1. What is your principle on RESPONSIBILITY. And how does that play out in your life? (principle defined as: set of beliefs that guide your actions).
I don’t generally go around quoting Bible verses, but JFK made one very famous which captures the principle of responsibility for me. It’s from Luke 12:48, and it reads, “To whom much is given, much is required.” I’m not wealthy by anyone’s standards, but I have been very blessed in my lifetime. I was born to two parents from stable, loving families, parents who loved each other and loved their children and raised us with values that have brought me and my sisters success and happiness. My parents were well-educated, and they passed that education down to us – truly one of the greatest gifts. And yet the advantages I enjoy are simply an accident of my birth. I do not deserve them, any more than children born into poverty or war or simply lack of love deserve their fate. And even though inheritance is not destiny, and people do manage to rise out of terrible situations, I know that we have to play the cards we are given, and sometimes those cards just really suck. Thus, I believe we have a responsibility to help others who are not as fortunate as we are, to the best of our ability. This is perhaps one of the most important life lessons I wish to teach my children.
2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from? Does it come from religious beliefs? As an offshoot from philosophical principles like “the golden rule? Does it rise out of fear? Is it a requirement of being human?
I believe I learned responsibility from my parents. My father worked very hard all his life, and I started working at age 12, when I woke at 5:30 every morning to deliver newspapers. My parents have always tried very hard to live within their means, even when that meant selling their first home and renting a house because they couldn’t afford the mortgage anymore when the company my father worked for went bankrupt. My father has always been fiercely self-reliant and quite critical of social programs and political philosophies that require us to take care of others (he’s appalled that his daughter leans toward Socialism). And yet, in his private life, he has been taken care of and has taken care of others. In those dark days after the company went bankrupt, people who knew our situation dropped bags of groceries on our front porch, completely anonymously. And even as they were selling their home, my parents anonymously sent $100 to a family they knew was even worse off, so that they could buy Christmas presents for their children. Their impulse toward generosity and responsibility lives in me, but I suppose I’m a bit more cynical about people. I don’t believe that many people live like my parents and take care of each other voluntarily. I believe it must be the responsibility of the community and, on a larger scale, of the country and even the world. We must take care of all the children of the world as if they were our own, and we must take care of the weak, the infirm, the elderly, and those who cannot care for themselves… to the best of our ability. That’s when the hard choices happen. We cannot give so much of our money away that our own children starve. We must be responsible for ourselves. But we can always do more for others. And we need leaders who will ask it of us.
3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible?
I think anyone who is honest will have to admit to being irresponsible about something at one time or another (thank you to Peter for admitting it). I will admit to my share of irresponsible acts, but I believe those moments of irresponsibility have made me more tolerant of others’ weaknesses, less judgmental of others’ bad judgment. Because I realize that I have experienced nothing less than pure luck at several moments in my life when, if things had been different, I could have ended up dead, injured, or infected with some nasty disease. So I have more compassion for people who have not been as lucky, on whom the consequences of their poor choices have fallen hard.
4. What is an example in the world today in which you or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?
I saw an advertisement in the subway in Boston encouraging people to use the equity in their homes to add an addition to the home, buy a boat, pay for college, buy a big screen TV, or take a vacation. I was sorely tempted to inscribe some fiscally responsible graffiti, something like “This is the problem with our country!” or “Don’t do it!” I was responsible and refrained.
An acquaintance on Cape Cod sent me this well-written and reflective pledge to be more fiscally responsible in her own home. We've been having the same conversation in our house. I think it starts at home...
Dear friends,
I don't completely understand the bailout and how it's supposed to help this heinous situation. I do understand that like most Americans our government has blown the surplus of funds we had, lived on credit for too long and allowed Wall St. to back some really bad mortgages with little or no regulation. I understand that corporations and financial institutions reward (with outrageous amounts of money) those executives who grow their profit margins, no matter how that money is earned. I understand golden parachutes and how very wrong it is to provide such silken rewards for these bloodsuckers when they've produced such a horror show within our current economy. I know that at least one of the economic strategists has called the bailout a crap sandwich. We are all on tenterhooks waiting for wiser minds to fix this debacle and have no control over the outcome. For the most part we don't know how to fix it - just how we DON'T want to fix it. It's a dire time for all of us and I hope sincerely that Washington can resolve this in the right way.
I also understand that here at my house finances are not in order; our mortgage is too high, our credit card debt is too high and for most of our lives have had inadequate savings to shore us up in the bad times. In seeking the good life we have put ourselves in a situation that is somewhat irresponsible as we have left ourselves cash-strapped like our government.
I also understand that banks have been allowed to write some bad deals for people desperate to buy a home, often beyond their means, with teaser intro rates. I know that in spite of risky credit ratings there is always SOME bank that would give you a mortgage. I know that the mortgage backing industry with the free rein granted by Washington has done a terrible job of policing those banks who allow people to hang themselves with these seductive loans.
I believe in the concept of home ownership; for 98% of us it will be the biggest investment of our lives and will reap the greatest reward. After all, it gives us a place to live and raise our families and hopefully over time will grow in value earning us some nice equity. But I know now that we should not be allowed to borrow that equity to add on a sun room, finance the kids' college tuition or invest in a vacation home. That equity is just a figure on paper - not real money - until you sell the house and the cash is in your hand. There was about 200K in 'equity' on my home at one point; that figure has dwindled to zero in the last year or two. It will go up again eventually if I live that long and can keep up the payments. Perhaps a better way to look at that growth in value is as a way to supplement your retirement and only if you're willing to sell the house, buy smaller, cheaper housing for cash and bank or invest the rest for the future. As for tuition, if we were a nation of savers we might have what we need to help the kids when the time comes. And that sun room or second home ... again those things should come from saved funds.
I realize how idealistic this is but perhaps that's what is needed here - ideals. If we as citizens would exercise enough control to delay the gratification of a big screen television until we can afford to pay for it instead of flashing a card on impulse one Saturday when we've decided the 'old' TV doesn't have quite the features we desire it would set an example to our government to spend only what is affordable for those things we want or need for our country. Maybe if we saved consistently and with vigor it would inspire our leaders to work toward having a surplus of funds in America once again.
I believe that my effort, although miniscule by itself, will help this country get back on track. Therefore I am now taking a vow along with my hubby that we will save more by modestly increasing the small deductions now going from checking to savings each month. We will pay down debt more vigorously even if we can't go out to eat or replace our aging cars. We'll shop more judiciously and stretch our food dollars with more 'from scratch' cooking. It's healthier anyway. We'll think twice before wasting gas to drive where we can walk and will combine errands when possible - perhaps use the bus now and again. The thermostats are at 65 degrees tops and at 60 while we sleep. We have fuzzy slippers and thick sweatshirts and will certainly not freeze! We'll follow all the energy saving tips offered us by the utility companies. And we will never borrow against the equity in this house again should regrowth occur.
I would like to reach people who agree to take the same pledge - all or in part. I know from talking with many of you that you're already doing a lot of these things to conserve. But let's start our own grassroots movement of revival to this sick economy and to our own financial health. Ignore the nay-sayers and economics majors who think it doesn't matter what John Q does. I've heard enough negativity and fear-mongering rages and you have, too. If you would, please send this to your friends and family members. If you want to influence one of your lawmakers, feel free to include them on your list!
5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world? Is a country responsible for something greater than their country?
See my answer to number 3 above.
Friday, October 17, 2008
RESPONSIBILITY - Eduardo Infante
1. What is your principle on RESPONSIBILITY. And how does that play out in your life?
My principal responsibility, as I see it, is to take advantage of the gifts/talents that God/life has granted me.
Therefore, my principle on responsibility is that it (responsibility) plays an important role in my life as I usually question whether my actions can impact my environment, the things surrounding me. Usually, the answer to that question is “yes”, and so I engage into more duties and tasks than what a person living in his comfort zone may think is good for one’s mental/moral/legal health.
2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from?
In my case, it comes from a mixture of both, my religious beliefs and my personal outlook to life. I’m one who believes in justice and fairness, thus, I tend to believe that a person with more privileges is a person with more responsibilities, too. I live in a country where less than 2% of the total population has the chance to study in a private university, undertake a undergrad degree, and a later postgraduate (masters) degree, like I did. Hence, it’s only natural for me to believe that I have way more responsibilities to my country than the person next door. Is this a requirement? Not at all. It does not come by fear, either. It’s basically a condition under which I fully acknowledge that I must not play a passive role. Teaching has been a way to do something in favor of my community, for I see it as a safe way to promote change in a somehow non-hostile environment.
3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible?
I’ve learned that you cannot ever be either fully responsible or fully irresponsible. There is always going to be a good combination of the two. In those moments in which I’ve let myself be carried away with irresponsibility, I’ve learned that I’m fonder of the responsible side. For some reason, I enjoy more being accountable than not.
4. What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you, needs to take more responsibility?
If I take it to my daily life, I could find plenty examples in which universities, and in general, the whole education system, needs to stress, a bit more eagerly, certain principles in the young adults we are pretending to shape. Precisely today, I talked about an example with my employer in which we let a group of students get away with their acts, without showing them the consequences of their bad performance. To be honest, not only was I mad and angry with the President of my campus, because it was his decision that these students got what they wanted. But I was also sad and frustrated, because what we are teaching them, in the end, is not the correct lesson. If they are about to graduate, and they still believe that life will always grant you a second chance, we as a school are being irresponsible.
5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world?
Yes, even though is much easier to pretend that we are not. I mean, look at the way a human society was originally conceived, people lived in tribes, and everyone took care of each other. I know we don’t live in tribes but in a global village, nowadays. But I also know that it’s easier to mind our own business than to try to help/change/re-shape what’s going on around. And the line between doing that, merely for altruist purposes, and getting into someone else’s nose is just too thin. So it’s a lot more comfortable for a big percentage of the world’s population simply not to do anything to change the world.
My principal responsibility, as I see it, is to take advantage of the gifts/talents that God/life has granted me.
Therefore, my principle on responsibility is that it (responsibility) plays an important role in my life as I usually question whether my actions can impact my environment, the things surrounding me. Usually, the answer to that question is “yes”, and so I engage into more duties and tasks than what a person living in his comfort zone may think is good for one’s mental/moral/legal health.
2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from?
In my case, it comes from a mixture of both, my religious beliefs and my personal outlook to life. I’m one who believes in justice and fairness, thus, I tend to believe that a person with more privileges is a person with more responsibilities, too. I live in a country where less than 2% of the total population has the chance to study in a private university, undertake a undergrad degree, and a later postgraduate (masters) degree, like I did. Hence, it’s only natural for me to believe that I have way more responsibilities to my country than the person next door. Is this a requirement? Not at all. It does not come by fear, either. It’s basically a condition under which I fully acknowledge that I must not play a passive role. Teaching has been a way to do something in favor of my community, for I see it as a safe way to promote change in a somehow non-hostile environment.
3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible?
I’ve learned that you cannot ever be either fully responsible or fully irresponsible. There is always going to be a good combination of the two. In those moments in which I’ve let myself be carried away with irresponsibility, I’ve learned that I’m fonder of the responsible side. For some reason, I enjoy more being accountable than not.
4. What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you, needs to take more responsibility?
If I take it to my daily life, I could find plenty examples in which universities, and in general, the whole education system, needs to stress, a bit more eagerly, certain principles in the young adults we are pretending to shape. Precisely today, I talked about an example with my employer in which we let a group of students get away with their acts, without showing them the consequences of their bad performance. To be honest, not only was I mad and angry with the President of my campus, because it was his decision that these students got what they wanted. But I was also sad and frustrated, because what we are teaching them, in the end, is not the correct lesson. If they are about to graduate, and they still believe that life will always grant you a second chance, we as a school are being irresponsible.
5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world?
Yes, even though is much easier to pretend that we are not. I mean, look at the way a human society was originally conceived, people lived in tribes, and everyone took care of each other. I know we don’t live in tribes but in a global village, nowadays. But I also know that it’s easier to mind our own business than to try to help/change/re-shape what’s going on around. And the line between doing that, merely for altruist purposes, and getting into someone else’s nose is just too thin. So it’s a lot more comfortable for a big percentage of the world’s population simply not to do anything to change the world.
RESPONSIBILITY: Ramak Siadatan
1. What is your principle on RESPONSIBILITY. And how does that play out in your life? (principle defined as: set of beliefs that guide your actions).
I know Rick provided a definition of the word responsibility, but still don't really know what it means. To me, the use of this word is an example of how society overuses and misuses a word until many people are just left confused. (Take for example how many times I said "word" in the last two sentences...overused, right? Who wants to listen to a guy who can't be creative enough to use the full breadth of the English language even though he grew up in an English speaking country!) Apparently, I digress...
Here's what "thefreedictionary.com" has to say about "responsible":
1. Liable to be required to give account, as of one's actions or of the discharge of a duty or trust.
2. Involving personal accountability or ability to act without guidance or superior authority: a responsible position within the firm.
3. Being a source or cause.
4. Able to make moral or rational decisions on one's own and therefore answerable for one's behavior.
5. Able to be trusted or depended upon; reliable.
6. Based on or characterized by good judgment or sound thinking: responsible journalism.
7. Having the means to pay debts or fulfill obligations.
8. Required to render account; answerable: The cabinet is responsible to the parliament.
Really? We use this word to describe morality, reliability, skewed opinions on "good judgement", following through on legal obligations....it's all just too much.
My track coach in high school was the first person to tell me that the world is based on people's perceptions. So who's perception of responsibility is the one we go with? My interpretation of Rick's response is that sometimes you can only go with the experiences that directly shaped your own life and the perceptions you have based on the beliefs and actions of those around you.
Growing up, I understood responsibility to be something you were told you had to do. My parents told me I was responsible for studying hard and doing my best. They told me I was responsible for keeping my room clean, being respectful of others, speaking up when something was wrong, doing "the right thing." I felt obligated to do these things. After all, they were my parents and they new best.
Somewhere along the way, I started believing in those things I was responsible for. I embraced them. I'm not really sure how it happened, it just did. And in turn, over time, it translated into a few basic tenets that guide my life.... treat people with respect, try to look at the world through the eyes of the people you interact with, enjoy your life and family and friends, work hard at something you find passion in... these are all responsibilities I assign myself. Sooner or later, you become your own person and find the strength from within to hold yourself accountable via self discipline, alignment to a group/religious affiliation to help guide you or develop a moral compass through your interactions with people you respect and admire.
2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from? Does it come from religious beliefs? As an offshoot from philosophical principles like “the golden rule? Does it rise out of fear? Is it a requirement of being human?
Nature...then nurture...then nature again. It's within you, then it's shaped and guided by the philosophies of those people most influential in your life, then it's back to your instincts and feelings as an adult. I'll be honest, my principle of responsibility came not only from my parents, religious beliefs and the golden rule....it also came from what I saw on television, music I've heard on the radio and dreams I have when sleeping. Every human being feels responsible to at least one thing.
3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible
That throwing your pet bird into the air doesn't mean the bird knows to come back...
4. What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?
Anyone not doing their job. You're a senator...do your job. Don't tell me how you're going to fix the economy...it was your job to make sure we had a good budget in the first place. How can I trust you will do a good job in the White House when you didn't do exactly the things you're complaining about as a member of the group capable of doing those very things.
If it's your job to deliver a good...and that good is not delivered, take accountability. Do your job. Don't blame someone else. Rick said it best, say what you're going to do and then do what you said. Don't do it half baked, don't pretend like you did it in the hopes no one will notice...just DO YOUR JOB. (And don't think for a second I'm excluding myself from this rant!) ;-)
5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world? Is a country responsible for something greater than their country?
Honestly (and quite sadly), I don't think Darfur is anything more to the people of the American government than just another staging ground for a debate. I know behind our government are real people with real feelings, but those feelings are not what drives the behavior ofthe United States government. And for that matter, I feel that way about many/most governments around the world.
For every reason explained to us about the presence in the Middle East, we know there are countless others not explained to us. Ultimately, I just don't want to be lied to. If you're going somewhere to establish a presence for another reason, then just say that. "Hey, there's a group of people out there that are important to us for financial, political and military reasons. We're going to hang around their neighbors to make sure the best interest of OUR country is preserved." That, to me, is being honest. If you want to help the rest of the world, you should feel a responsibility to take care of yourself and your people, protect your countries interests abroad where it's threatened, and be neighborly by giving what you can when asked.
Yes, everyone in the world is responsible to everyone else in the world. We are responsible for taking care of our own people, and being good neighbors where possible. Beyond that, if you are going to get involved in other people's business, you better be pretty darn sure that there is a general consensus from the rest of the world that you are doing the right thing.
I know Rick provided a definition of the word responsibility, but still don't really know what it means. To me, the use of this word is an example of how society overuses and misuses a word until many people are just left confused. (Take for example how many times I said "word" in the last two sentences...overused, right? Who wants to listen to a guy who can't be creative enough to use the full breadth of the English language even though he grew up in an English speaking country!) Apparently, I digress...
Here's what "thefreedictionary.com" has to say about "responsible":
1. Liable to be required to give account, as of one's actions or of the discharge of a duty or trust.
2. Involving personal accountability or ability to act without guidance or superior authority: a responsible position within the firm.
3. Being a source or cause.
4. Able to make moral or rational decisions on one's own and therefore answerable for one's behavior.
5. Able to be trusted or depended upon; reliable.
6. Based on or characterized by good judgment or sound thinking: responsible journalism.
7. Having the means to pay debts or fulfill obligations.
8. Required to render account; answerable: The cabinet is responsible to the parliament.
Really? We use this word to describe morality, reliability, skewed opinions on "good judgement", following through on legal obligations....it's all just too much.
My track coach in high school was the first person to tell me that the world is based on people's perceptions. So who's perception of responsibility is the one we go with? My interpretation of Rick's response is that sometimes you can only go with the experiences that directly shaped your own life and the perceptions you have based on the beliefs and actions of those around you.
Growing up, I understood responsibility to be something you were told you had to do. My parents told me I was responsible for studying hard and doing my best. They told me I was responsible for keeping my room clean, being respectful of others, speaking up when something was wrong, doing "the right thing." I felt obligated to do these things. After all, they were my parents and they new best.
Somewhere along the way, I started believing in those things I was responsible for. I embraced them. I'm not really sure how it happened, it just did. And in turn, over time, it translated into a few basic tenets that guide my life.... treat people with respect, try to look at the world through the eyes of the people you interact with, enjoy your life and family and friends, work hard at something you find passion in... these are all responsibilities I assign myself. Sooner or later, you become your own person and find the strength from within to hold yourself accountable via self discipline, alignment to a group/religious affiliation to help guide you or develop a moral compass through your interactions with people you respect and admire.
2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from? Does it come from religious beliefs? As an offshoot from philosophical principles like “the golden rule? Does it rise out of fear? Is it a requirement of being human?
Nature...then nurture...then nature again. It's within you, then it's shaped and guided by the philosophies of those people most influential in your life, then it's back to your instincts and feelings as an adult. I'll be honest, my principle of responsibility came not only from my parents, religious beliefs and the golden rule....it also came from what I saw on television, music I've heard on the radio and dreams I have when sleeping. Every human being feels responsible to at least one thing.
3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible
That throwing your pet bird into the air doesn't mean the bird knows to come back...
4. What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?
Anyone not doing their job. You're a senator...do your job. Don't tell me how you're going to fix the economy...it was your job to make sure we had a good budget in the first place. How can I trust you will do a good job in the White House when you didn't do exactly the things you're complaining about as a member of the group capable of doing those very things.
If it's your job to deliver a good...and that good is not delivered, take accountability. Do your job. Don't blame someone else. Rick said it best, say what you're going to do and then do what you said. Don't do it half baked, don't pretend like you did it in the hopes no one will notice...just DO YOUR JOB. (And don't think for a second I'm excluding myself from this rant!) ;-)
5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world? Is a country responsible for something greater than their country?
Honestly (and quite sadly), I don't think Darfur is anything more to the people of the American government than just another staging ground for a debate. I know behind our government are real people with real feelings, but those feelings are not what drives the behavior ofthe United States government. And for that matter, I feel that way about many/most governments around the world.
For every reason explained to us about the presence in the Middle East, we know there are countless others not explained to us. Ultimately, I just don't want to be lied to. If you're going somewhere to establish a presence for another reason, then just say that. "Hey, there's a group of people out there that are important to us for financial, political and military reasons. We're going to hang around their neighbors to make sure the best interest of OUR country is preserved." That, to me, is being honest. If you want to help the rest of the world, you should feel a responsibility to take care of yourself and your people, protect your countries interests abroad where it's threatened, and be neighborly by giving what you can when asked.
Yes, everyone in the world is responsible to everyone else in the world. We are responsible for taking care of our own people, and being good neighbors where possible. Beyond that, if you are going to get involved in other people's business, you better be pretty darn sure that there is a general consensus from the rest of the world that you are doing the right thing.
RESPONSIBILITY: Rick Von Feldt
1. What is your principle on RESPONSIBILITY. And how does that play out in your life? (principle defined as: set of beliefs that guide your actions).
I am responding to these questions overlooking a rolling hill in Kansas. I am back “home” for a couple of weeks of non-rushed family connecting. When I fly from San Francisco to Kansas – I have to do it in two flights. The first if over deserts, salt lakes and majestic mountains on the way to Denver. But the one hour flight from Denver to Kansas City is the flight that always reminds me of my roots. The flight this trip as we flew at 36,000 miles above clear skies reminded me of these questions.
Below me – flat planes of geometrically shaped fields are the homes of my people. It is where both of my farming parents we born, raised and rooted in their own values of what is right and wrong.
Each small section of land – with one lonely farmhouse reminded me of a small german farming family that farmed because that is what they do. They keep their head down, get their work done. They stay out of the way of others. They are seldom loud – save for the one or twice a year they get carried away at the wedding of a child, niece or nephew.
Each time I fly over those circles and square of land, with grains and oil producing plants, I wonder how in the world I ever was born out of those field – and still become the person I am today. Yet, even at 35,000 feet in the air, I can feel the quietness of the land – of the people and of the expectations. My soul knows where it comes from. And while I may go out and travel the world – those very lands and people influenced my principles on responsibility.
When I ask myself what I think some of my “non negotiable principles” on responsibility – the following statements come to mind – in no particular order.
- Say what you are going to do – and then do what you say. That is your honor.
- Be responsible for yourself. We didn’t hear mantra’s about going out and being responsible for others.
- Give when asked. But do so quietly and without fanfare.
- Help other people help themselves. But there are expectations with that help.
This is a very “heads down Russian-German” way of thinking here in Kansas. In a recent conversation with my mother, we both concluded that she – and therefore us, were never taught about philanthropy. Both of my parents were poor enough that they should have been the ones to receive. But they didn’t ask. They took care of themselves – raising what they needed to make ends meet by farming, gardening, butchering and bartering. And so – since my mother was not raised to go out and volunteer – but instead to work and take care of yourselves – we were also not raised to be volunteers for the sake of being responsible for others.
If we did give, I think that we also knew that it was conditional giving. Whether because we were trying to avoid guilt, earn our way to heaven or we expected that someday, we might need that very same help ourselves, we did it knowing we could expect something in return. But we didn’t ask it. Or talk about it.
2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from? Does it come from religious beliefs? As an offshoot from philosophical principles like “the golden rule? Does it rise out of fear? Is it a requirement of being human?
I believe that much of our need or expectation for responsibility comes from two lines of thinking. The first comes as an avoidance to bad things that happen to us if we don’t – as taught by churches. The second comes from our believe in the golden rule – and a sense of wanting to belong to a mankind that does for others – hoping they will receive the same in return if needed.
Personally – I think I can narrow now my sense of responsibilities from several sources.
1. Learning the “action – consequence – reward” sequence of working at my dad’s gas station from age 12.
2. Being held accountable as the oldest brother of 3 – often whether I liked it or not.
3. Avoidance to guilt and fear from the Catholic church – ranging from collection envelopes to being an alter boy to knowing that I had to tell god about all of my bad things – that there were would be a response – and so it might just be easier to avoid those irresponsible things from the beginning.
4. Learning about extra credit in junior high school – and what happens if you excelled in school – and the benefits it would bring. But likewise, also learning how awful it felt when you weren’t responsible.
5. My parents schemes on “action – reward” growing up – ranging from paying us weekly amounts for the completion of chores – and set amounts of money for achieving certain grade levels every quarter growing up (until the amounts they were offering were far below what we earned in actual jobs).
6. Cub scouts and boy scouts – both from the responsibility oriented nature of getting merit badges – but also from the consequence of when the group failed.
Growing up – I was introduced to the solemn tasks of responsibility by several key actions. The church taught it to me by being an alter boy. I learned it by the “action/consequence” action of school work – and what happened when you did extra credit. Somewhere, I owe a 7th grade teacher a great deal of credit for introducing the idea that if you not only did the work you were supposed to do – but you did more – you could actually achieve scores BEYOND perfect.
I also learned responsibility by working at the gas station at age 12. I quickly learned that if I wanted the things in life that I wanted – I had to ask what needed to be done – wake up – work and be responsible. That earned me $5 a day. Of course, on those cold weekend days, when my father woke me at 6:00 am – I didn’t have much choice but to be responsible. The real question came later at 16 when I had a car – and then had to make my own choices. If I got up on my own – and drove to work – I would be responsible. That would lead to money. And I could keep earning.
I also remember in grade school that the Catholic church handed all the kids small boxes of envelopes at the beginning of each calendar year. Each small box contained 52 envelopes, and our teachers began using not so subtle methods of telling us that each week that we had to put at least a quarter in to the envelope and place it in the collection basket. No doubt, they were preparing their future contributors for larger more adult donations one day. And this was the way the catholic church taught young minds the habit of contribution. It wasn’t lost on me that each of those little envelopes had our own personal number stamped on those envelopes. I often wondered if there was a small elderly nun whose job each week was to take those envelopes, open them, take our our quarter, and then go to her ledger and mark a check by our number with our name. If we didn’t make a contribution for the week, I wondered if she would one day walk in to our religion class after mass, call out a number, and in front of everyone, say, “Ricky – we haven’t been receiving your quarter for several weeks. We hope that you have been doing anything that might make you go to hell – or put sins in your record that may have you saying Hail Mary’s for an hour throughout the week.”
But this was more about my German-Russian immigrant history. And from what my father taught us as kids.
I love my father today. I didn’t always use those words around him growing up. I resented his strong sense of work ethic – and the distraction that this supposed responsibility caused on his other non-working role as a father.
But I could never argue with the key thing he brought to my head – in addition to those often forgot items like a roof over my head – was hard work and responsibility. He got up at 6am – went to work at his gas station – and came home in the evening. He seldom complained. He seldom said anything. But we learned from his this key element of life.
3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible
Sometimes, I wish I could be less responsible. I wish I could not think about all of the things I should be doing for myself and others. I sometimes wish I didn’t come up with a hundred ideas a day – and then wonder what my responsibility was for getting them done, since indeed, I had been given the gift of that idea.
I always thought that my work for four years in Up With People was one of the most difficult responsibilities. This life in a fish bowl – around 125 students who watched every move – and would criticize you and eventually disrespect you for one slip up of irresponsibility was a tough gig.
One thing I learned however, was that it was not as much about the act of not being responsible that was important. Rather – it was whether it caused an negative action on the lives of others. If it doesn’t hurt others – or if for example, others don’t even know that you are being irresponsible – does it even matter? Can you block our judeo Christian principles – and say, “what the hell – no one will know!” This lead me to evolve one of my principles around responsibility – or at least amend it to think that “Be responsible. And if you aren’t, it isn’t so bad as long as you don’t get caught.” Of course, if you continue to expand that thought – you slide down a slippery hole that will eventually expose you.”
Perhaps another funny little story that happened to me also influences one of my principles. When I was in 5th grade, my father dropped my brothers and I off at a movie theatre. He could only do it during his late lunch hour – and so we had to wait an hour before the next movie started.
It was just above freezing in temperature outside and so we decided to walk around at the back of the movie theatre. There was a small pond – divided in half by a sloped wall. I was told by my father to watch after the two boys. And of course, they had no intention of being bossed around by their older brother. My middle brother, an avid fisherman even at that age, walked out to the edge of the lake. The youngest brother followed. While the middle brother could easily walk across the cement wall dividing the small pond, the little brother was not as skilled. Despite me warning – demanding that neither should be there – they thought different.
In the flash of a moment, the youngest slipped on the mossy concrete – and like a greased pig through hands, slid down the sloped wall into the freezing water.
Knowing that he didn’t swim, and that he was not going to be able to climb up that very slippery wall – I had no choice but to slide down into the water with him and pull him out.
I remember three things.
I remember the people at the movie theatre yelling at us for being in the water, and for asking why we would do such a thing – and me wanting to smack them for asking such a stupic question.
I remember how frustrated I was by getting yelled at my parents for not stopping my little brother from being by the water in the first place – and then for slipping down inside. They didn’t say, “Thank you Rick for saving his life – you are such a good brother.”
And I lastly remember my lesson of thinking it was far better to be the bully – and be over responsible – despite that people (or brothers) would not like me and would not get to learn their own hard lessons in life.
This has created a person in my that doesn’t run from responsibility. And it has created a person in me who is not afraid to ask questions – hold others accountable – and worry less about what others think – knowing the result is far greater than avoiding it.
4. What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?
I am not as altruistically giving as I think I should be. I sometimes wonder if I am too responsible for only myself. And yet – when I think I should do more – I struggle with the question of why – and if that answer is actually altruistic?
Right now – I am in a bit of a “limited responsibility” phase of my life. I am taking a break from being responsible for hundreds – and narrowing down my list a little, to insure I am doing enough for a few rather than a little for many.
I do want to be more responsible for knowing WHY I am voting for Obama this year. When I read recently in Time magazine that only 25% people can actually show how their selection of a candidate is because they can specifically point to that candidate, and their belief, and how they are aligned to their own beliefs. To me – that is a right we have. And I want to be more responsible.
5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world?
America can’t save the world. We shouldn’t save the world. I believe we have a “responsibility” to help others help themselves. But too often, we believe no one else in the world can do it like we can – and so we rush in to show people how to do it our way.
We are over extended as a nation. Our government – and our people – have to much debt. We borrow – hoping some miracle will come about to make it all better. And we over use supply side economics to get people to believe that an investment in one will create two. But we have just learned that this investment of one is getting us seventy five percent on the dollar.
I know that fact tell us that with the wealth of the world distributed, no one would have to be hungry, poor or in ill health. But I don’t think that is the responsibility of the world. My earlier principle of helping people to help themselves governs my thinking here. I want to save all oppressed people in the world – but I don’t know how we can. When we attack the oppressors – we pay a price. And we may not help the oppressed.
I have a feeling that as I get older, my thoughts on this rather selfish perspective of democracy will start to evolve to a more independent view of social responsibility and discussion on what is a human privilege or a human right.
I am responding to these questions overlooking a rolling hill in Kansas. I am back “home” for a couple of weeks of non-rushed family connecting. When I fly from San Francisco to Kansas – I have to do it in two flights. The first if over deserts, salt lakes and majestic mountains on the way to Denver. But the one hour flight from Denver to Kansas City is the flight that always reminds me of my roots. The flight this trip as we flew at 36,000 miles above clear skies reminded me of these questions.
Below me – flat planes of geometrically shaped fields are the homes of my people. It is where both of my farming parents we born, raised and rooted in their own values of what is right and wrong.
Each small section of land – with one lonely farmhouse reminded me of a small german farming family that farmed because that is what they do. They keep their head down, get their work done. They stay out of the way of others. They are seldom loud – save for the one or twice a year they get carried away at the wedding of a child, niece or nephew.
Each time I fly over those circles and square of land, with grains and oil producing plants, I wonder how in the world I ever was born out of those field – and still become the person I am today. Yet, even at 35,000 feet in the air, I can feel the quietness of the land – of the people and of the expectations. My soul knows where it comes from. And while I may go out and travel the world – those very lands and people influenced my principles on responsibility.
When I ask myself what I think some of my “non negotiable principles” on responsibility – the following statements come to mind – in no particular order.
- Say what you are going to do – and then do what you say. That is your honor.
- Be responsible for yourself. We didn’t hear mantra’s about going out and being responsible for others.
- Give when asked. But do so quietly and without fanfare.
- Help other people help themselves. But there are expectations with that help.
This is a very “heads down Russian-German” way of thinking here in Kansas. In a recent conversation with my mother, we both concluded that she – and therefore us, were never taught about philanthropy. Both of my parents were poor enough that they should have been the ones to receive. But they didn’t ask. They took care of themselves – raising what they needed to make ends meet by farming, gardening, butchering and bartering. And so – since my mother was not raised to go out and volunteer – but instead to work and take care of yourselves – we were also not raised to be volunteers for the sake of being responsible for others.
If we did give, I think that we also knew that it was conditional giving. Whether because we were trying to avoid guilt, earn our way to heaven or we expected that someday, we might need that very same help ourselves, we did it knowing we could expect something in return. But we didn’t ask it. Or talk about it.
2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from? Does it come from religious beliefs? As an offshoot from philosophical principles like “the golden rule? Does it rise out of fear? Is it a requirement of being human?
I believe that much of our need or expectation for responsibility comes from two lines of thinking. The first comes as an avoidance to bad things that happen to us if we don’t – as taught by churches. The second comes from our believe in the golden rule – and a sense of wanting to belong to a mankind that does for others – hoping they will receive the same in return if needed.
Personally – I think I can narrow now my sense of responsibilities from several sources.
1. Learning the “action – consequence – reward” sequence of working at my dad’s gas station from age 12.
2. Being held accountable as the oldest brother of 3 – often whether I liked it or not.
3. Avoidance to guilt and fear from the Catholic church – ranging from collection envelopes to being an alter boy to knowing that I had to tell god about all of my bad things – that there were would be a response – and so it might just be easier to avoid those irresponsible things from the beginning.
4. Learning about extra credit in junior high school – and what happens if you excelled in school – and the benefits it would bring. But likewise, also learning how awful it felt when you weren’t responsible.
5. My parents schemes on “action – reward” growing up – ranging from paying us weekly amounts for the completion of chores – and set amounts of money for achieving certain grade levels every quarter growing up (until the amounts they were offering were far below what we earned in actual jobs).
6. Cub scouts and boy scouts – both from the responsibility oriented nature of getting merit badges – but also from the consequence of when the group failed.
Growing up – I was introduced to the solemn tasks of responsibility by several key actions. The church taught it to me by being an alter boy. I learned it by the “action/consequence” action of school work – and what happened when you did extra credit. Somewhere, I owe a 7th grade teacher a great deal of credit for introducing the idea that if you not only did the work you were supposed to do – but you did more – you could actually achieve scores BEYOND perfect.
I also learned responsibility by working at the gas station at age 12. I quickly learned that if I wanted the things in life that I wanted – I had to ask what needed to be done – wake up – work and be responsible. That earned me $5 a day. Of course, on those cold weekend days, when my father woke me at 6:00 am – I didn’t have much choice but to be responsible. The real question came later at 16 when I had a car – and then had to make my own choices. If I got up on my own – and drove to work – I would be responsible. That would lead to money. And I could keep earning.
I also remember in grade school that the Catholic church handed all the kids small boxes of envelopes at the beginning of each calendar year. Each small box contained 52 envelopes, and our teachers began using not so subtle methods of telling us that each week that we had to put at least a quarter in to the envelope and place it in the collection basket. No doubt, they were preparing their future contributors for larger more adult donations one day. And this was the way the catholic church taught young minds the habit of contribution. It wasn’t lost on me that each of those little envelopes had our own personal number stamped on those envelopes. I often wondered if there was a small elderly nun whose job each week was to take those envelopes, open them, take our our quarter, and then go to her ledger and mark a check by our number with our name. If we didn’t make a contribution for the week, I wondered if she would one day walk in to our religion class after mass, call out a number, and in front of everyone, say, “Ricky – we haven’t been receiving your quarter for several weeks. We hope that you have been doing anything that might make you go to hell – or put sins in your record that may have you saying Hail Mary’s for an hour throughout the week.”
But this was more about my German-Russian immigrant history. And from what my father taught us as kids.
I love my father today. I didn’t always use those words around him growing up. I resented his strong sense of work ethic – and the distraction that this supposed responsibility caused on his other non-working role as a father.
But I could never argue with the key thing he brought to my head – in addition to those often forgot items like a roof over my head – was hard work and responsibility. He got up at 6am – went to work at his gas station – and came home in the evening. He seldom complained. He seldom said anything. But we learned from his this key element of life.
3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible
Sometimes, I wish I could be less responsible. I wish I could not think about all of the things I should be doing for myself and others. I sometimes wish I didn’t come up with a hundred ideas a day – and then wonder what my responsibility was for getting them done, since indeed, I had been given the gift of that idea.
I always thought that my work for four years in Up With People was one of the most difficult responsibilities. This life in a fish bowl – around 125 students who watched every move – and would criticize you and eventually disrespect you for one slip up of irresponsibility was a tough gig.
One thing I learned however, was that it was not as much about the act of not being responsible that was important. Rather – it was whether it caused an negative action on the lives of others. If it doesn’t hurt others – or if for example, others don’t even know that you are being irresponsible – does it even matter? Can you block our judeo Christian principles – and say, “what the hell – no one will know!” This lead me to evolve one of my principles around responsibility – or at least amend it to think that “Be responsible. And if you aren’t, it isn’t so bad as long as you don’t get caught.” Of course, if you continue to expand that thought – you slide down a slippery hole that will eventually expose you.”
Perhaps another funny little story that happened to me also influences one of my principles. When I was in 5th grade, my father dropped my brothers and I off at a movie theatre. He could only do it during his late lunch hour – and so we had to wait an hour before the next movie started.
It was just above freezing in temperature outside and so we decided to walk around at the back of the movie theatre. There was a small pond – divided in half by a sloped wall. I was told by my father to watch after the two boys. And of course, they had no intention of being bossed around by their older brother. My middle brother, an avid fisherman even at that age, walked out to the edge of the lake. The youngest brother followed. While the middle brother could easily walk across the cement wall dividing the small pond, the little brother was not as skilled. Despite me warning – demanding that neither should be there – they thought different.
In the flash of a moment, the youngest slipped on the mossy concrete – and like a greased pig through hands, slid down the sloped wall into the freezing water.
Knowing that he didn’t swim, and that he was not going to be able to climb up that very slippery wall – I had no choice but to slide down into the water with him and pull him out.
I remember three things.
I remember the people at the movie theatre yelling at us for being in the water, and for asking why we would do such a thing – and me wanting to smack them for asking such a stupic question.
I remember how frustrated I was by getting yelled at my parents for not stopping my little brother from being by the water in the first place – and then for slipping down inside. They didn’t say, “Thank you Rick for saving his life – you are such a good brother.”
And I lastly remember my lesson of thinking it was far better to be the bully – and be over responsible – despite that people (or brothers) would not like me and would not get to learn their own hard lessons in life.
This has created a person in my that doesn’t run from responsibility. And it has created a person in me who is not afraid to ask questions – hold others accountable – and worry less about what others think – knowing the result is far greater than avoiding it.
4. What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?
I am not as altruistically giving as I think I should be. I sometimes wonder if I am too responsible for only myself. And yet – when I think I should do more – I struggle with the question of why – and if that answer is actually altruistic?
Right now – I am in a bit of a “limited responsibility” phase of my life. I am taking a break from being responsible for hundreds – and narrowing down my list a little, to insure I am doing enough for a few rather than a little for many.
I do want to be more responsible for knowing WHY I am voting for Obama this year. When I read recently in Time magazine that only 25% people can actually show how their selection of a candidate is because they can specifically point to that candidate, and their belief, and how they are aligned to their own beliefs. To me – that is a right we have. And I want to be more responsible.
5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world?
America can’t save the world. We shouldn’t save the world. I believe we have a “responsibility” to help others help themselves. But too often, we believe no one else in the world can do it like we can – and so we rush in to show people how to do it our way.
We are over extended as a nation. Our government – and our people – have to much debt. We borrow – hoping some miracle will come about to make it all better. And we over use supply side economics to get people to believe that an investment in one will create two. But we have just learned that this investment of one is getting us seventy five percent on the dollar.
I know that fact tell us that with the wealth of the world distributed, no one would have to be hungry, poor or in ill health. But I don’t think that is the responsibility of the world. My earlier principle of helping people to help themselves governs my thinking here. I want to save all oppressed people in the world – but I don’t know how we can. When we attack the oppressors – we pay a price. And we may not help the oppressed.
I have a feeling that as I get older, my thoughts on this rather selfish perspective of democracy will start to evolve to a more independent view of social responsibility and discussion on what is a human privilege or a human right.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
RESPONSIBIITY: Peter Waring
1. What is your principle on RESPONSIBILITY. And how does that play out in your life? (principle defined as: set of beliefs that guide your actions).
The Australian Bar Exam which I took earlier in the year, imbues each aspiring lawyer with a strong sense of the importance of professional responsibility. It is perhaps a measure of how far the reputation of lawyers has fallen as a result of a few taking advantage of legal privileges and exploiting their power advantage over clients. Lawyers who screw their clients (literally and figuratively); lawyers engaged in fraud, malfeasance, crime and all kinds of other nefarious activity. These people failed to recognise that responsibility shadows rights and privileges – this is I suppose my own guiding belief.
Living in a civil and functioning society requires all members to be fundamentally responsible. Having said this, to err is to be human and all of us sometimes fall short of acting responsibly.
2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from? Does it come from religious beliefs? As an offshoot from philosophical principles like “the golden rule? Does it rise out of fear? Is it a requirement of being human?
I think it was Socrates who spoke of the ‘first moral reaction of man’. What do you do when you see a person bleeding and in distress in the street? What do you do if a group of thugs threaten a stranger in the subway car you are riding? What do you do if you learn that your colleagues are involved in corporate fraud as Sherron Watkins did at Enron? These situations require great personal courage and a sense of higher responsibility.
For me the sense of what I would personally do in these kinds of situations arises from what Freud would describe as a strong ‘super-ego’ developed by my parents who embody the principle of ‘self-sacrifice’ and higher purpose.
3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible
I guess like many young people going through their rites of passage, I had an especially bad night when drowning in a toilet became a real possibility after downing far too many tequila shots. The next day I vowed never to be so cavalier with my life again.
4. What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?
I’m writing this the day after the Dow dropped another 8% or so and in the week after Richard Fuld (former CEO of the now bankrupt Lehman Brothers) did his best to justify the half billion dollars or so he ripped out of the company.
Clearly the issue of corporate responsibility has become acute to the point of potentially becoming a more significant issue then global terrorism. Certainly its absence has threatened the world in a way that terrorism hasn’t.
Our stewards of industry, leaders of banks, regulators and individual shareholders and consumers need to build a far more sustainable capitalist model in which we all exercise greater responsibility and restraint.
5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world? Is a country responsible for something greater than their country?
I think everyone in the world has a responsibility to protect and uphold human rights. Rick mentioned Darfur and I note that in one of the recent Presidential debates, Obama was asked a similar question. His answer was brilliant – if we had chance to prevent the Jewish Holocaust of course we would. The world may have had a chance to intervene in the Rwandan genocide but failed. The problem is that these global situations are almost always nuanced and occasionally factually ambiguous – yet where there is clear evidence of severe abuse of human rights, history tells us we should act.
The Australian Bar Exam which I took earlier in the year, imbues each aspiring lawyer with a strong sense of the importance of professional responsibility. It is perhaps a measure of how far the reputation of lawyers has fallen as a result of a few taking advantage of legal privileges and exploiting their power advantage over clients. Lawyers who screw their clients (literally and figuratively); lawyers engaged in fraud, malfeasance, crime and all kinds of other nefarious activity. These people failed to recognise that responsibility shadows rights and privileges – this is I suppose my own guiding belief.
Living in a civil and functioning society requires all members to be fundamentally responsible. Having said this, to err is to be human and all of us sometimes fall short of acting responsibly.
2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from? Does it come from religious beliefs? As an offshoot from philosophical principles like “the golden rule? Does it rise out of fear? Is it a requirement of being human?
I think it was Socrates who spoke of the ‘first moral reaction of man’. What do you do when you see a person bleeding and in distress in the street? What do you do if a group of thugs threaten a stranger in the subway car you are riding? What do you do if you learn that your colleagues are involved in corporate fraud as Sherron Watkins did at Enron? These situations require great personal courage and a sense of higher responsibility.
For me the sense of what I would personally do in these kinds of situations arises from what Freud would describe as a strong ‘super-ego’ developed by my parents who embody the principle of ‘self-sacrifice’ and higher purpose.
3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible
I guess like many young people going through their rites of passage, I had an especially bad night when drowning in a toilet became a real possibility after downing far too many tequila shots. The next day I vowed never to be so cavalier with my life again.
4. What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?
I’m writing this the day after the Dow dropped another 8% or so and in the week after Richard Fuld (former CEO of the now bankrupt Lehman Brothers) did his best to justify the half billion dollars or so he ripped out of the company.
Clearly the issue of corporate responsibility has become acute to the point of potentially becoming a more significant issue then global terrorism. Certainly its absence has threatened the world in a way that terrorism hasn’t.
Our stewards of industry, leaders of banks, regulators and individual shareholders and consumers need to build a far more sustainable capitalist model in which we all exercise greater responsibility and restraint.
5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world? Is a country responsible for something greater than their country?
I think everyone in the world has a responsibility to protect and uphold human rights. Rick mentioned Darfur and I note that in one of the recent Presidential debates, Obama was asked a similar question. His answer was brilliant – if we had chance to prevent the Jewish Holocaust of course we would. The world may have had a chance to intervene in the Rwandan genocide but failed. The problem is that these global situations are almost always nuanced and occasionally factually ambiguous – yet where there is clear evidence of severe abuse of human rights, history tells us we should act.
RESPONSIBILITY: Andreas
1. What is your principle on RESPONSIBILITY. And how does that play out in your life?
For reasons unknown to me, responsibility is the Big Thing. The Right Thing. Something I like and respect, something I consider a cornerstone of society. Big words, but true words. I am one of those people who have a hard time walking into a room without being elected or appointed something. Do I want that? Well, yes, often times I do. Often times I don't. But since Taking Responsibility is the Right Thing, I find myself taking a lot of it. Perhaps because I am a big brother?
2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from?
It's a human foundation. An attempt at the idea of the greater good.
3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible?
That ”irresponsible” and ”Andreas” might be good for each other sometimes – but we don't like to hang out.
4. What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?
I am listening to Wham! as I write this. I should probably take active responsibility and click my iTunes forward. But hell, I like them! At least sometimes! No, seriously: All small personal responsibility is the key to larger responsibilities. Apathy amongst young people who don't have the decency to vote in their national elections, that's one thing that drives me crazy. People who say ”I wasn't informed” when information is free.
5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world? How do you decide what you are responsible for?
Yes, but only in the personal meeting. Do I meet someone thirsty while taking a walk in the desert? I will share my water. But will I sell all my assets to bring water to everyone who needs it? Probably not. I might help contribue somehow – charity, opinion-making – but the actual physical helping hand can't help everyone. And how do we decide? Well, most of us don't. We take a shot from the hip and let decisions be made for us.
For reasons unknown to me, responsibility is the Big Thing. The Right Thing. Something I like and respect, something I consider a cornerstone of society. Big words, but true words. I am one of those people who have a hard time walking into a room without being elected or appointed something. Do I want that? Well, yes, often times I do. Often times I don't. But since Taking Responsibility is the Right Thing, I find myself taking a lot of it. Perhaps because I am a big brother?
2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from?
It's a human foundation. An attempt at the idea of the greater good.
3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible?
That ”irresponsible” and ”Andreas” might be good for each other sometimes – but we don't like to hang out.
4. What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?
I am listening to Wham! as I write this. I should probably take active responsibility and click my iTunes forward. But hell, I like them! At least sometimes! No, seriously: All small personal responsibility is the key to larger responsibilities. Apathy amongst young people who don't have the decency to vote in their national elections, that's one thing that drives me crazy. People who say ”I wasn't informed” when information is free.
5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world? How do you decide what you are responsible for?
Yes, but only in the personal meeting. Do I meet someone thirsty while taking a walk in the desert? I will share my water. But will I sell all my assets to bring water to everyone who needs it? Probably not. I might help contribue somehow – charity, opinion-making – but the actual physical helping hand can't help everyone. And how do we decide? Well, most of us don't. We take a shot from the hip and let decisions be made for us.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
WEEK TWO: Five Questions on RESPONSIBILITY
WEEK TWO: Five Questions on RESPONSIBILITY
AUTHOR IN CHARGE OF THIS WEEK: Rick Von Feldt
RESPONSIBILITY is defined as, “the quality or state of being responsible: as a: moral, legal, or mental accountability”
1. What is your principle on RESPONSIBILITY. And how does that play out in your life? (principle defined as: set of beliefs that guide your actions).
2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from? Does it come from religious beliefs? As an offshoot from philosophical principles like “the golden rule? Does it rise out of fear? Is it a requirement of being human?
3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible
4. What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?
5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world? Is a country responsible for something greater than their country? America is often criticized for being more responsible than others in the world believe they should be. Is that responsibility or something else? On the other hand, The United Nations estimates that the conflict in Darfur has left as many as 500,000 dead from violence and disease. The United States Holocaust Memorial Museum estimates that 100,000 have died each year because of government attacks. Most non-governmental organizations use 200,000 to more than 400,000. How do you decide what you are responsible for?
BACKGROUND ON THE QUESTION
Dear readers – my apologies for dropping the ball over the last 10 days on our next set of questions. There are details behind the reason, including a misunderstanding with another author as well as my own “under the weather” reasons, but let me get back to the mission at hand. (You can ready more about my own situation at my blog – listed in the left hand column).
Since I needed to provide a second weeks worth of questions, I debated for several days on what to write next. It has been a struggle.
Like many Americans, we are in shock as the melt down of our economy. Investments are going away. Markets are down. Bank accounts are down. For me personally – it of course affects me dramatically – as my “future” life of choice was a little dependent upon my savings not only doing well – but staying around. Oh well. Time to be flexible!
I thought about having the economy be central to this week’s set of questions. But it surely was only a US crisis, right? But on Monday, the global economy became infected, proving that the world is smaller than ever. Not only was America hoping to make a fast buck, but we talked the rest of the world in to buying portfolios based upon this “upside potential” promise.
So, the crisis is now a global crisis. But is this worth writing about?
Instead, I am choosing to ask FIVE QUESTIONS around a related theme: RESPONSIBILITY.
In my opinion, this is central to not only the financial crisis, our American election – but it is something that Americans are learning harshly in a lesson. Our government hasn’t been responsible. Many people haven’t been responsible. And now – we are paying a price.
So – let’s talk about RESPONSIBILITY – and five questions around it…
AUTHOR IN CHARGE OF THIS WEEK: Rick Von Feldt
RESPONSIBILITY is defined as, “the quality or state of being responsible: as a: moral, legal, or mental accountability”
1. What is your principle on RESPONSIBILITY. And how does that play out in your life? (principle defined as: set of beliefs that guide your actions).
2. Where does the principle of responsibility come from? Does it come from religious beliefs? As an offshoot from philosophical principles like “the golden rule? Does it rise out of fear? Is it a requirement of being human?
3. What is something you learned from being irresponsible
4. What is an example in the world today in which you, or someone greater than you needs to take more responsibility?
5. Is everyone in the world “responsible” for everyone else in the world? Is a country responsible for something greater than their country? America is often criticized for being more responsible than others in the world believe they should be. Is that responsibility or something else? On the other hand, The United Nations estimates that the conflict in Darfur has left as many as 500,000 dead from violence and disease. The United States Holocaust Memorial Museum estimates that 100,000 have died each year because of government attacks. Most non-governmental organizations use 200,000 to more than 400,000. How do you decide what you are responsible for?
BACKGROUND ON THE QUESTION
Dear readers – my apologies for dropping the ball over the last 10 days on our next set of questions. There are details behind the reason, including a misunderstanding with another author as well as my own “under the weather” reasons, but let me get back to the mission at hand. (You can ready more about my own situation at my blog – listed in the left hand column).
Since I needed to provide a second weeks worth of questions, I debated for several days on what to write next. It has been a struggle.
Like many Americans, we are in shock as the melt down of our economy. Investments are going away. Markets are down. Bank accounts are down. For me personally – it of course affects me dramatically – as my “future” life of choice was a little dependent upon my savings not only doing well – but staying around. Oh well. Time to be flexible!
I thought about having the economy be central to this week’s set of questions. But it surely was only a US crisis, right? But on Monday, the global economy became infected, proving that the world is smaller than ever. Not only was America hoping to make a fast buck, but we talked the rest of the world in to buying portfolios based upon this “upside potential” promise.
So, the crisis is now a global crisis. But is this worth writing about?
Instead, I am choosing to ask FIVE QUESTIONS around a related theme: RESPONSIBILITY.
In my opinion, this is central to not only the financial crisis, our American election – but it is something that Americans are learning harshly in a lesson. Our government hasn’t been responsible. Many people haven’t been responsible. And now – we are paying a price.
So – let’s talk about RESPONSIBILITY – and five questions around it…
Monday, October 6, 2008
ATTACHMENT: Sherry Zhang
1. What Are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?
2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment? (Attachment Survey)
One is the lack of individualism due to my growing environment and the normal collectivism culture in China. I have been always taught to take care of others in my childhood - to my sisters, to guests that visited our home and to classmates of the school as I had been almost always as the class monitor Till today, I am often descripted by my peers as like a "elder sister" to take care of everyone in the team... when I see the needs from my partner, I feel the obligation to stay on and offer my help. Interestingly, this may also comes out from inherit of my parents. Though often my father would scold my mom as "you are not the saviour", I saw my father never rejected any requests from his patients even when he retired and those patients just came to my parents' apartment for free treatment.
3. Is someone too attached to you?
4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig
5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you? (See interesting idea on “core beliefs” by Erza Bayda link below)
I indeed spent a little bit time to understand the phrase of "attachment" and got better understanding when I finished the reading of all others' response; and after conducting the survey of my attachment style. If we could go beyond the context of relationship, I would say, I might have attached too much with my work, my current romantic relationship, nice clothes and household goods, some habit from my childhood... And, maybe all of these links to the feeling of security.
I came from a rural area of China - northwest China where connects to eight countries at the board area like Russia, Afghanistan..etc. The living in hometown was poor but pleasant. As the eldest at home for 3 younger sisters, I was expected to be the role model, the leader to share the live burden with my parents, bring positive impact to my sisters and meet the expectation of "being the ridgepole" when I grow up. The living condition, lifestyle and culture of that location as well as the attention from my parents impacted me to be a person that maybe subconsciously worry about the scarcity of resources - therefore, you have to work extremely hard to earn them, this might have been reflected on my hardworking, my strong sense of caring and being loved, my yearn for nice materials - just to make myself feel secure.
Does the above attachments bring me pain, suffering and negative impact than pleasure and benefit? I think they provide me both feelings at different stage of life. Example as one of my younger sisters - she is used to "go with the flow of life" - in a negative way, no planning, lazy to prepare and relative passive on taking iniatives (or doesn't know how to) to build up relationship... When my father shared his strong concern on her life, I often comfort him that human beings intend to live in a life that he/she feels most comfortable. When the pain grows over the benefit, she will reinvent herself. I can see that she lives in the life of obtuse pain and pleasant of the moment. I'm going to talk about how this may reflect/affect me on my relationship in the responses to coming questions.
2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment? (Attachment Survey)
The survey says that I "fall into the preoccupied quadrant. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can often interfere with their relationships".
I was given the comments that I have a "big heart", and I have been surprised to be aware of my tolerance and patience on handling conflict during the relationship... sometimes I was totally confused by myself with my tolerance. To dig it, I think it may come out from the following two sources:
One is the lack of individualism due to my growing environment and the normal collectivism culture in China. I have been always taught to take care of others in my childhood - to my sisters, to guests that visited our home and to classmates of the school as I had been almost always as the class monitor Till today, I am often descripted by my peers as like a "elder sister" to take care of everyone in the team... when I see the needs from my partner, I feel the obligation to stay on and offer my help. Interestingly, this may also comes out from inherit of my parents. Though often my father would scold my mom as "you are not the saviour", I saw my father never rejected any requests from his patients even when he retired and those patients just came to my parents' apartment for free treatment.
I think the other reason may come out from my inner belief of taking the suffer as a challenge and only move on when I feel I overcome it. I experienced two serious relationships before I got married. In each, I had pleasant, suffering, tears, back and forth on breaking up... each lasted for 3-4 years. It seems it's not easy for me to just break with people quickly and decidedly - that's why when I watched "the Sex and City", I often was really surprised to see how quick they can get in and out a relationship (maybe even for Americans, that's just a show - I'll need other authors' comments on this point). To me, I just feel when the time is right, the relationship will be "terminated" naturally, and when such time comes, I feel ease and peaceful in my mind. It's just the cost of such "natual maturity" may become too high when I'm getting older and older. But this is also part of life experience. Some people enjoy "quick and diverse" relationships, while for me, the lessons might be deep and thorough in each relationship, until you're released naturally (or sometimes, "exhausted"). I could also be viewed as too stubborn. In my professional life, I once experienced really "bad" peer and boss, and I struggled and stopped idea of escape - it's so easy to change a job with higher pay in China. But I insisted and figured out how to deal with them, then I move on with relief in my mind and feel proud that I did not give up, and I can handle such people in the future. Not sure if this also applies to my personal relationship.
3. Is someone too attached to you?
I can easily attach to people who are around me. Sometimes, I need to be cautious on keeping distance with my working peers whom I really appreciate and enjoy talking to therefore to avoid favorism and bias to team members. But "over attachment" may happen on my relationship with my husband. I once moaned he did not care me as I cared him, and then I realized that different people have different way to express their emotion and he is just different than me. But when I am also clear that he is just more selfish and immature, my "altruism" starts to effect mischievously. On one side, I want to run away and be in a relationship that I can feel be loved and cared; the other side, I feel the needs from him to me. And this sometimes makes me intentionally contribute more in the relationship just expect that my change will support him to grow up. And sadly, I seems still not find the key. Or maybe the key is in my mind and the solution is easy - as some of my friends said "you deserve more and better". I just can't to make that decision now. To me, the decision seems not as easy as "get rid of the life and reinvent myself", it's even not the scare of worse life, it's just a cross I have on my back now. Maybe when the time is right, I will move on and feel ease in my mind.
4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig
I have some difficutlies to understand thoroughly the quote given my English level. After reading Rick's answer, I know where he came from as we recently had the wonderful chat of "dream". I think my answers to the above questions may have shared some of my thoughts relates to the quote. My suffering comes out from all the attachments I have which corelates to the growing experience I had. And if I'm a type of person that not care or think so much (or not at a position to be forced to think so much by a guy named Rick), my life could be easier. I am a Sagittarius, if I believe some of the saying about it, I believe my suffer comes out from the yearning for freedom from the bottom of my heart ("like to be free as the wind that blows") while I came out from the experience that I've been so used to take care of others' feeling - on some of the life choice I made, I think I'm scared to disppoint people who are important to me (like my parents). I know you may say but life is yours, yes, it's because of that, I know I would also suffer if I sense that I disppointed my parents or hurt others that I care. I'm still struggling in mind but not in a bad way, as I'm also learning and exploring pleasant from the journey.
5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you? (See interesting idea on “core beliefs” by Erza Bayda link below)
As shared in the above answers, I guess I'm the one that not decisive enough at this stage of my life to get rid of the life I'm having - maybe not planned. I still have the dream on my list of chasing wonderful relationship and be a freelanced consultant as the last phase of my professional life. And I believe I'm on the way to the life I am dreaming, it may just take longer time for me to go there, and it takes effort and sincerity if I avoid to be hurt too much and to hurt others too much - in my mind, there is the visual image now that a person is crossing the thorns, it indeed takes more effort not to be hurt and not break too much tress...
Okay, I dare to go back and read each of the answers I made to the above questions. I admit that I've been really honest, to people who know me. And I appreciate your patience to read through them.
Time to go to bed - it's almost my 2am and I am not the one on sabbatical time. Luckily I'm still in jet lag of flying back from SF last night so that I can finish this tough task, but worthy! Thanks, Rick, and thanks for all other authors' sharing.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
ATTACHMENT - Bob Riel
1. What are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?
Is it possible to be too attached to geography? Here is why I ask: I love oceans and seasons, and I love urban environments. Left to my own devices and with enough finances, I'd live in Boston or New York, or in a smaller town by the ocean. However, I find myself in a suburban environment in Arizona, in the middle of the desert. There are excellent reasons for this - my wife is from Tucson, she has a great job, her family is here, and the cost of living is low. But I'm unable to escape my attachment to a different geography, my desire for a different environment.
Does this provide more pain than pleasure? I can't say yes to that when I see my son getting to know his extended family on my wife's side (a situation that isn't fully possible with my family, with parents and siblings sprinkled across Rhode Island, Florida and Utah). I can't say yes when I see how happy my wife is in her job. I can't say yes when I see that we can afford a nice home here for the price of a tiny apartment on the East or West coasts. But if there is not more pain than pleasure, then there is at least some angst. It would be easier, of course, to let go of my desire for any idealized environment whatsoever and to simply "be" in the present. But I'm human and I unfortunately haven't mastered the art of living according to an abstract ideal.
2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment?
No. The survey indicates I fall into the secure quadrant. After seven years of marriage and more than a decade in the same relationship, I might begin to worry if the survey showed a different result.
3. Is someone too attached to you?
I don't think so. My wife and son are fairly attached to me (as far as I can tell), but to be "too" attached in my mind implies an unhealthy dependency. My wife is not dependent on me to be a strong, vital person in her own right, and my son is 12 months old so being attached sort of comes with the territory. If any attachment is loving and doesn't cross over into dependency, then I'm unable to define it as "too attached." I love Andreas' answer - "Daring to be attached is a part of daring to love to the fullest."
4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig
There is some truth in this statement, and perhaps it relates a little to my answer to the first question, but the quote doesn't grab me or shake me. The suggestion that suffering is caused in part by my desire to seek "personal identity in the world of forms" may resonate from a theological/philosophical perspective, but I'm too wrapped up in the world of forms at the moment to even desire release from a personal identity. Perhaps that's unfortunate from Chuck's perspective, but I rather like grappling with the wonders and the challenges of the world of forms.
5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you?
This is a very interesting question. I've always believed that the answer to this was an obvious yes, and I have in fact reinvented myself a few times. But I'm also realizing that the further one gets into life, each new direction may be more challenging than the one before it, as our lives are slowly constructed over a foundation of all of our earlier choices.
I find it intriguing, actually, how life unfurls as a series of independent decisions that, in their totality, become our lives and may even lead us far from where we began. In my case, for instance - Do I want to get married? Take time off from work to travel? Write a book about these travels? Move to Arizona for a job for my wife? Have a child? Until one day, these choices deposited me in my current life, as a part-time writer, part-time stay-at-home Dad in the Arizona desert. And the thing is, I know this will evolve and change, as well. So I look at life with a sort of wonder at how these varied decisions congeal and become part of a larger reality.
So, yes, I'm able to get rid of the life I've planned and to reinvent myself. I know this because I've done it. But I do think that my desire and ability to do this dwindles just a bit with each passing year.
Is it possible to be too attached to geography? Here is why I ask: I love oceans and seasons, and I love urban environments. Left to my own devices and with enough finances, I'd live in Boston or New York, or in a smaller town by the ocean. However, I find myself in a suburban environment in Arizona, in the middle of the desert. There are excellent reasons for this - my wife is from Tucson, she has a great job, her family is here, and the cost of living is low. But I'm unable to escape my attachment to a different geography, my desire for a different environment.
Does this provide more pain than pleasure? I can't say yes to that when I see my son getting to know his extended family on my wife's side (a situation that isn't fully possible with my family, with parents and siblings sprinkled across Rhode Island, Florida and Utah). I can't say yes when I see how happy my wife is in her job. I can't say yes when I see that we can afford a nice home here for the price of a tiny apartment on the East or West coasts. But if there is not more pain than pleasure, then there is at least some angst. It would be easier, of course, to let go of my desire for any idealized environment whatsoever and to simply "be" in the present. But I'm human and I unfortunately haven't mastered the art of living according to an abstract ideal.
2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment?
No. The survey indicates I fall into the secure quadrant. After seven years of marriage and more than a decade in the same relationship, I might begin to worry if the survey showed a different result.
3. Is someone too attached to you?
I don't think so. My wife and son are fairly attached to me (as far as I can tell), but to be "too" attached in my mind implies an unhealthy dependency. My wife is not dependent on me to be a strong, vital person in her own right, and my son is 12 months old so being attached sort of comes with the territory. If any attachment is loving and doesn't cross over into dependency, then I'm unable to define it as "too attached." I love Andreas' answer - "Daring to be attached is a part of daring to love to the fullest."
4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig
There is some truth in this statement, and perhaps it relates a little to my answer to the first question, but the quote doesn't grab me or shake me. The suggestion that suffering is caused in part by my desire to seek "personal identity in the world of forms" may resonate from a theological/philosophical perspective, but I'm too wrapped up in the world of forms at the moment to even desire release from a personal identity. Perhaps that's unfortunate from Chuck's perspective, but I rather like grappling with the wonders and the challenges of the world of forms.
5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you?
This is a very interesting question. I've always believed that the answer to this was an obvious yes, and I have in fact reinvented myself a few times. But I'm also realizing that the further one gets into life, each new direction may be more challenging than the one before it, as our lives are slowly constructed over a foundation of all of our earlier choices.
I find it intriguing, actually, how life unfurls as a series of independent decisions that, in their totality, become our lives and may even lead us far from where we began. In my case, for instance - Do I want to get married? Take time off from work to travel? Write a book about these travels? Move to Arizona for a job for my wife? Have a child? Until one day, these choices deposited me in my current life, as a part-time writer, part-time stay-at-home Dad in the Arizona desert. And the thing is, I know this will evolve and change, as well. So I look at life with a sort of wonder at how these varied decisions congeal and become part of a larger reality.
So, yes, I'm able to get rid of the life I've planned and to reinvent myself. I know this because I've done it. But I do think that my desire and ability to do this dwindles just a bit with each passing year.
Friday, October 3, 2008
ATTACHMENT: Ramak Siadatan
(Posted by Rick from email sent to me by Ramak)
1. What Are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?
Sometimes, it is hard to let go of your security blanket. When I was very young, it was literally a blanket...and I eventually tripped on it. A little older, and it was my teddy bear, Charlie. He and I tumbled down the escalator and scared every one of the movie theater patrons within eye/earshot. Older still, and it was that first relationship that should have ended long before it ended. I don't think I get attached to things that are bad for me...sometimes, I think I just stay attached a little too long, and that's when it can hurt. This brings us to right now. What am I still attached to that I shouldn't be? I don't know. And there's a good chance I won't know until it's too late. But when I do find out, it will make for yet another great story in my current life chapter.
2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment? (link: http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
"Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the secure quadrant. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that secure people tend to have relatively enduring and satisfying relationships. They are comfortable expressing their emotions, and tend not to suffer from depression and other psychological disorders."
Whew. What a relief. =) Ok, not really much of a relief...I think I already knew that. The survey definitely reinforces something I've learned over the last ten years (and remember, I'm not that old, so 10 years is a LOT!). In romantic relationships, the more secure you are with yourself, the easier it is to be with someone and recognize that while you don't want to lose that person, you aren't afraid to lose them.
3. Is someone too attached to you?
I come from a culture of passionate, loving people. It is very hard for me to think someone is "too attached" to me. My wife, for example, is quite capable of taking care of herself...but she, like me, chooses to be attached. And we like it that way. I am thankful for each person in my life that is pushing the boundaries of being too attached. I wouldn't want it any other way. They are wonderful human beings.
4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig
With all due respect to Chuck, that's a little too scientific a response for my taste. Do I agree with him? I'm sure I agree with what I think he's trying to say. For example, perhaps you are suffering in a relationship because you can't tear yourself away from a bad situation. It goes back to that notion of being in love versus being in love with the idea of being in love...or sometimes, more simply, just being too comfortable to want to change your situation. But there is a big difference between a "desire to be free of something" and a *need* to be free of something. Many times in life we need something that we don't want.
5. What Are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?
I suppose I can get rid of the life I planned, because I plan at a very high level. Long ago, I learned that life doesn't work for me if the plan is too detailed. I know I want to enjoy my family, learn from people, teach people, help the ones I love. And as I explore and grow and change, so do my plans. In some respects, I get rid of different parts of my life plan all the time and replace them with new ones. The trick is too be consistent with who I am and what I feel I'm about as life, and the world around me, changes.
1. What Are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?
Sometimes, it is hard to let go of your security blanket. When I was very young, it was literally a blanket...and I eventually tripped on it. A little older, and it was my teddy bear, Charlie. He and I tumbled down the escalator and scared every one of the movie theater patrons within eye/earshot. Older still, and it was that first relationship that should have ended long before it ended. I don't think I get attached to things that are bad for me...sometimes, I think I just stay attached a little too long, and that's when it can hurt. This brings us to right now. What am I still attached to that I shouldn't be? I don't know. And there's a good chance I won't know until it's too late. But when I do find out, it will make for yet another great story in my current life chapter.
2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment? (link: http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
"Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the secure quadrant. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that secure people tend to have relatively enduring and satisfying relationships. They are comfortable expressing their emotions, and tend not to suffer from depression and other psychological disorders."
Whew. What a relief. =) Ok, not really much of a relief...I think I already knew that. The survey definitely reinforces something I've learned over the last ten years (and remember, I'm not that old, so 10 years is a LOT!). In romantic relationships, the more secure you are with yourself, the easier it is to be with someone and recognize that while you don't want to lose that person, you aren't afraid to lose them.
3. Is someone too attached to you?
I come from a culture of passionate, loving people. It is very hard for me to think someone is "too attached" to me. My wife, for example, is quite capable of taking care of herself...but she, like me, chooses to be attached. And we like it that way. I am thankful for each person in my life that is pushing the boundaries of being too attached. I wouldn't want it any other way. They are wonderful human beings.
4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig
With all due respect to Chuck, that's a little too scientific a response for my taste. Do I agree with him? I'm sure I agree with what I think he's trying to say. For example, perhaps you are suffering in a relationship because you can't tear yourself away from a bad situation. It goes back to that notion of being in love versus being in love with the idea of being in love...or sometimes, more simply, just being too comfortable to want to change your situation. But there is a big difference between a "desire to be free of something" and a *need* to be free of something. Many times in life we need something that we don't want.
5. What Are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?
I suppose I can get rid of the life I planned, because I plan at a very high level. Long ago, I learned that life doesn't work for me if the plan is too detailed. I know I want to enjoy my family, learn from people, teach people, help the ones I love. And as I explore and grow and change, so do my plans. In some respects, I get rid of different parts of my life plan all the time and replace them with new ones. The trick is too be consistent with who I am and what I feel I'm about as life, and the world around me, changes.
Happy Birthday to Peter
A very special birthday wish to FQOF author Peter Waring. We hope that dad is having a great day today in Singapore - no doubt spending time playing with his second love of his life - little Jack (picture - and an outdated one at that! Hint. Hint!)
Peter - did you get a chance for a little time for self by days end? It is not often you get a birthday on a Friday?
Happy birthday!
ATTACHMENT - Eduardo Infante
1. What are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?
My comfort zone. As surprising as it is, I am rather aware than I am in a comfort zone, and I’ve been doing very little lately to get out of it. Mmhh, in fact, it’s not even like I just realized that I’m living in as comfort zone. It’s more as if I’ve been aware about it for months, perhaps years, and time has elapsed without me trying to do something to stop it.
2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment?
No, it does not. I think I’ve known about my attachments since a long time ago. Therefore, the attachment score is not surprising at all. If something, it reminds me that I could always take some risks and start dis-attaching myself from stuff that it’s simply “not allowing me to fly”.
I believe so. The practical answer would be my daughters are. Yet, at ages 4 and 6, I’m very aware that, if for some reason I disappeared from their lives, it could always be a bummer, but they’d have the capacity to adjust. That’s the gift we all receive from God, the capacity to adjust and make changes. I’ve always believed that one tends to forget about it as you grow old, though.
Now, my wife Amira might be a little different. Sometimes, I have the feeling she’s too attached and too dependant on me. Yet, from time to time I like to remind myself that I’m not that important, either. Nobody is. In the end, you are born, and die, alone.
Just like Andreas does, I don’t think that suffering has to do that much with mathematics as it has to do with feelings and people’s personal experiences. What I do believe is correct, nonetheless, is the fact that attachments, hatred, and not guilt are key components to a miserable life. The more you have them, the smaller the chance to ride a happy life you get.
5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you?
Yes, everybody is able to do such thing. Are we willing to? Are we aware that we can? Do we want to? Are we fearful about it? Are we able to ponder the pros and the cons? Is comfort too big of an issue in our lives so that we rather play it safe? When some of these questions come into play, it gets more, and more, and more complicated. In my case, it’s evident I have not taken a step forward to even take a glance out of the window to see the life that’s been waiting for me and that I have not dared to go greeting.
(Temporary update from Author Sherry Zhang)
A note from author SHERRY ZHANG. Sherry is visiting the United States this week, and had hoped to write her response to week one. However, her traveling and camping will slow her down a little. Sherry writes:
Dear Rick,
Just let you know that I have difficulties to access to internet in the small Inn I’m staying at Carmel-Monterrey... We went to Yosemite National Park yesterday from SF, stayed in a camp last night, hiked for 4 hours this morning, then drove back to Carmel-Monterrey today. The plan is to visit the place named as “17 miles drive” near the sea. We’ll then leave for the airport the day after tomorrow.
Given the difficulties to access to internet, I’ll have to respond your questions when I’m back to China – I’m now writing via my blackberry - surprisingly, I explored how to write email on my blackberry through yahoo mailbox. But the speed is too slow.
So, in case you’re online, you’ll know where I am and what I’m doing.
The travel so far is amazing! The view from Yosemite back to Carmel-Monterrey is as “vast” and & “broad” as I experienced in my hometown. I feel I just started to experience US.
Dear Rick,
Just let you know that I have difficulties to access to internet in the small Inn I’m staying at Carmel-Monterrey... We went to Yosemite National Park yesterday from SF, stayed in a camp last night, hiked for 4 hours this morning, then drove back to Carmel-Monterrey today. The plan is to visit the place named as “17 miles drive” near the sea. We’ll then leave for the airport the day after tomorrow.
Given the difficulties to access to internet, I’ll have to respond your questions when I’m back to China – I’m now writing via my blackberry - surprisingly, I explored how to write email on my blackberry through yahoo mailbox. But the speed is too slow.
So, in case you’re online, you’ll know where I am and what I’m doing.
The travel so far is amazing! The view from Yosemite back to Carmel-Monterrey is as “vast” and & “broad” as I experienced in my hometown. I feel I just started to experience US.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
ATTACHMENT - Rick Von Feldt
1. What Are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negative than than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?
How do you answer this?
Do you first begin by asking, “where do I feel pain in my life?”
Do you ask “what don’t I like about my life or myself?”
I see so many people who don’t like what they are doing – who they are. Or maybe more specifically – people who want to do something different. But they have attachments. And so I thought it was interesting to look at those attachments.
I think my worst “foe attachment” at the moment is the sense for achievement. For the last 5-10 years, I was attached to the chase for achievement (as measured by my professional climb) and wealth accumulation. Each gave me some strong sense of accomplishments. I still sometimes rely on that when I look backwards. But it is interesting how short lived it can be. Four months ago, I was a vice president. Now, I am just a guy who sits at home in his boxer shorts if he wants to. Four months ago – I had some money. But with the economy – and much of that money in the stock market – I have about 40% less money.
So – those things go away.
A second “attachment” challenge comes in my “list” that ultimately sets about expectation. My brain allows me to think of so many exciting things I want to do. Now that I have time – I have no excuses. But then, I get out my “to do” list – and I see literally hundreds of things I want to do – people I want to communicate with – things I want to try. And soon – even though I am relatively free – I see this huge LIST of things that I want to do.
So – do I just give up the list? Do I just “do” whatever comes to mind at the moment? That would be hard – since at the end of each day, I have this inclination to want to think about what I did (accomplish) for the day. It was the beauty perhaps of what has allowed me to be who I am. But this “attachment” to accomplishment also creates angst in my life. And I am not sure exactly if I like it. Or if I want to get rid of it. None-the-less, it has been a part of my DNA for most of my life. It isn’t going away soon. But it is good for me to be aware of.
2.. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment? (Attachment Survey)
As I started to think about the ten people in this group – I realize that I may not have been as focused on diversity as I should have been. Of the ten people, only two of us are not married. And of the 8 that are married, I think that six of the eight are pretty darn happy about it.
So – I am the odd, unattached, single guy. And the only one who is happy about it. I am the only one of the ten that has not given in to marriage – and attachment to another a serious chance.
I guess it should not be surprising then, that my “attachment indicator” is described as being in the “dismissing” quadrant. The survey says “Previous research on attachment styles indicates that dismissing people tend to prefer their own autonomy--oftentimes at the expense of their close relationships. Although dismissing people often have high self-confidence, they sometimes come across as hostile or competitive by others, and this often interferes with their close relationships.”
You have to know – I admire and appreciate all of those folks out there that just love being in love. Or at least love being a part of “two.” For me – it is just an odd thing. I have hard time attaching myself to “just one.” But that doesn’t mean that I am not attached to friends. As some of my friends hopefully know, I am fair to good in terms of friendship. I just choose not to do it with only one person.
This survey tells me that I am uncomfortable depending upon others. It is true. For me – that attachment has spelled trouble in the past. I have high expectations – and thus, it is easy to create that world myself. Then I don’t have such pressure on my friends. Although I am sure many of my friends would beg to differ. I do expect a lot.
3. Is someone too attached to you?
When I wrote the question – I expected answers from our parental writers to include attachment from their kids. Most of our parents have young children – ranging from 1 to less than 10. It will be interesting to see how these new millennial kids and “helicopter parents” interact with them as they grow older.
As a single person – I have made a more specific choice to not have people attached to me. My personal philosophy, children aside, is that indeed, adults shouldn’t be too attached. I need my space. My freedom. I need the ability for spontaneity. I am there for friends and family as they need me. But if it moves towards “attachment” – it becomes too much for me. And I make the judgment that it is also not good for others.
I have wondered if there is some genetic or spiritual choice that is “given” to us to be either more or less attached to people. For that matter, it is the same for things. Is it somehow in our DNA or part of a karma that we must either appreciate or void?
The other element of attachment that is present indirectly in my life is that of my grandmother. She is 94 years old. And she is attached to my mother – even tethered. This is something my mother never anticipated. It is something that I don’t think any of ever anticipate. As children at the beginning of our lives, we are attached to our parents. And now, living so long in life, we are now facing this attachment to someone in our old days. It is a fear that I have. I will have no choice to be attached one day. Over the next years, I have to think about how I can hire people to be attached to so I won’t burden my family and friends one day.
I will become attached one day. To whom is the question?
4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig
Based upon the first people writing about this question, this quote clearly said a little more to me than others. For that, I then need to ask myself why this meant something interesting enough to use it as one of my precious questions.
Perhaps it comes from recent discussions with family and friends. Lately, I have been interested in the concept of “dream chasing.” It asks humans to relook at what they dream about doing before they die. Once people sit down and actually think about their dreams – items on a list that many have not thought about for years, it becomes interesting to then ask, “So – what stops you from doing it?”
My recent perspective is that it is “attachments” that threatens people from achieving those dreams. As I scrape away the “why I can’t” – I am starting to see that people are fearful of something that will go away if they start to focus on something else. Often, there is that sense of “I am not sure if I am willing to give up the current, because perhaps the future could be even worse.”
For me, and I also believe for others, the other attachment we often find ourselves focusing on are “expectations.” Somewhere along our way in life, we develop these expectations of “what I though I should do” and “what I thought I should be.” But we get in to the middle of life – and forget to continue to make adjustments on those expectations. Those lingering expectations of what we thought we should or would be doing become attachments that we have to shed in order to reinvent ourselves.
One of the games I play with myself sometimes is “what if?” What other things in life could I be doing if circumstance would not be what they are today. I think I could have been a chef. Or an actor. Or a sales leader. I would be a good teacher. Or a psychologist. But I have attachments to these rules, expectations and even fears in my life that prevent me from believing in those ideas. What would it take for me to become unattached to those ideas and fears?
5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you? (See interesting idea on “core beliefs” by Erza Bayda link below)
I love this notion. Perhaps in asking the question, I was trying to preach. I have walked this talk for much of my career. I love reinvention. I love making the most of the world that I am in. But if I sense one of two things – then I make it my obligation to move on.
First, if I ever feel as if I have “learned most of what I can learn” from any situation, person or place – then I feel obligated to move on. Second, if my soul feels as if it is not inspired or challenged – then I also make myself give up – or become unattached – to those things that have kept me where I am.
I love the idea of reinvention.
But it is a very selfish thought. I make the choice to be single. I know it would be much more difficult if you are a part of a family. Perhaps though, each person in the family could have a designated year for reinvention. Kids included. But remember, I believe in the idea that you have to feel as if you have learned most of what you could learn or your soul yearns to be – do – or try something different.
One last thing. Like Jen, one of my fellow writers, I am a list maker. I love lists. However, I have given up on making “to the end of my life” plans. I have learned that there are too many interesting things and situations out there. I throw myself in to the river of life – and trust that it will bring me to the next exciting learning opportunity. And as of yet, I have not found a company or organization that has been able to harness that creativity and restlessness to keep me around for a long time. Too bad. They could have. But most leaders – managers are so bad at sitting down and understanding the dreams and potentials of their team members that they loose out. Big time.
In one of my lives going forward, I am going to help make that better.
ONE LAST NOTE. I am attached to new tastes! As I write this on a Wednesday evening, I am in San Francisco, eating at a wonderful little restaurant called “Bar Crudo.” Ranked in the top 100 restaurants in San Francisco – and one of Wine Spectators Top 20 in San Francisco, it is a charming small place specializing in the fresh tastes of seafood. I am sitting in a corner, eating wonderful raw fishes and lobster salads. Tables of two and four people all around me buzz with conversation. I try to ignore them. I am on a date with you dear reader. I planed to come here this evening and write about attachment. My work done, I will soon leave, and head to a theatre production of a show called “Rock and Roll.” It is described as, “Nominated for four Tony Awards and direct from record-breaking runs on Broadway, Tom Stoppard's newest sensation, Rock 'n' Roll, hits the A.C.T. stage to smashing reviews. Don't miss this rapturous, decades-spanning tale of passion, politics, and rock music” It should be fun! Have a great week dear readers!
How do you answer this?
Do you first begin by asking, “where do I feel pain in my life?”
Do you ask “what don’t I like about my life or myself?”
I see so many people who don’t like what they are doing – who they are. Or maybe more specifically – people who want to do something different. But they have attachments. And so I thought it was interesting to look at those attachments.
I think my worst “foe attachment” at the moment is the sense for achievement. For the last 5-10 years, I was attached to the chase for achievement (as measured by my professional climb) and wealth accumulation. Each gave me some strong sense of accomplishments. I still sometimes rely on that when I look backwards. But it is interesting how short lived it can be. Four months ago, I was a vice president. Now, I am just a guy who sits at home in his boxer shorts if he wants to. Four months ago – I had some money. But with the economy – and much of that money in the stock market – I have about 40% less money.
So – those things go away.
A second “attachment” challenge comes in my “list” that ultimately sets about expectation. My brain allows me to think of so many exciting things I want to do. Now that I have time – I have no excuses. But then, I get out my “to do” list – and I see literally hundreds of things I want to do – people I want to communicate with – things I want to try. And soon – even though I am relatively free – I see this huge LIST of things that I want to do.
So – do I just give up the list? Do I just “do” whatever comes to mind at the moment? That would be hard – since at the end of each day, I have this inclination to want to think about what I did (accomplish) for the day. It was the beauty perhaps of what has allowed me to be who I am. But this “attachment” to accomplishment also creates angst in my life. And I am not sure exactly if I like it. Or if I want to get rid of it. None-the-less, it has been a part of my DNA for most of my life. It isn’t going away soon. But it is good for me to be aware of.
2.. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment? (Attachment Survey)
As I started to think about the ten people in this group – I realize that I may not have been as focused on diversity as I should have been. Of the ten people, only two of us are not married. And of the 8 that are married, I think that six of the eight are pretty darn happy about it.
So – I am the odd, unattached, single guy. And the only one who is happy about it. I am the only one of the ten that has not given in to marriage – and attachment to another a serious chance.
I guess it should not be surprising then, that my “attachment indicator” is described as being in the “dismissing” quadrant. The survey says “Previous research on attachment styles indicates that dismissing people tend to prefer their own autonomy--oftentimes at the expense of their close relationships. Although dismissing people often have high self-confidence, they sometimes come across as hostile or competitive by others, and this often interferes with their close relationships.”
You have to know – I admire and appreciate all of those folks out there that just love being in love. Or at least love being a part of “two.” For me – it is just an odd thing. I have hard time attaching myself to “just one.” But that doesn’t mean that I am not attached to friends. As some of my friends hopefully know, I am fair to good in terms of friendship. I just choose not to do it with only one person.
This survey tells me that I am uncomfortable depending upon others. It is true. For me – that attachment has spelled trouble in the past. I have high expectations – and thus, it is easy to create that world myself. Then I don’t have such pressure on my friends. Although I am sure many of my friends would beg to differ. I do expect a lot.
3. Is someone too attached to you?
When I wrote the question – I expected answers from our parental writers to include attachment from their kids. Most of our parents have young children – ranging from 1 to less than 10. It will be interesting to see how these new millennial kids and “helicopter parents” interact with them as they grow older.
As a single person – I have made a more specific choice to not have people attached to me. My personal philosophy, children aside, is that indeed, adults shouldn’t be too attached. I need my space. My freedom. I need the ability for spontaneity. I am there for friends and family as they need me. But if it moves towards “attachment” – it becomes too much for me. And I make the judgment that it is also not good for others.
I have wondered if there is some genetic or spiritual choice that is “given” to us to be either more or less attached to people. For that matter, it is the same for things. Is it somehow in our DNA or part of a karma that we must either appreciate or void?
The other element of attachment that is present indirectly in my life is that of my grandmother. She is 94 years old. And she is attached to my mother – even tethered. This is something my mother never anticipated. It is something that I don’t think any of ever anticipate. As children at the beginning of our lives, we are attached to our parents. And now, living so long in life, we are now facing this attachment to someone in our old days. It is a fear that I have. I will have no choice to be attached one day. Over the next years, I have to think about how I can hire people to be attached to so I won’t burden my family and friends one day.
I will become attached one day. To whom is the question?
4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig
Based upon the first people writing about this question, this quote clearly said a little more to me than others. For that, I then need to ask myself why this meant something interesting enough to use it as one of my precious questions.
Perhaps it comes from recent discussions with family and friends. Lately, I have been interested in the concept of “dream chasing.” It asks humans to relook at what they dream about doing before they die. Once people sit down and actually think about their dreams – items on a list that many have not thought about for years, it becomes interesting to then ask, “So – what stops you from doing it?”
My recent perspective is that it is “attachments” that threatens people from achieving those dreams. As I scrape away the “why I can’t” – I am starting to see that people are fearful of something that will go away if they start to focus on something else. Often, there is that sense of “I am not sure if I am willing to give up the current, because perhaps the future could be even worse.”
For me, and I also believe for others, the other attachment we often find ourselves focusing on are “expectations.” Somewhere along our way in life, we develop these expectations of “what I though I should do” and “what I thought I should be.” But we get in to the middle of life – and forget to continue to make adjustments on those expectations. Those lingering expectations of what we thought we should or would be doing become attachments that we have to shed in order to reinvent ourselves.
One of the games I play with myself sometimes is “what if?” What other things in life could I be doing if circumstance would not be what they are today. I think I could have been a chef. Or an actor. Or a sales leader. I would be a good teacher. Or a psychologist. But I have attachments to these rules, expectations and even fears in my life that prevent me from believing in those ideas. What would it take for me to become unattached to those ideas and fears?
5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you? (See interesting idea on “core beliefs” by Erza Bayda link below)
I love this notion. Perhaps in asking the question, I was trying to preach. I have walked this talk for much of my career. I love reinvention. I love making the most of the world that I am in. But if I sense one of two things – then I make it my obligation to move on.
First, if I ever feel as if I have “learned most of what I can learn” from any situation, person or place – then I feel obligated to move on. Second, if my soul feels as if it is not inspired or challenged – then I also make myself give up – or become unattached – to those things that have kept me where I am.
I love the idea of reinvention.
But it is a very selfish thought. I make the choice to be single. I know it would be much more difficult if you are a part of a family. Perhaps though, each person in the family could have a designated year for reinvention. Kids included. But remember, I believe in the idea that you have to feel as if you have learned most of what you could learn or your soul yearns to be – do – or try something different.
One last thing. Like Jen, one of my fellow writers, I am a list maker. I love lists. However, I have given up on making “to the end of my life” plans. I have learned that there are too many interesting things and situations out there. I throw myself in to the river of life – and trust that it will bring me to the next exciting learning opportunity. And as of yet, I have not found a company or organization that has been able to harness that creativity and restlessness to keep me around for a long time. Too bad. They could have. But most leaders – managers are so bad at sitting down and understanding the dreams and potentials of their team members that they loose out. Big time.
In one of my lives going forward, I am going to help make that better.
ONE LAST NOTE. I am attached to new tastes! As I write this on a Wednesday evening, I am in San Francisco, eating at a wonderful little restaurant called “Bar Crudo.” Ranked in the top 100 restaurants in San Francisco – and one of Wine Spectators Top 20 in San Francisco, it is a charming small place specializing in the fresh tastes of seafood. I am sitting in a corner, eating wonderful raw fishes and lobster salads. Tables of two and four people all around me buzz with conversation. I try to ignore them. I am on a date with you dear reader. I planed to come here this evening and write about attachment. My work done, I will soon leave, and head to a theatre production of a show called “Rock and Roll.” It is described as, “Nominated for four Tony Awards and direct from record-breaking runs on Broadway, Tom Stoppard's newest sensation, Rock 'n' Roll, hits the A.C.T. stage to smashing reviews. Don't miss this rapturous, decades-spanning tale of passion, politics, and rock music” It should be fun! Have a great week dear readers!
Attachment - Brett Battles
1. What are you attached to that may ultimately be providing more pain, suffering or negativity than pleasure and benefit? And why do you continue to stay attached?
Attachments can be to things, ideas, emotions, people, hell pretty much anything. I have attachments to them all to one extent or another.
Things: Books, books everywhere. Some I’ve owned for decades. Most I’ll never open again, but can’t bring myself to get rid of or even donate to a worth cause. I hold on to ticket stubs that remind me of time spent with good friends, to pictures, to notes, to baseball cards from my youth, to a rock my daughter and I found on a hike eight years ago.
Ideas: My political beliefs, my thought that friendships don’t change just because of time and distance, my belief that everyone I meet is an equal, my feeling that there are connection you can have with people that can not be explained in words.
Emotions: A strong sense of empathy that I’ve come to rely on in helping me get to know and talk to others, the ability to be moved by the simplest things – a gesture, an act of kindness, even a touching TV commercial.
People: My girlfriend, my kids, my family, my friends.
Do any of these cause me more pain, suffering or negativity than pleasure or benefit? I don’t think anything can be measures in such black and white terms. There are probably times when any of the above could do that, but not for long. My life is very positively focused. I don’t think I could become attached to anything that did anything of those things for the long term.
2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment?
I’m secure and relaxed. Pretty much where I thought I’d be.
3. Is someone too attached to you?
Too much? No. My children and I have a healthy relationship and enjoy each other. My girlfriend and I have the best romantic relationship I’ve ever experienced: loving, supportive, understanding, and independent.
4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig
God…what’s with all the suffering questions? I have no idea if this is right. I don’t like to suffer, so I don’t. The life I have right now is so close to the one I envisioned when I was 12, it’s hard not to be happy. Suffering just drags me down, and I don’t want that. Ever.
5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you?
HA! A very pertinent question for me. Since I was young, fifth or sixth grade I think, I have wanted to be a novelist. To write story that people could buy in a bookstore and enjoy was my calling. I knew it. In my dream of that future (as I alluded to in the last answer) I always saw myself as being a full time writer. Now, that didn’t happen right away. I spent almost 20 years working in television. My specialization was television graphics, something that worked well for me because I didn’t have to do a lot of writing during the day. I was afraid that if I took a job that focused on writing, I wouldn’t have the energy to write my own stuff. So for years I wrote and improved my craft until finally I sold my first novel. Even then, with a three book contract in my back pocket, I wasn’t able to step away from the security of the day job. That is until this past August when I received a new contract for books 4 & 5. September 19th was my last day in the corporate world. Now I get up and work at my kitchen table living the life I’ve planned for almost forty years.
Attachments can be to things, ideas, emotions, people, hell pretty much anything. I have attachments to them all to one extent or another.
Things: Books, books everywhere. Some I’ve owned for decades. Most I’ll never open again, but can’t bring myself to get rid of or even donate to a worth cause. I hold on to ticket stubs that remind me of time spent with good friends, to pictures, to notes, to baseball cards from my youth, to a rock my daughter and I found on a hike eight years ago.
Ideas: My political beliefs, my thought that friendships don’t change just because of time and distance, my belief that everyone I meet is an equal, my feeling that there are connection you can have with people that can not be explained in words.
Emotions: A strong sense of empathy that I’ve come to rely on in helping me get to know and talk to others, the ability to be moved by the simplest things – a gesture, an act of kindness, even a touching TV commercial.
People: My girlfriend, my kids, my family, my friends.
Do any of these cause me more pain, suffering or negativity than pleasure or benefit? I don’t think anything can be measures in such black and white terms. There are probably times when any of the above could do that, but not for long. My life is very positively focused. I don’t think I could become attached to anything that did anything of those things for the long term.
2. Does your “attachment score” at the following survey indicate anything important about your feelings on attachment?
I’m secure and relaxed. Pretty much where I thought I’d be.
3. Is someone too attached to you?
Too much? No. My children and I have a healthy relationship and enjoy each other. My girlfriend and I have the best romantic relationship I’ve ever experienced: loving, supportive, understanding, and independent.
4. Share your thoughts on the following quote: “"Suffering finds its roots in your desire to be free from something that's either present for you right now or something that you fear may be present for you in the future . . . Your suffering is directly proportional to the intensity of your attachments to these passing phenomena and to the strength of your habit of seeking for some kind of personal identity in the world of forms." - Chuck Hillig
God…what’s with all the suffering questions? I have no idea if this is right. I don’t like to suffer, so I don’t. The life I have right now is so close to the one I envisioned when I was 12, it’s hard not to be happy. Suffering just drags me down, and I don’t want that. Ever.
5. Are you able to get rid of the life you’ve planned, so you can have the life that is waiting for you?
HA! A very pertinent question for me. Since I was young, fifth or sixth grade I think, I have wanted to be a novelist. To write story that people could buy in a bookstore and enjoy was my calling. I knew it. In my dream of that future (as I alluded to in the last answer) I always saw myself as being a full time writer. Now, that didn’t happen right away. I spent almost 20 years working in television. My specialization was television graphics, something that worked well for me because I didn’t have to do a lot of writing during the day. I was afraid that if I took a job that focused on writing, I wouldn’t have the energy to write my own stuff. So for years I wrote and improved my craft until finally I sold my first novel. Even then, with a three book contract in my back pocket, I wasn’t able to step away from the security of the day job. That is until this past August when I received a new contract for books 4 & 5. September 19th was my last day in the corporate world. Now I get up and work at my kitchen table living the life I’ve planned for almost forty years.
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