival to this sick economy and to our own financial health. Ignore the nay-sayers and economics majors who think it doesn't matter what John Q does. I've heard enough negativity and fear-mongering rages and you have, too. If you would, please send this to your friends and family members. If you want to influence one of your lawmakers, feel free to include them on your list!

5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world? Is a country responsible for something greater than their country?

See my answer to number 3 above.

RESPONSIBILITY - Eduardo Infante

1. What is your principle on RESPONSIBILITY. And how does that play out in your life?
My principal responsibility, as I see it, is to take advantage of the gifts/talents that God/life has granted me.

Therefore, my principle on responsibility is that it (responsibility) plays an important role in my life as I usually question whether my actions can impact my environment, the things surrounding me. Usually, the answer to that question is “yes”, and so I engage into more duties and tasks than what a person living in his comfort zone may think is good for one’s mental/moral/legal health.


2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from?
In my case, it comes from a mixture of both, my religious beliefs and my personal outlook to life. I’m one who believes in justice and fairness, thus, I tend to believe that a person with more privileges is a person with more responsibilities, too. I live in a country where less than 2% of the total population has the chance to study in a private university, undertake a undergrad degree, and a later postgraduate (masters) degree, like I did. Hence, it’s only natural for me to believe that I have way more responsibilities to my country than the person next door. Is this a requirement? Not at all. It does not come by fear, either. It’s basically a condition under which I fully acknowledge that I must not play a passive role. Teaching has been a way to do something in favor of my community, for I see it as a safe way to promote change in a somehow non-hostile environment.


3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible?
I’ve learned that you cannot ever be either fully responsible or fully irresponsible. There is always going to be a good combination of the two. In those moments in which I’ve let myself be carried away with irresponsibility, I’ve learned that I’m fonder of the responsible side. For some reason, I enjoy more being accountable than not.

4. What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you, needs to take more responsibility?
If I take it to my daily life, I could find plenty examples in which universities, and in general, the whole education system, needs to stress, a bit more eagerly, certain principles in the young adults we are pretending to shape. Precisely today, I talked about an example with my employer in which we let a group of students get away with their acts, without showing them the consequences of their bad performance. To be honest, not only was I mad and angry with the President of my campus, because it was his decision that these students got what they wanted. But I was also sad and frustrated, because what we are teaching them, in the end, is not the correct lesson. If they are about to graduate, and they still believe that life will always grant you a second chance, we as a school are being irresponsible.


5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world?
Yes, even though is much easier to pretend that we are not. I mean, look at the way a human society was originally conceived, people lived in tribes, and everyone took care of each other. I know we don’t live in tribes but in a global village, nowadays. But I also know that it’s easier to mind our own business than to try to help/change/re-shape what’s going on around. And the line between doing that, merely for altruist purposes, and getting into someone else’s nose is just too thin. So it’s a lot more comfortable for a big percentage of the world’s population simply not to do anything to change the world.

RESPONSIBILITY: Ramak Siadatan

1. What is your principle on RESPONSIBILITY. And how does that play out in your life? (principle defined as: set of beliefs that guide your actions).

I know Rick provided a definition of the word responsibility, but still don't really know what it means. To me, the use of this word is an example of how society overuses and misuses a word until many people are just left confused. (Take for example how many times I said "word" in the last two sentences...overused, right? Who wants to listen to a guy who can't be creative enough to use the full breadth of the English language even though he grew up in an English speaking country!) Apparently, I digress...

Here's what "thefreedictionary.com" has to say about "responsible":

1. Liable to be required to give account, as of one's actions or of the discharge of a duty or trust.
2. Involving personal accountability or ability to act without guidance or superior authority: a responsible position within the firm.
3. Being a source or cause.
4. Able to make moral or rational decisions on one's own and therefore answerable for one's behavior.
5. Able to be trusted or depended upon; reliable.
6. Based on or characterized by good judgment or sound thinking: responsible journalism.
7. Having the means to pay debts or fulfill obligations.
8. Required to render account; answerable: The cabinet is responsible to the parliament.

Really? We use this word to describe morality, reliability, skewed opinions on "good judgement", following through on legal obligations....it's all just too much.

My track coach in high school was the first person to tell me that the world is based on people's perceptions. So who's perception of responsibility is the one we go with? My interpretation of Rick's response is that sometimes you can only go with the experiences that directly shaped your own life and the perceptions you have based on the beliefs and actions of those around you.

Growing up, I understood responsibility to be something you were told you had to do. My parents told me I was responsible for studying hard and doing my best. They told me I was responsible for keeping my room clean, being respectful of others, speaking up when something was wrong, doing "the right thing." I felt obligated to do these things. After all, they were my parents and they new best.

Somewhere along the way, I started believing in those things I was responsible for. I embraced them. I'm not really sure how it happened, it just did. And in turn, over time, it translated into a few basic tenets that guide my life.... treat people with respect, try to look at the world through the eyes of the people you interact with, enjoy your life and family and friends, work hard at something you find passion in... these are all responsibilities I assign myself. Sooner or later, you become your own person and find the strength from within to hold yourself accountable via self discipline, alignment to a group/religious affiliation to help guide you or develop a moral compass through your interactions with people you respect and admire.



2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from? Does it come from religious beliefs? As an offshoot from philosophical principles like “the golden rule? Does it rise out of fear? Is it a requirement of being human?

Nature...then nurture...then nature again. It's within you, then it's shaped and guided by the philosophies of those people most influential in your life, then it's back to your instincts and feelings as an adult. I'll be honest, my principle of responsibility came not only from my parents, religious beliefs and the golden rule....it also came from what I saw on television, music I've heard on the radio and dreams I have when sleeping. Every human being feels responsible to at least one thing.

3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible

That throwing your pet bird into the air doesn't mean the bird knows to come back...

4. What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?

Anyone not doing their job. You're a senator...do your job. Don't tell me how you're going to fix the economy...it was your job to make sure we had a good budget in the first place. How can I trust you will do a good job in the White House when you didn't do exactly the things you're complaining about as a member of the group capable of doing those very things.

If it's your job to deliver a good...and that good is not delivered, take accountability. Do your job. Don't blame someone else. Rick said it best, say what you're going to do and then do what you said. Don't do it half baked, don't pretend like you did it in the hopes no one will notice...just DO YOUR JOB. (And don't think for a second I'm excluding myself from this rant!) ;-)

5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world? Is a country responsible for something greater than their country?

Honestly (and quite sadly), I don't think Darfur is anything more to the people of the American government than just another staging ground for a debate. I know behind our government are real people with real feelings, but those feelings are not what drives the behavior ofthe United States government. And for that matter, I feel that way about many/most governments around the world.

For every reason explained to us about the presence in the Middle East, we know there are countless others not explained to us. Ultimately, I just don't want to be lied to. If you're going somewhere to establish a presence for another reason, then just say that. "Hey, there's a group of people out there that are important to us for financial, political and military reasons. We're going to hang around their neighbors to make sure the best interest of OUR country is preserved." That, to me, is being honest. If you want to help the rest of the world, you should feel a responsibility to take care of yourself and your people, protect your countries interests abroad where it's threatened, and be neighborly by giving what you can when asked.

Yes, everyone in the world is responsible to everyone else in the world. We are responsible for taking care of our own people, and being good neighbors where possible. Beyond that, if you are going to get involved in other people's business, you better be pretty darn sure that there is a general consensus from the rest of the world that you are doing the right thing.

RESPONSIBILITY: Rick Von Feldt

1. What is your principle on RESPONSIBILITY. And how does that play out in your life? (principle defined as: set of beliefs that guide your actions).

I am responding to these questions overlooking a rolling hill in Kansas. I am back “home” for a couple of weeks of non-rushed family connecting. When I fly from San Francisco to Kansas – I have to do it in two flights. The first if over deserts, salt lakes and majestic mountains on the way to Denver. But the one hour flight from Denver to Kansas City is the flight that always reminds me of my roots. The flight this trip as we flew at 36,000 miles above clear skies reminded me of these questions.

Below me – flat planes of geometrically shaped fields are the homes of my people. It is where both of my farming parents we born, raised and rooted in their own values of what is right and wrong.

Each small section of land – with one lonely farmhouse reminded me of a small german farming family that farmed because that is what they do. They keep their head down, get their work done. They stay out of the way of others. They are seldom loud – save for the one or twice a year they get carried away at the wedding of a child, niece or nephew.

Each time I fly over those circles and square of land, with grains and oil producing plants, I wonder how in the world I ever was born out of those field – and still become the person I am today. Yet, even at 35,000 feet in the air, I can feel the quietness of the land – of the people and of the expectations. My soul knows where it comes from. And while I may go out and travel the world – those very lands and people influenced my principles on responsibility.

When I ask myself what I think some of my “non negotiable principles” on responsibility – the following statements come to mind – in no particular order.

- Say what you are going to do – and then do what you say. That is your honor.
- Be responsible for yourself. We didn’t hear mantra’s about going out and being responsible for others.
- Give when asked. But do so quietly and without fanfare.
- Help other people help themselves. But there are expectations with that help.

This is a very “heads down Russian-German” way of thinking here in Kansas. In a recent conversation with my mother, we both concluded that she – and therefore us, were never taught about philanthropy. Both of my parents were poor enough that they should have been the ones to receive. But they didn’t ask. They took care of themselves – raising what they needed to make ends meet by farming, gardening, butchering and bartering. And so – since my mother was not raised to go out and volunteer – but instead to work and take care of yourselves – we were also not raised to be volunteers for the sake of being responsible for others.

If we did give, I think that we also knew that it was conditional giving. Whether because we were trying to avoid guilt, earn our way to heaven or we expected that someday, we might need that very same help ourselves, we did it knowing we could expect something in return. But we didn’t ask it. Or talk about it.

2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from? Does it come from religious beliefs? As an offshoot from philosophical principles like “the golden rule? Does it rise out of fear? Is it a requirement of being human?

I believe that much of our need or expectation for responsibility comes from two lines of thinking. The first comes as an avoidance to bad things that happen to us if we don’t – as taught by churches. The second comes from our believe in the golden rule – and a sense of wanting to belong to a mankind that does for others – hoping they will receive the same in return if needed.

Personally – I think I can narrow now my sense of responsibilities from several sources.

1. Learning the “action – consequence – reward” sequence of working at my dad’s gas station from age 12.
2. Being held accountable as the oldest brother of 3 – often whether I liked it or not.
3. Avoidance to guilt and fear from the Catholic church – ranging from collection envelopes to being an alter boy to knowing that I had to tell god about all of my bad things – that there were would be a response – and so it might just be easier to avoid those irresponsible things from the beginning.
4. Learning about extra credit in junior high school – and what happens if you excelled in school – and the benefits it would bring. But likewise, also learning how awful it felt when you weren’t responsible.
5. My parents schemes on “action – reward” growing up – ranging from paying us weekly amounts for the completion of chores – and set amounts of money for achieving certain grade levels every quarter growing up (until the amounts they were offering were far below what we earned in actual jobs).
6. Cub scouts and boy scouts – both from the responsibility oriented nature of getting merit badges – but also from the consequence of when the group failed.

Growing up – I was introduced to the solemn tasks of responsibility by several key actions. The church taught it to me by being an alter boy. I learned it by the “action/consequence” action of school work – and what happened when you did extra credit. Somewhere, I owe a 7th grade teacher a great deal of credit for introducing the idea that if you not only did the work you were supposed to do – but you did more – you could actually achieve scores BEYOND perfect.

I also learned responsibility by working at the gas station at age 12. I quickly learned that if I wanted the things in life that I wanted – I had to ask what needed to be done – wake up – work and be responsible. That earned me $5 a day. Of course, on those cold weekend days, when my father woke me at 6:00 am – I didn’t have much choice but to be responsible. The real question came later at 16 when I had a car – and then had to make my own choices. If I got up on my own – and drove to work – I would be responsible. That would lead to money. And I could keep earning.

I also remember in grade school that the Catholic church handed all the kids small boxes of envelopes at the beginning of each calendar year. Each small box contained 52 envelopes, and our teachers began using not so subtle methods of telling us that each week that we had to put at least a quarter in to the envelope and place it in the collection basket. No doubt, they were preparing their future contributors for larger more adult donations one day. And this was the way the catholic church taught young minds the habit of contribution. It wasn’t lost on me that each of those little envelopes had our own personal number stamped on those envelopes. I often wondered if there was a small elderly nun whose job each week was to take those envelopes, open them, take our our quarter, and then go to her ledger and mark a check by our number with our name. If we didn’t make a contribution for the week, I wondered if she would one day walk in to our religion class after mass, call out a number, and in front of everyone, say, “Ricky – we haven’t been receiving your quarter for several weeks. We hope that you have been doing anything that might make you go to hell – or put sins in your record that may have you saying Hail Mary’s for an hour throughout the week.”

But this was more about my German-Russian immigrant history. And from what my father taught us as kids.

I love my father today. I didn’t always use those words around him growing up. I resented his strong sense of work ethic – and the distraction that this supposed responsibility caused on his other non-working role as a father.

But I could never argue with the key thing he brought to my head – in addition to those often forgot items like a roof over my head – was hard work and responsibility. He got up at 6am – went to work at his gas station – and came home in the evening. He seldom complained. He seldom said anything. But we learned from his this key element of life.


3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible

Sometimes, I wish I could be less responsible. I wish I could not think about all of the things I should be doing for myself and others. I sometimes wish I didn’t come up with a hundred ideas a day – and then wonder what my responsibility was for getting them done, since indeed, I had been given the gift of that idea.

I always thought that my work for four years in Up With People was one of the most difficult responsibilities. This life in a fish bowl – around 125 students who watched every move – and would criticize you and eventually disrespect you for one slip up of irresponsibility was a tough gig.

One thing I learned however, was that it was not as much about the act of not being responsible that was important. Rather – it was whether it caused an negative action on the lives of others. If it doesn’t hurt others – or if for example, others don’t even know that you are being irresponsible – does it even matter? Can you block our judeo Christian principles – and say, “what the hell – no one will know!” This lead me to evolve one of my principles around responsibility – or at least amend it to think that “Be responsible. And if you aren’t, it isn’t so bad as long as you don’t get caught.” Of course, if you continue to expand that thought – you slide down a slippery hole that will eventually expose you.”

Perhaps another funny little story that happened to me also influences one of my principles. When I was in 5th grade, my father dropped my brothers and I off at a movie theatre. He could only do it during his late lunch hour – and so we had to wait an hour before the next movie started.

It was just above freezing in temperature outside and so we decided to walk around at the back of the movie theatre. There was a small pond – divided in half by a sloped wall. I was told by my father to watch after the two boys. And of course, they had no intention of being bossed around by their older brother. My middle brother, an avid fisherman even at that age, walked out to the edge of the lake. The youngest brother followed. While the middle brother could easily walk across the cement wall dividing the small pond, the little brother was not as skilled. Despite me warning – demanding that neither should be there – they thought different.

In the flash of a moment, the youngest slipped on the mossy concrete – and like a greased pig through hands, slid down the sloped wall into the freezing water.

Knowing that he didn’t swim, and that he was not going to be able to climb up that very slippery wall – I had no choice but to slide down into the water with him and pull him out.

I remember three things.

I remember the people at the movie theatre yelling at us for being in the water, and for asking why we would do such a thing – and me wanting to smack them for asking such a stupic question.

I remember how frustrated I was by getting yelled at my parents for not stopping my little brother from being by the water in the first place – and then for slipping down inside. They didn’t say, “Thank you Rick for saving his life – you are such a good brother.”

And I lastly remember my lesson of thinking it was far better to be the bully – and be over responsible – despite that people (or brothers) would not like me and would not get to learn their own hard lessons in life.

This has created a person in my that doesn’t run from responsibility. And it has created a person in me who is not afraid to ask questions – hold others accountable – and worry less about what others think – knowing the result is far greater than avoiding it.

4. What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?

I am not as altruistically giving as I think I should be. I sometimes wonder if I am too responsible for only myself. And yet – when I think I should do more – I struggle with the question of why – and if that answer is actually altruistic?

Right now – I am in a bit of a “limited responsibility” phase of my life. I am taking a break from being responsible for hundreds – and narrowing down my list a little, to insure I am doing enough for a few rather than a little for many.

I do want to be more responsible for knowing WHY I am voting for Obama this year. When I read recently in Time magazine that only 25% people can actually show how their selection of a candidate is because they can specifically point to that candidate, and their belief, and how they are aligned to their own beliefs. To me – that is a right we have. And I want to be more responsible.


5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world?

America can’t save the world. We shouldn’t save the world. I believe we have a “responsibility” to help others help themselves. But too often, we believe no one else in the world can do it like we can – and so we rush in to show people how to do it our way.

We are over extended as a nation. Our government – and our people – have to much debt. We borrow – hoping some miracle will come about to make it all better. And we over use supply side economics to get people to believe that an investment in one will create two. But we have just learned that this investment of one is getting us seventy five percent on the dollar.

I know that fact tell us that with the wealth of the world distributed, no one would have to be hungry, poor or in ill health. But I don’t think that is the responsibility of the world. My earlier principle of helping people to help themselves governs my thinking here. I want to save all oppressed people in the world – but I don’t know how we can. When we attack the oppressors – we pay a price. And we may not help the oppressed.

I have a feeling that as I get older, my thoughts on this rather selfish perspective of democracy will start to evolve to a more independent view of social responsibility and discussion on what is a human privilege or a human right.

RESPONSIBIITY: Peter Waring

1. What is your principle on RESPONSIBILITY. And how does that play out in your life? (principle defined as: set of beliefs that guide your actions).

The Australian Bar Exam which I took earlier in the year, imbues each aspiring lawyer with a strong sense of the importance of professional responsibility. It is perhaps a measure of how far the reputation of lawyers has fallen as a result of a few taking advantage of legal privileges and exploiting their power advantage over clients. Lawyers who screw their clients (literally and figuratively); lawyers engaged in fraud, malfeasance, crime and all kinds of other nefarious activity. These people failed to recognise that responsibility shadows rights and privileges – this is I suppose my own guiding belief.

Living in a civil and functioning society requires all members to be fundamentally responsible. Having said this, to err is to be human and all of us sometimes fall short of acting responsibly.


2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from? Does it come from religious beliefs? As an offshoot from philosophical principles like “the golden rule? Does it rise out of fear? Is it a requirement of being human?

I think it was Socrates who spoke of the ‘first moral reaction of man’. What do you do when you see a person bleeding and in distress in the street? What do you do if a group of thugs threaten a stranger in the subway car you are riding? What do you do if you learn that your colleagues are involved in corporate fraud as Sherron Watkins did at Enron? These situations require great personal courage and a sense of higher responsibility.

For me the sense of what I would personally do in these kinds of situations arises from what Freud would describe as a strong ‘super-ego’ developed by my parents who embody the principle of ‘self-sacrifice’ and higher purpose.

3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible

I guess like many young people going through their rites of passage, I had an especially bad night when drowning in a toilet became a real possibility after downing far too many tequila shots. The next day I vowed never to be so cavalier with my life again.

4. What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?

I’m writing this the day after the Dow dropped another 8% or so and in the week after Richard Fuld (former CEO of the now bankrupt Lehman Brothers) did his best to justify the half billion dollars or so he ripped out of the company.

Clearly the issue of corporate responsibility has become acute to the point of potentially becoming a more significant issue then global terrorism. Certainly its absence has threatened the world in a way that terrorism hasn’t.

Our stewards of industry, leaders of banks, regulators and individual shareholders and consumers need to build a far more sustainable capitalist model in which we all exercise greater responsibility and restraint.

5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world? Is a country responsible for something greater than their country?

I think everyone in the world has a responsibility to protect and uphold human rights. Rick mentioned Darfur and I note that in one of the recent Presidential debates, Obama was asked a similar question. His answer was brilliant – if we had chance to prevent the Jewish Holocaust of course we would. The world may have had a chance to intervene in the Rwandan genocide but failed. The problem is that these global situations are almost always nuanced and occasionally factually ambiguous – yet where there is clear evidence of severe abuse of human rights, history tells us we should act.

RESPONSIBILITY: Andreas

1. What is your principle on RESPONSIBILITY. And how does that play out in your life?
For reasons unknown to me, responsibility is the Big Thing. The Right Thing. Something I like and respect, something I consider a cornerstone of society. Big words, but true words. I am one of those people who have a hard time walking into a room without being elected or appointed something. Do I want that? Well, yes, often times I do. Often times I don't. But since Taking Responsibility is the Right Thing, I find myself taking a lot of it. Perhaps because I am a big brother?

2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from?
It's a human foundation. An attempt at the idea of the greater good.

3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible?
That ”irresponsible” and ”Andreas” might be good for each other sometimes – but we don't like to hang out.

4. What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?
I am listening to Wham! as I write this. I should probably take active responsibility and click my iTunes forward. But hell, I like them! At least sometimes! No, seriously: All small personal responsibility is the key to larger responsibilities. Apathy amongst young people who don't have the decency to vote in their national elections, that's one thing that drives me crazy. People who say ”I wasn't informed” when information is free.

5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world? How do you decide what you are responsible for?
Yes, but only in the personal meeting. Do I meet someone thirsty while taking a walk in the desert? I will share my water. But will I sell all my assets to bring water to everyone who needs it? Probably not. I might help contribue somehow – charity, opinion-making – but the actual physical helping hand can't help everyone. And how do we decide? Well, most of us don't. We take a shot from the hip and let decisions be made for us.

WEEK TWO: Five Questions on RESPONSIBILITY

WEEK TWO: Five Questions on RESPONSIBILITY

AUTHOR IN CHARGE OF THIS WEEK: Rick Von Feldt

RESPONSIBILITY is defined as, “the quality or state of being responsible: as a: moral, legal, or mental accountability”

1. What is your principle on RESPONSIBILITY. And how does that play out in your life? (principle defined as: set of beliefs that guide your actions).
2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from? Does it come from religious beliefs? As an offshoot from philosophical principles like “the golden rule? Does it rise out of fear? Is it a requirement of being human?
3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible
4. What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?
5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world? Is a country responsible for something greater than their country? America is often criticized for being more responsible than others in the world believe they should be. Is that responsibility or something else? On the other hand, The United Nations estimates that the conflict in Darfur has left as many as 500,000 dead from violence and disease. The United States Holocaust Memorial Museum estimates that 100,000 have died each year because of government attacks. Most non-governmental organizations use 200,000 to more than 400,000. How do you decide what you are responsible for?

BACKGROUND ON THE QUESTION

Dear readers – my apologies for dropping the ball over the last 10 days on our next set of questions. There are details behind the reason, including a misunderstanding with another author as well as my own “under the weather” reasons, but let me get back to the mission at hand. (You can ready more about my own situation at my blog – listed in the left hand column).

Since I needed to provide a second weeks worth of questions, I debated for several days on what to write next. It has been a struggle.

Like many Americans, we are in shock as the melt down of our economy. Investments are going away. Markets are down. Bank accounts are down. For me personally – it of course affects me dramatically – as my “future” life of choice was a little dependent upon my savings not only doing well – but staying around. Oh well. Time to be flexible!

I thought about having the economy be central to this week’s set of questions. But it surely was only a US crisis, right? But on Monday, the global economy became infected, proving that the world is smaller than ever. Not only was America hoping to make a fast buck, but we talked the rest of the world in to buying portfolios based upon this “upside potential” promise.

So, the crisis is now a global crisis. But is this worth writing about?

Instead, I am choosing to ask FIVE QUESTIONS around a related theme: RESPONSIBILITY.

In my opinion, this is central to not only the financial crisis, our American election – but it is something that Americans are learning harshly in a lesson. Our government hasn’t been responsible. Many people haven’t been responsible. And now – we are paying a price.

So – let’s talk about RESPONSIBILITY – and five questions around it…

ATTACHMENT: Sherry Zhang

1. What Are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?

I indeed spent a little bit time to understand the phrase of "attachment" and got better understanding when I finished the reading of all others' response; and after conducting the survey of my attachment style. If we could go beyond the context of relationship, I would say, I might have attached too much with my work, my current romantic relationship, nice clothes and household goods, some habit from my childhood... And, maybe all of these links to the feeling of security.

I came from a rural area of China - northwest China where connects to eight countries at the board area like Russia, Afghanistan..etc. The living in hometown was poor but pleasant. As the eldest at home for 3 younger sisters, I was expected to be the role model, the leader to share the live burden with my parents, bring positive impact to my sisters and meet the expectation of "being the ridgepole" when I grow up. The living condition, lifestyle and culture of that location as well as the attention from my parents impacted me to be a person that maybe subconsciously worry about the scarcity of resources - therefore, you have to work extremely hard to earn them, this might have been reflected on my hardworking, my strong sense of caring and being loved, my yearn for nice materials - just to make myself feel secure.

Does the above attachments bring me pain, suffering and negative impact than pleasure and benefit? I think they provide me both feelings at different stage of life. Example as one of my younger sisters - she is used to "go with the flow of life" - in a negative way, no planning, lazy to prepare and relative passive on taking iniatives (or doesn't know how to) to build up relationship... When my father shared his strong concern on her life, I often comfort him that human beings intend to live in a life that he/she feels most comfortable. When the pain grows over the benefit, she will reinvent herself. I can see that she lives in the life of obtuse pain and pleasant of the moment. I'm going to talk about how this may reflect/affect me on my relationship in the responses to coming questions.

2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment? (Attachment Survey)

The survey says that I "fall into the preoccupied quadrant. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can often interfere with their relationships".

I was given the comments that I have a "big heart", and I have been surprised to be aware of my tolerance and patience on handling conflict during the relationship... sometimes I was totally confused by myself with my tolerance. To dig it, I think it may come out from the following two sources:

One is the lack of individualism due to my growing environment and the normal collectivism culture in China. I have been always taught to take care of others in my childhood - to my sisters, to guests that visited our home and to classmates of the school as I had been almost always as the class monitor Till today, I am often descripted by my peers as like a "elder sister" to take care of everyone in the team... when I see the needs from my partner, I feel the obligation to stay on and offer my help. Interestingly, this may also comes out from inherit of my parents. Though often my father would scold my mom as "you are not the saviour", I saw my father never rejected any requests from his patients even when he retired and those patients just came to my parents' apartment for free treatment.

I think the other reason may come out from my inner belief of taking the suffer as a challenge and only move on when I feel I overcome it. I experienced two serious relationships before I got married. In each, I had pleasant, suffering, tears, back and forth on breaking up... each lasted for 3-4 years. It seems it's not easy for me to just break with people quickly and decidedly - that's why when I watched "the Sex and City", I often was really surprised to see how quick they can get in and out a relationship (maybe even for Americans, that's just a show - I'll need other authors' comments on this point). To me, I just feel when the time is right, the relationship will be "terminated" naturally, and when such time comes, I feel ease and peaceful in my mind. It's just the cost of such "natual maturity" may become too high when I'm getting older and older. But this is also part of life experience. Some people enjoy "quick and diverse" relationships, while for me, the lessons might be deep and thorough in each relationship, until you're released naturally (or sometimes, "exhausted"). I could also be viewed as too stubborn. In my professional life, I once experienced really "bad" peer and boss, and I struggled and stopped idea of escape - it's so easy to change a job with higher pay in China. But I insisted and figured out how to deal with them, then I move on with relief in my mind and feel proud that I did not give up, and I can handle such people in the future. Not sure if this also applies to my personal relationship.

3. Is someone too attached to you?

I can easily attach to people who are around me. Sometimes, I need to be cautious on keeping distance with my working peers whom I really appreciate and enjoy talking to therefore to avoid favorism and bias to team members. But "over attachment" may happen on my relationship with my husband. I once moaned he did not care me as I cared him, and then I realized that different people have different way to express their emotion and he is just different than me. But when I am also clear that he is just more selfish and immature, my "altruism" starts to effect mischievously. On one side, I want to run away and be in a relationship that I can feel be loved and cared; the other side, I feel the needs from him to me. And this sometimes makes me intentionally contribute more in the relationship just expect that my change will support him to grow up. And sadly, I seems still not find the key. Or maybe the key is in my mind and the solution is easy - as some of my friends said "you deserve more and better". I just can't to make that decision now. To me, the decision seems not as easy as "get rid of the life and reinvent myself", it's even not the scare of worse life, it's just a cross I have on my back now. Maybe when the time is right, I will move on and feel ease in my mind.

4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig

I have some difficutlies to understand thoroughly the quote given my English level. After reading Rick's answer, I know where he came from as we recently had the wonderful chat of "dream". I think my answers to the above questions may have shared some of my thoughts relates to the quote. My suffering comes out from all the attachments I have which corelates to the growing experience I had. And if I'm a type of person that not care or think so much (or not at a position to be forced to think so much by a guy named Rick), my life could be easier. I am a Sagittarius, if I believe some of the saying about it, I believe my suffer comes out from the yearning for freedom from the bottom of my heart ("like to be free as the wind that blows") while I came out from the experience that I've been so used to take care of others' feeling - on some of the life choice I made, I think I'm scared to disppoint people who are important to me (like my parents). I know you may say but life is yours, yes, it's because of that, I know I would also suffer if I sense that I disppointed my parents or hurt others that I care. I'm still struggling in mind but not in a bad way, as I'm also learning and exploring pleasant from the journey.

5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you? (See interesting idea on “core beliefs” by Erza Bayda link below)

As shared in the above answers, I guess I'm the one that not decisive enough at this stage of my life to get rid of the life I'm having - maybe not planned. I still have the dream on my list of chasing wonderful relationship and be a freelanced consultant as the last phase of my professional life. And I believe I'm on the way to the life I am dreaming, it may just take longer time for me to go there, and it takes effort and sincerity if I avoid to be hurt too much and to hurt others too much - in my mind, there is the visual image now that a person is crossing the thorns, it indeed takes more effort not to be hurt and not break too much tress...

Okay, I dare to go back and read each of the answers I made to the above questions. I admit that I've been really honest, to people who know me. And I appreciate your patience to read through them.

Time to go to bed - it's almost my 2am and I am not the one on sabbatical time. Luckily I'm still in jet lag of flying back from SF last night so that I can finish this tough task, but worthy! Thanks, Rick, and thanks for all other authors' sharing.